Best Dating Excuses Ever: Stop me if you've heard this one

Over the years I have run up against (And Given) many different and creative excuses for my poor behavior in my dating interactions. I have consulted with friends and family both married and single and asked them to give me their favorite or most often heard excuses. Just for fun-zies let's explore some of the top excuses yes? And maybe we can even cut through some of the bull behind them. In no particular order:

1.  "You deserve someone way better than me."

Ok, Ok....I have to admit, I have used this one before, and honestly, at the time I meant it...well kind of.  There have been times that I have said to a man, "You deserve someone better than me", but I what I really meant was "Oh please for the love of grapefruit validate me!!! Tell me that you love me!!! Tell me that you think that I do deserve you." However, this is not normally how this excuse is used.

Normally when people say this line they are just trying to make you feel better about yourself...as they rip your heart out and show it to you before you die. But aside from being insanely pandering, this excuse is just ridiculous. Here is why (among many other reasons).

Everyone wants to feel like they married up. Some people spend their whole lives trying to date someone "outside of their league". So when someone says that you deserve better than them, they are essentially placing you outside of their league...which we have just determined is what everyone is pretty much striving for. Now, if they were to say, "I deserve someone way better than you", then I would accept their rejection and thank them for their brutal honesty and their ignorant opinion.

Side note: This is not an Excuse per say, but it is one of my BIGGEST break-up pet-peeves  EVER. I totally get what they guy is attempting to do when he says the following, but it makes me so mad that I just wanna go all Hulk on him...Can you guess what I'm talking about?

"Gee, You are just such an Amazing girl. Whoever gets you is going to be the luckiest guy in the world."

Anger...rising....urge to kill...increasing....Probability of rant....Immanent!!!

What the FLUFF dude??? What the freaking fetcha-ting FLUFF???

It is at this moment that I wish I was British so I could turn to him and say....."Do not presume to condescend me Sir...Your trite and pandering words are of no value here. Good day to you sir. I said GOOD DAY!!"

I don't care if you legitimately mean it....DON'T SAY IT.

2. "Life is just so Crazy right now."

Bull. Bull Bull Bull Bull Bull.

I have never met a single individual who has ever been SO busy or had SO much going on their life that they weren't able to make the time to pursue someone they had Legitimate interest in. I may not be popular for saying this, you might disagree, but the whole "I'm just super busy" line is in my opinion, complete and total Horse Spit.

I dated a guy once who's job was mining gold OFF OF THE OCEAN FLOOR.    I met him 2 weeks before he left to Alaska for the next 5 months. We never even got to go on a physical date before he left. But he was apparently so smitten by our brief ten minute encounter that he made it a point to remain in consistent contact with me from the time he left to the time he came back. This included the time when he borrowed a friends phone so that he could call me to let me know that he has lost his own phone while 4-wheeling in the Alaskan Wilderness. And yet....I have had guys with perfectly functional phones and fully functional Facebooks and fully functional cars tell me that they were legitimately too busy to contact me.

Bull.

Too Busy simply means Too busy for YOU.

We all have busy lives, I get it. We all have a million and one people, obligations, dramas, deadlines, and stuff constantly vying for our attention. Because of this reality, we have all created our own personal Hierarchy of Priorities as it were. This is where you rank your priorities from most important to "I could really care less". For me, the person in my life who I have become romantically involved with, sits at the top of my priority hierarchy (within healthy reason). Whereas making sure I remember the garbage mans birthday would fall somewhere near the bottom. This is not to say that I hate the garbage man (or garbage lady), or that I don't appreciate what they do; it simply means that I only have so many hours in the day and so much energy I can devote to the people in my world. I have never NOT made a guy I was legitimately interested in a High Priority in my life...He knew it, and my actions confirmed it.

So again, even though I know I am going to get people who argue with me on this one, I am just going to go ahead and say that if someone tells you that they are legitimately into you, but then also tells you that they are Too Busy to give your relationship the priority that could be expected by most rational people...There is something afoot. AND!!! if on the off chance that they just so happen to be one of those people who thinks it is normal or acceptable to operate on a constant level of half-assed...I would suggest you decide whether that is a level you are comfortable with and then proceed with caution.    
  
3. "I just got out of something and I'm I'm just not ready to jump back into something just yet."
Beware the word "Just"...it is a softening agent...it is a stall....it is intended to create an illusion of a future that more than likely doesn't exist. 

As many of my readers know, my 3 year relationship ended back in January. To me, even 5 months later  (after 3 years) could easily be considered  "Just". Now granted, for the first couple of weeks after it ended I was pretty much a wreck. I could barely get myself to school everyday much less devote any energy to finding a guy. I pretty much had given up in spectacular fashion, but I still took the time to try and retain my civility and a certain amount of grooming so as not to offend the masses.  And wouldn't cha know it?....Less than 3 months later along comes a cute guy who happens to have been crushing on me all semester and has finally decided the time has come to ask me out. At first, I was hesitant. I wasn't sure if I was ready to start dating again, to open my heart to someone again, to go down that road again, but I said yes anyway. Turns out, I actually ended up liking this guy quite a bit, and quite quickly as well. Here is the thing about broken-hearts and getting over someone....there are no hard set rules, and more often than not, the heart once broken is healed by the appearance of a new love. Ebb and flow....circle of life...blah blah blah.

Everyone mourns in their own way and on their own time. NORMALLY the people who legitimately aren't ready to date DON'T. These people are either A. Not asking people out ..or B. Not excepting dates. C. Accomplishing both of these tasks by sitting in their dark room watching every season of Toddlers in Tiaras on Netflix (Stop judging me) while they gently weep into their huge pilla'. 

For everyone else, it might be true that they are still reeling from a relationship gone awry...but they are merely waiting for someone to come along and make them forget about old what's-their-face. So if someone asks you out, takes you on several dates, and THEN tells you that it's just because they just got out of something that they are unwilling to move forward with you....Feel free to point out to them that this makes just about as much sense as saying you are hungry, eating food, eating food again and again, and then claiming that you had the flu 3 months ago and you are just not sure if you are really ready to start eating again.

New found love heals old wounds and we WANT to be healed. We are just picky about Who we want to heal it. If someone uses this line on you...chances are you are not the one they want to do the healing this time.


Well that was fun yes? Maybe we will do a couple more next time? Good day to you then. I said GOOD DAY!!

You are Not THAT Special

The older generation are looking at my generation of unmarried LDS adults with complete and total confusion. They can't figure out why so many of us are having such a hard time getting married. I remember a specific occasion where a man in his 70's said to me,

 "What the hell is wrong with you guys?? Are you just scared?? Are you all gay?? What is it about marriage that you all seem to find so difficult to accomplish? I promise it isn't as hard or as complicated as you are all making it out to be...You find someone you like, you marry them, and then you just make it work."

I was slightly delighted that this old Mormon guy had used the hell word, but I honestly didn't know what to say to him. The best I could come with was...

"I don't know...I guess I just haven't met the right person yet."

This has been my go to answer for pretty much everyone who asks me this question. It isn't just lip service, it is what I believe. I have been on more dates than I care to admit, I have met many amazing men, and even though I have never been physically proposed to with the ring and the knee bending and the tears and the stuff, I have had several opportunities to get to that point, had I been willing. The problem is...it never felt right...

"Never felt right". Ah yes...the ever elusive "Right" feeling. Though I believe this topic deserves its very own blog post I will say this...I obviously believe that it must feel right, otherwise I would have been married already. What exactly "feels right" means to you is more personal than anything else, and you need to follow your own heart when it comes to matters such as these.

Now...before I launch into the meat of this post I would like to place a small caveat on all this...lest you try to beat me with sticks.

I fervently believe that it is better to remain single than marry the wrong person. I am a product of divorce and a witness to many other troubled marriages. I have seen people settle, and get married for the wrong reasons and they are now miserable. I have also seen people try to "save" these marriages by bringing children into the picture....well played...said nobody ever. I get that we all want to feel that we ended up with our soul mates, we all want to find the other half of our whole and we deserve to feel happy with the choice we have made. 

Settling robs both parties. 

I also want to point out that there are obvious red flags and deal breakers that can be applied to most any dating situation. For example, if he is fond of beating you about the head, you probably should move on to safer pastures. Or if you find that your lady pal spends more time with other men than she does with you, then it might be time to reconsider your options. There are psychos out there, make no mistake. There are some seriously disturbed individuals out there looking for love too. We need not feel sorry for eliminating people based off of LEGITIMATE reasons.

Here is the problem I see...the list of what passes for a Legitimate cause for dismissal these days, I believe, has gotten a little ridiculous.  

So with the understanding that I am speaking as sinner to sinners, I submit the following explanation for why so many of us seem to find it so hard to get married. I hope the old guy is reading this....I hope he is still alive. I am going to get a wee bit cheeky here for dramatic effect. Think of me now as a crotchity old woman saying this to you....

In honer of my geriatric friend I am going to call this the Who the Hell do you think you are anyway??? ... response. 

Ok, I get it. Your mommna has been telling you how special you are since the moment you left the womb. I know I know, your church leaders have been telling you that you are the "chosen ones" and that you are "choice among the spirit children" and that "God expects more of you and your choices than any other generation". Believe me, I understand....I get it...YOU are SPECIAL....

So forgive me when I suggest that you might not be as special as you think you are. Allow me to clarify. 

YOU are NOT so SPECIAL that you have the right to dismiss people as easily as you do. Yeah yeah, I know, you are a kind, compassionate, educated, driven, fit, attractive individual who is only expecting as much from others as you do from yourself...which is to say that you are looking for yourself in the form of the opposite gender. Good luck with that. 

I hear what you are screaming at the screen right now...

"But crotchity old Brittney, are you really saying that you think I should have Zero criteria and no standard when looking for the person I am going to spend the rest of Eternity with? That's so stupid! If that is your logic than we might as well revert back to arranged marriages and while we are at it why don't we take away the vote for women and racial equality? I may have a very specific idea of the kind of person I want to be with, but I would in no way consider them unrealistic, I just know what I want. What is wrong about knowing what you want and going after it and not settling till you find it?"


 First off, arranged marriages have some of the lowest divorce stats of all the other forms of marriage. I concede that a big part of this is because divorce is not as accepted in these societies, but there is something to be said about the way they approach and treat marriage as opposed to way we do. That being said, I do not advocate arranged marriages. I, along with God believe in this idea of Agency...use it or lose it. Also, I know that if I had allowed my mother to arrange my marriage I would have ended up with a "sweet spirited" young lad who would have treated me very well...and who I would have had ZERO sexual attraction to. That's a problem. So no....I'm not saying that you should just release all criteria and propose to the next lucid human you meet.

Second, I am not saying that your expectations are unrealistic per say.....OK, that is EXACTLY what I am saying for SOME of you. To SOME of you I am saying your expectations are so freaking ridiculous as to be considered science fiction, belonging to the same category as mythological creatures such as the Dobhar-Chu  and the unicorn..

To these people I would recommend that you take a gooooooood looooooong hard look at yourself, remove your head from your anal cavity, and then maybe just MAAAYYBBE consider lowering your ridiculously unrealistic standards. Unless of course you never want to get married, in which case, continue on as you were.

Just so we are clear

1. It is important...nay...Critical that you are sexually attracted to the person you marry. You will find some who disagree, but I am not too worried about them.

2. It is important that you share the same CORE values. As the saying goes...a Bird and a Fish may fall in love, but where will they live? If he believes in church on Sundays and abstinence before marriage and she believes in a Godless universe and finds everything about organized religion (including the notion of abstinence before marriage) abhorrent....then while you still might love each other, building a life together might prove a little more trouble than it's worth. CAN it work? Of course..Lots of things CAN work...but it doesn't therefore follow that it is a good idea.

3. It is important that you legitimately Enjoy the time you spend with that person. The sex might be great, but what are you going to do the other 23 hours and 58 minutes of the day? 

These things I believe you should never compromise on, and to a more vague extent I would add this one...with the WARNING that here is where we begin to veer dangerously close to the problem at hand.

4. It is important that the person you are with makes you feel loved, wanted and appreciated. If she is constantly telling you that you are worthless because you don't bring home enough money, and he tells you that you are disgusting because you put on a few pounds, then dump their ass and don't think twice about it. We are hard enough on ourselves, the LAST thing we need is a jerk who purposely or ignorantly hurts us.

Ah....but herein lies the rub.....Here is where we cross the threshold into what may separate the married from the eternal singles....

We are all human. I know, shocker right? Hey guess what? I'm human too!!! *GASP* I Knooooowwww!!
Guess what else?? Even though I honestly and absolutely believe that I do not have even the smallest inclination anywhere in my make-up that causes me to want to hurt ANYONE EVER......I Still Do. I still do because I am a flawed human girl subject to my own set of ingrained biases and my monthly moon cycles. I am a good person, but I don't always do good things. Catch me on a bad day, a weak moment, a period of insecurity and there is a possibility that I am going to act in a way that is not so loving. I don't enjoy hurting people. I take no pleasure in other peoples pain. And when it comes to the people I love and care about the most, it is absolutely devestating to me when I realize that I have hurt them. You may not believe me, but I would rather cut myself than someone else. I was bullied as a child, and in my mind, a bully is the worst kind of human. I know evil exists, I am not ignorant, but I still find it almost inconceivable that there are people, organizations, nations, and so on out there that would willing hurt other people. I don't WANT to believe this is true...but I know it is.

My point to all of this is that I believe that for the most part (though maybe I am wrong) most people fall into the same category as I do. We don't want to hurt people...but we do end up hurting them from time to time, mostly in moments of ignorance.  Put someone in the wrong situation, or in a weak moment, or a place of fear and insecurity and they might just say or do something that hurts you, turns you off, causes you to take a step back, makes you believe that they don't actually care about you, makes you think their professions of love were all a lie, and ultimately cause you to toss out the proverbial baby with the proverbial bath water.

With all due respect and all the love in my heart I say unto you..

THIS IS WHY YOU ARE STILL SINGLE!!!!

If somebody hurts you it is YOUR responsibility to inform them that they have done so in a loving and non-attacking fashion. Yup! That's right kids! It all comes back to Communication. I don't know what went so wrong with our instant-gratification society, but we are seriously needing a little more humility and compassion and a little less standard. 

So here is a scenario.

You meet a guy/girl and you are instantly physically attracted to them (Numba 1: Check!). Next you realize to your delight that your core values are inline with one another (Numba 2: Check!). After getting to know one another you realize that you share a lot of common interests and that you legitimately enjoy their company (Numba 3: Check!). And then after time you see that this person has shown that they have a desire and the capacity to love you the way you need to be loved (Numba 4: Check!)

Side note: Though not really a side note because this goes along with the same issue I am talking about. Sometimes people absolutely have the DESIRE to love you, but they may not know HOW you SPECIFICALLY need to be loved. 

DO NOT MAKE THEM TRY AND GUESS

Do not assume that because you think you are being oh-so-obvious in your mind, that this person should "just know" exactly how you need to be loved. To go along with this, if later on in the above mentioned scenario this newly found object of your affection has hurt you in some way, I say again, IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to let them know what they have done. 

MORE THAN LIKELY.....they didn't do it on purpose.

MORE THAN LIKELY....they will feel remorseful when they realize what they have done.        

MORE THAN LIKELY....they will do anything in their power to explain their actions and try to make it right with you.

And finally.

MORE THAN LIKELY...if you make the choice to remain silent and dig their grave without their knowing that they were even sick to begin with......you are all but insuring that you will never find the kind of relationship that you claim you want, and you will be alone for a long time.


We must have the courage to ask for the love we want and need.

We must have the courage to tell someone when they have hurt us.

We must have the courage to not become defensive when someone has the courage to tell us that we have hurt them.

And above all things                        

We must be careful not to throw away perfectly good and fulfilling relationships based off of assumptions that you have not taken the effort to explore the validity thereof.

One final thought.

I recognize that we have all been hurt. I recognize that this has caused many of us to be a little sensitive...a little raw. We all want to be loved, we all want the person we give our hearts to to treat that heart with kindness and care. We all want this, but I say again, we are all human. People, even people who legitimately love you are going to hurt you from time to time. But if you give them the chance, they will apologize, learn from their mistakes, and then love you all the more for not casting them aside for their moment or moments of weakness. And guess what? They will do the same for you as well. Pretty awesome right? That's what I want. That is the kind of person I am trying to be. Communication might seem foriegn and awkward, you may still wish that the person you love could just read your mind, but until that day comes, communication remains the most critical component of any healthy relationship.

Communication. Compassion. Humility. Forgiveness