Sunday, December 30, 2012

Missing Out...Again

So last we "spoke" ...I presented the concept of The Missing Out Mentality and how if we look closely at our lives, we can observe this thought process acting itself out in many different ways.

Last post I related it to food. I, like many others I am discovering, tend to overdue or even flat out binge for the sake of a "special" occasion. Even though if we were to think about it intellectually we would easily realize that THIS time won't be the LAST time we EVER get to do, see, eat, or experience X,Y, or Z...for some reason...we totally still act like this is EXACTLY what we believe. Got get it while the gettin's good....because if we don't...we are ALWAYS going to regret it.

Now that we have seen how this could be true with food, I would like to take it in a different direction and talk about how this same mentality can and often does bleed into other aspects of our lives.  And since we all know my favorite subject to talk about is relationships....that is exactly where I intend to steer this ship.

As I have eluded to in the past...and by eluded I mean of course flat out admitted...I have been a serial dater.  Some might even call me a man-eater or a whatever the female equivalent of a player would be.  Now...this might be a case of the pig not being able to smell it's own stank...but I have never thought of myself in this light, even though I can easily see how others would.

Here is where the Missing Out Mentality rears it's ugly head once more.

I know this might sound like total bull...but I truly believe that part of the reason I have been on SO many dates with SO many different guys, from SO many different walks of life (within reason), is due to this belief that I must exhaust EVERY potential mate option in order to be SURE that I'm not Missing Out of the "Best" possibility.

I have basically operated in this school of thought since the age of 18. Keep in mind, I didn't date in high school. The reason for that is that nobody wanted to date me in high school. Maybe I just hadn't blossomed or come into my own yet...in high school I figured it was because I was funny looking and not a size 2. But as soon as I hit 19/20ish something changed. All of a sudden guys wanted to date me. And not just ANY guys...good lookin' guys. The kind of guys that wouldn't have given me a second look in high school.

To put it another way....it was like I had been wandering in a desert for the better part of my life and suddenly there was a veritable deluge of water....in the form of men.

This proved to be both wonderful and horrible.

I was SO starved for attention and validation that I allowed some of these guys to take advantage of a situation or two. If not for my iron clad resolution to remain a virgin until marriage...I might be in a totally different place in my life. But thank heavens the only thing stolen were a few kisses here and there...BUT STILL...stolen nevertheless...and all because I didn't have the self-respect to tell the guy to take a flying leap.

Like I said...this is where I have been for the better part of life...but then something happened....

I don't know if I can pin it down to a certain moment or event, and I don't feel like I necessarily need to in order to make the change valid. Maybe it has been a long time coming and I finally crested the hill that I have been climbing for YEARS. 

I don't really even know how to qualify or articulate this other than to say that I feel as though I have simply...let it go. I have stopped fighting life, myself, men, God, and so forth. Not in the sort of defeatist way that it might be coming across, but rather in a making peace sort of way.

The analogy that is coming to mind is the image of someone trying to walk up stream against a strong current.  Occasionally this person slips or trips or is knocked on their butt by the natural direction of where the water is heading....namely....down stream. This person may at moments become very frustrated and curse the stream or their own inabilities or maybe even God for their situation.  They may whine about how unfair it is that the current is SO strong and if only they had been given better shoes or better training THEN they would have been able to forge the river properly.

I can see a person spending their entire life trying to fight this current....and in truth, this is exactly where my life was heading. I was a current fighter through and through.  Not only did I fight it, but I tried to practically redirect the whole damn thing using nothing but my own arms and sheer will-power.  Trying to visualize someone actually attempting to do this is comical at best and utterly pathetic at worst....by hey.....we are all here to learn right?

So when I talk about a "change", what I mean to say is that it feels like for the first time in my life I have ceased trying to fight the current. I am no longer trying to forge upstream. I'm not thrashing around and screaming and crying and pouting because the river is merely doing what rivers do. Instead of fighting...I have surrendered to the natural force of the flowing water. In my mind, it is as if I have laid on my back and simply allowed the river to take me wherever the river sees fit.

Sure, it may not always take me where I expected to go...but at the same time... a lot of disappointment in life comes from not getting where we thought we "Ought" to be.

(Uh oh....someone is shoulding all over the place again....get the mop!)
(Oh great....I've should myself again...how embarrassing) 


 But the thing...if you place no expectation on the destination, then how can you possibly be upset when you arrive? As I have stated in many posts before, I firmly believe that THIS concept is one of the hardest....and also one of the critical principles we need to learn here in order to find any kind of lasting peace.

The concept I am referring to is simply this....Almost 100% of our suffering ultimately boils down to unmet or unrealized expectations (shoulds). More simply put, we mostly get upset or frustrated or angry or hurt or what have you is when someone...some thing....some situation....and so forth does not fall into line with whatever picture or idea or plan of this thing, person, or situation we had in our head.

Examples:

I'm upset because I'm 30 and not married.

Where is it written that a person must be married by 30? Nowhere....this expectation lives only in your mind and maybe also in the collective mind of the society in which you live. But there is no eternal truth in this assumption.

I'm pissed because they chose so-n-so over me.

Rejection sucks, but why should that reflect on you or your happiness? And really...why would you WANT to be with someone who doesn't recognize how amazing you are? Would you get mad at someone for choosing vanilla ice cream over chocolate? No of course not...and why? Because as a logically and rationally thinking human you recognize that a choice of preference is simply that...preference. So maybe you could try and apply that to people as well. Nobody is better or worse...we are simply different flavors.

I hope that all of this has made sense. I know we kind of jumped around a little, but I really want you to understand that ultimately...our happiness and satisfaction with life IS within our power to control. But in order to gain this control we must be willing to let go.

I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but I know it works because I have seen it work in my own life. And believe you me...if a total control freak who has spent the better part of her life bitter and resentful and full of fear can make a change, then I have no doubt it is possible.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The Missing Out Mentality

Merry Day-After-Christmas everyone!!! I hope Santa brought you all the spoils your little hearts desired. I also hope that you were able to indulge in many decadent and delectable goodies...tis the season for throwing caloric caution to the wind!! Double-Chins be damned! Someone pass the Eggnog!!

In years past, it has been my fashion to try and abstain from giving in to the sweeter side of the celebrations in hopes of not having to do so much damage control after the new year. Normally, I would tell myself that I wasn't allowed to dive head first into a vat of caramel corn or home-made fudge until Christmas Eve/Christmas day....and you know what would always end up happening? I would inevitably end up going on a sugar bend so intense that I literally thought I was going to die from the shock to my system.

Not healthy.

This year, I started earlier. I placed no restrictions on myself and I basically ate whatever and whenever the urge struck me.  And while I probably consumed the same amount of garbage if you add it all up over the past few weeks...and even though I have probably gained just as much weight (or even more) as I have in years past, I learned a valuable lesson...one that I would like to share with you now.

I though of several clever names for this phenomenon including: The Buffet Binge, The Scarcity Syndrome, and the Missing Out Mentality.

These all basically boil down to the same concepts, but today I want to specifically look at the Missing Out Mentality.

There is a BRILLIANT book out there called Women, Food, and God written by Geneen Roth. It was in this book that I was first introduced to the concept that the way you treat or approach your own life can often be eerily similar to way you treat/approach food and eating. Highly recommended read.

It is with Roth's theory in mind, that we approach the Missing Out Mentality. I will use my life as the example....Hurray!

I can't tell you the last time I went out and physically purchased chocolate, ice cream, cookies, donuts, pie, or any other high density sugary treat. I never select candy bars from vending machines, and I NEVER drink my calories. However....whenever it comes to holidays and parties and get-togethers where these treats are readily available, something comes over me that I feel almost entirely powerless to stop. I turn into this wild beast who seems to have but one purpose in life....Eat ALL the junk.....leave no cookie unturned and leave no candy behind.

Now, if this were nothing more than a sugar addiction, then we would expect to see myself giving in to these cravings on a more frequent basis...but we don't. Alcoholics don't drink only when at bars, they drink whenever they can. So we must needs assume that whatever is gong on here has less to do with an unruly appetite and instead more to do with a restless psyche.

Enter the Missing Out Mentality ....

Nobody likes to miss out on a great opportunity. Whether this be in work, or a romantic relationship, and yes...even food. To be true, there is absolutely nothing wrong with seizing the moment and taking advantage of the opportunities as they present themselves.  The trouble sets in when you let yourself believe that THIS time is the ONLY time you will EVER have THIS opportunity and so you had better not MISS OUT!!!.....or you will live a life full of regret and wishing you could have it all to do over again.

Using the example of Food then, we can apply both the Missing Out Mentality and Roth's theory and explain why it is that I seem unable to control myself during "special occasions". And some point in my life I developed a fear of Missing Out that began to translate and bleed into almost every aspect of my life. It's actually quite amusing/frightening when you hold up this model to the different facets of my personality and my subsequent choices. One might even say that this is the Mantra by which I live. Like there is a little guru inside my head constantly chanting...."You had better get while the getting is good" over and over and over again. If I were to ask said Guru to expound on that thought he might say something like...

"You need to get as much of this as you can while it is available to you. If you don't then you may never get to have (insert person, experience, thing, food here) ever again. What if (person, experience, thing, food) is the one (person, experience, thing, food) that is finally going to make you happy?? Or finally fulfill you or make your life worth living?? Do you really want to Miss Out on the (person, experience, thing, food) that is FINALLY going to give you purpose in life??? If you miss out on this...you are going to REGRET it until the day you die. You are going to be an old lonely woman sitting in your rocking chair just rockin' back and forth...baaaaaccck and forth...totally consumed with the knowledge that you COULD have been happy, but due to your inability to Carpe Diem, YOU wasted the opportunity when it was right there in front of you. You Missed Out on (Person....Experience....Thing....Food) and you will NEVER get that opportunity again."

That little guru is kind of a douche. And he has frightened me into doing things I ought not to have done for many many years.

I would like to expound more upon this topic because I feel like there is still much left to explore.  But since I know the attention span of the average blogger maxes out on average about 600 words ago, I will let it be for now and leave you will this thought to tease your mind-buds (like taste buds....only in your mind) for next time.

If one finds themselves in this way of thinking, how else could it affect their life? Can you think of examples in your own life or the life of someone you know where this theory plays out on a daily basis? And finally....could this concept help to explain why some people never get married AND why others jump into marriages and relationships when deep down they knew it was a bad idea?

Discuss.
     

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Ashamed

Tonight as I write, I am sick to my stomach. I am laden with guilt and feelings of regret. My hope is that by writing this post, I will be able to publicly apologize for my hurtful actions.

A few days ago, during a bout of self-loathing and feeling sorry for myself I happen to stumble upon a picture of my Ex with his new girlfriend.  Even though we are both moving on with our lives, I have not as of yet begun to date anyone more than just casually. As we all know, Christmas is a hard time of the year to be alone and seeing that picture, on that particular night, while I was particularly down on myself proved to be a lethal combination. In a moment of poor judgment I posted the following comment:


"The moment you realize that you are more attractive than the person your ex ended up with is bitter sweet. One one hand you are like...SWEET! I'm more attractive!! Take THAT! Told you wouldn't do better than me!! On the other hand you are BITTER because you lost out to someone less attractive....so what does that say about you?.....DOH!"

The moment I published the comment I knew I had made a mistake.

Even though my intention of the post was to point out how ridiculous I was acting, the words that I used were hurtful....and not truthful, if I am now being honest.

The truth is that this sweet girl did nothing to deserve such a cruel comment. She has done nothing to me to have earned such an ignorant slight.  The fact that I would take even an indirect stab at someone who I don't even know based solely off of one picture is pretty much one of the most hurtful things a person could do.

If this girl is anything like me, then she is probably riddled with insecurities about her own body and physical appearance. If she is anything like me then she probably tries to come across as not caring what other people think, but inside it probably still stings like hell when people judge her based off of the way she looks. Being a girl this society is SO hard. The world is so demanding on us for physical perfection, and we in turn demand so much of that from ourselves. Because of this some girls will go to great lengths to obtain this illusion of perfection. Some will starve or work their bodies till they are ready to drop...and tragically...many girls will lose their lives in this war on themselves.

For this reason, it is absolutely INEXCUSABLE that any person, but particularly I as a fellow woman...and a fellow daughter of God would EVER make a comment about another girl that places any sort of value on her.

I claim to be an advocate for women...but give me a weak moment and I become what I hate the most...a superficial vapid jerk who tries to appease my own insecure ego by making a comment about another girls appearance....and for this I am Truly Ashamed.

Every daughter of God is beautiful in her own way. Some are more superficially beautiful and some have beauty that is not so "worldly"....but one is not better or more worthy of love than the other.  Beauty is NOT about breast size, or jeans size, or a number on a scale. Real beauty does NOT lie the face, but instead in the heart. And with that comment, I showed how truly ugly I can be.

For the record. This girl IS beautiful on the outside.

And from what I have been told, she is a total sweetheart on the inside as well. But even if she weren't, she STILL would not have deserved that thoughtless comment made in a moment of poor judgment and insecurity.

To my sister who I have deeply trespassed...I am so deeply sorry. You don't know me...and I don't know you...but we both know what it is like to be women in this harsh world, and I failed to do what little I can to defend a fellow sister. For one regrettable moment, I became a tool for destruction and hurt, instead of being what I should have been....a defender and a champion for all women...even those who are dating men I once dated. There is no excuse for my actions. I do not expect you to forgive me, but I want you to know how truly sorry I am regardless.  You are a beautiful girl and you in no way deserved the petty and caddy remarks from a girl who has never met you, posted in a public forum. This is also a public forum...but it is one where people will read how disgusted with myself I am and show them not how "clever" I can be...but how human I can be at times....totally and utterly imperfect. If I ever get the chance to meet you..I will say all of these things in person. But if that day never arrives...I pray that you and all others I have offended in moments of thoughtlessness can see it in your hearts to accept how truly sorry I am. 

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Your're Such a Tease

I'm starting to realize just how much I DISLIKE teasing.

Call me a Scrooge....call me an old Fuddy-Duddy...but I struggle to see any redeeming quality in teasing. Let me explain why...

First off, we have all heard that behind every sarcastic remark is always a little bit of truth. I believe this extends even into casual and "harmless" teasing.

Chalk up my attitude to being bullied since I was very young...but I just find nothing intelligent, clever, or endearing about poking fun at someone. Mind you, I work in the field of Comedy....and I study communication as a professional career path. In a way...this makes me a language snob. I'm not saying I'm proud of it...or that I'm better than anyone else...it mostly just means that a lot of the communication bull-shiz that we as a society let slide most of time can't wiggle it's way past me very often. I'm starting to sound like an arrogant jerk...so let me try and explain better why I despise teasing.

I was discussing this post with a dear friend of mine named Holly, and when I expressed to her my distaste for teasing she replied to me, "Agreed, teasing's for plebeians. I realized something this morning as well, whilst reading your status: there are two recognized groups of people in this world who 100% have a disregard for how they make others feel, with high priority to their own feelings: Sociopaths, and 2 year olds."

Holly has hit the nail right on the head in my opinion. One of the reasons I hate teasing so much is because it is always at someone else's expense. In order to tease, you must have someone or something to direct your teasing at. This means that this someone or something must become the butt of whatever joke you are trying to make. No matter how you try to justify and play it off as well-meaning ribbing, in order to tease someone, you have to cut them down in some way and to some extent.

Now, if you teasers out there wish to point out that I am just overly sensitive and that I need to not be so uptight, then you might very well be right, but I still stand behind my belief that teasing is about as endearing as a slap across the face.

Maybe it's just me...but I thought we were suppose to build the ones we love up.........Just me?

It's interesting....as I have been paying closer attention to this topic and talking to people about it, I am realizing that in general...men seem to be more apt to tease than women. I don't know why it is...maybe because you men have been raised to be dominate in all aspects of your life. I have heard several guys say that they actually admire women and men who can go toe-to-toe with them in a bout of teasing. Maybe this is how you men learned to bond. I certainly see you doing it enough with your buddies. And you certainly seem to enjoy activities that come at others expense and misfortune:

1. Heckling Refs and members of the team you aren't rooting for
2. Hazing
3. Toilet-Papering and other acts of destruction
4. Jack-Ass (and other movies like it)
5. Roshambo

Think about it...how often do you see women engaging in these types of activities? If they are, it is usually because they are trying to impress or appease a guy they like.

IF this is so, then it might be helpful for you men to know that MOST of the women I spoke to Don't Like Being Teased.

It's true...we gotta go alllllllllll the way back to the playground where you thought it would be a good idea to push Suzie down in the sandbox in order to show her how much you "like" her. Men....please...we are no longer in the sandbox...and pushing girls down has never translated into "liking" in our book. It translates into giant douche' bag. You might be impressing your buddies with your uncanny ability to mock every aspect of their being...but girls are soft sensitive creatures who are going to be hurt if you "jokingly" ask her if she thinks it's a good idea to be having a second helping of potatoes. "Ha Ha honey....just TEASIN' ya."

Not much has changed since then. Most of us still don't like being pushed down in the sandbox either literally or metaphorically (i.e.) Teasing.

One more thing.

There are different kinds of teasing. And because I can't lay them all out in great detail, it is possible that what I am talking about in this post is not what you engage in. Telling punny jokes is not teasing...it may not be funny at all...but not because it is condescending in any way. But there is also a sub-genre of teasing I like to refer to as "testing the water". Men are experts at this I have learned...but since I don't date women...maybe they are as well.

Testing the water involves making statements designed to elicit an immediate and usually truth revealing reaction from the person you made the statement to. Let me give you a real life example of something that happened to me recently.

I went to a party and met a guy who ended up asking for my phone number. I got the sense that he was looking for more of a "good time" then I have ever had, but in the interest of not rushing to conclusions I decided to give him a chance. That night he beings to text me up after the party. At this point it is 2am and since I don't usually keep vampire hours I went to sleep. The next morning I replied to his text and we began to chat a bit (still over text). After a few texts back and forth I could tell that his statements were all trying to lead me towards an end goal. Remember...I study this crap for a living. As an improv actor I have to make it my business to be able to read subtext. If I can't, then I miss opportunities for my teammates to set me up onstage for a comedic touchdown.

So as he is texting seemingly benign statements I realize that what he is trying to do is get me to admit if I am the kind of girl who would be down for some meaningless action while he is in town. Of course he can't come right out and say it, but instead he uses words and phrases like...."That body of yours must get you a lot of attention hu?", and "You seem like you would be Fun."

Side Note: Whenever a guy uses the statement, "You seem Fun" or "I bet you are a lot of Fun" or "Do you like to have Fun?"....It has usually meant..."You seem like the kind of girl who puts out" or "I'm hoping you are the kind of girl who puts out" or "Do you like to put out for guys you hardly know? Cuz I would be OK with that".

Now...in the past I might have just ignored any further text, but I have found that in my old age, it serves me better to be honest with people. So at some point in the conversation I reply to him simply..."Look, I will tell you this about me...I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't mess around with men. I do enjoy good food, good conversation, and genuinely good decent people. Now, if that is your idea of fun as well...then we are golden."

The reply I got....

"Ha ha...I was just teasing ya."

No. No you weren't. You weren't teasing me, you were trying to covertly figure out if I was going to put out. And once I made it clear that I wasn't, you had to change strategies (lest I think you a pervert) and play off your Spanish Inquisition as mere jest. I'm not saying this makes him a bad  guy, I'm just saying that it irks me that he thought his Jedi Mind Tricks were going to work on me. He would have been much better served to say something like, "Hey, I just met you, and this is cra cra, but here's my number...wanna sleep with me maybe?"

Teasing (in this case) is a way of being able to immediately retract or write off what you have just said in the name of good-natured humor.

Disclaimer: I have teased. I am not perfect. I have done it. I am sure I will do it again. But whenever I catch myself doing it or whenever someone does it to me, it only solidifies how much I detest it. Because ultimately what it all boils down to are a couple of things:

1. It is an example of our inability to properly and respectfully communicate. Language is hard.

2. It shows a lack of regard for other peoples feelings. Feelings are tricky and sensitive...and easily wounded.

3. It shows a lack of creativity when it comes to humor. If the only way you can make yourself or anyone else laugh is at another persons expense...you aren't funny...you are the comedic equivalent of a parasite.

One last thing. I see no issue at a person poking fun at themselves. I do it all the time. I joke that I look like a cartoon or a praying mantis, or that I will die a virgin. I can joke about these things because they are things about myself that actually don't bother me. But this doesn't mean I want someone I care about to point this fact out to me, even if it is in good humor.

I want to be loved...not teased...I want to be approached with honesty....not passive water testing tactics.

Communication is key people.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

25 Why I Would Be Totally Cool with the World Ending Tomorrow

Well folks...it's been fun. We've had a good long run...shared some laughs...blew some crap up...ate some bacon...

But now, the time has come for us to collectively kiss this world and life as we know it goodbye.  For as our Mayan ancestors have foretold...this is to be our last night before the world comes to an end.

Now...you might be asking yourself...why does she seem so very...OK with this knowledge? You might even be oh-so-impressed by my positive and optimistic outlook, given the gravity of our impending doom. But before you start in to giving me too much credit I would like to share with you 25 Reasons I Would Be Totally Cool with the World Ending Tomorrow...

In no particular order....except for maybe the last 3....

25. I don't have to worry about where I'm going to get my next Twinkie fix.

24. No more bad hair days

23. I won't have to force myself to wear "normal people" clothes when I really just want to wear pajamas all day ere day

22. No more guilt for not going to the gym

21. I will never have to teach Primary 

20. I can abandon the unrealistic dream of becoming the first female Prophet

19. I don't have to come up with plausible excuses as to why I'm not married yet

18. I will never experience the pain of a natural child-birth...or any child-birth for that matter

17. I will never have to dump one more red cent into my black-hole of a vehicle 

16. I no longer have to try and figure out what I am going to be when I "grow up"

15. No more nights spent alone in my room rocking back and forth in the fetal position while I weep softly so as not to disturb my roommates

14. There won't be anything left to "fix" (this includes myself and/or men)

13. I don't have to come up with anymore witty blog posts (Leave em wanting more baby!!)

12. I will never have to endure the experience of seeing those I love go before I do ever again (unless the meteorite, flash-flood, earthquake, swarm of locus, gets to them first)

11. I  will never have to have the "It's not you it's me" conversation again

10. I will never have to endure the "It's not you it's me" conversation again

9. I will die young and leave behind youthful vibrant ashes

8. No need to worry about not having health can anymore

7. Fiscal cliff smiscal cliff

6. I feel my dating odds will be better on the other side (Do you think David will be single? I've kind of got a weakness for musicians)

5.  No more Cellphone bill...or any bill for that matter

4. No more courtesy laughter 

3.No more PERIODS!!!!  *This includes but is not limited to the following accompanying symptoms: Aches, Pains, Nausea, Bloating, Fatigue, Water Retention, PMS, Sleep disturbance, Mood-swings, Face explosions (zits), Cramps, Uber PMS, Increase in appetite, Uncontrolled weeping (typically in the fetal position with gentle rocking), EPIC PMS, and Chills

2. I will never have to endure another freezing cold winter ever again

AND.............

1. I will NEVER have to repay my student loans...TAKE THAT FAFSA!!!!  


Bring it on...

Monday, December 17, 2012

I Hate Pants

Retrieved from: http://5feetonagoodday.wordpress.com/2012/01/18/the-anti-pants-movement/



Recently there has been a lot of hullabaloo about whether women should be allowed to wear pants to church.  Now...understand...nobody said they weren't allowed to wear pants...it was just something that wasn't socially done.

Granted...this fight has less to do with pants and more to do with equality, but it made me think about a post I have been wanting to write for a while.

Before I begin, let me first say that if a woman wants to wear pants to church then more power to her. I however will not be joining this particular movement.  Not because I am against equality among the genders, but because I am against pants. Put more simply....

I. Hate. Pants.

Oh how I long for the days of the house dress. I was built for the house dress. I see the house dress as sort of the modern day princess in her corseted gown. This might sound shocking coming from a gal some have called a Mormon Feminist...but I absolutely LOVE dresses on women. My feelings on the matter have nothing to do with politics or agenda pushing....other than the agenda of looking fabulous that is.

Retrieved from: http://www.etsy.com/listing/102599559/vintage-mad-men-194050s-shirt-dress-size



With that in mind I will like to give just a couple of reason why I detest pants.

1. They are RARELY Flattering to Most Women's Bodies 

I know...you don't want to admit it....but come on...it's kinda true.  Unless you have legs for days and fat only where you sit...a pair of tight pants start to look more like sausage casings that weren't stuffed properly. I mean...come on now...when even thin girls start to experience the phenomenon known as "the muffin top", that is a pretty good indication that we might not be picking the best attire for our curves.

This is why skirts and dresses are so wonderful. In general, they accentuate our most feminine features (i.e.) smaller waists and larger busts...and they graciously hide our less admirable attributes... which for me lie somewhere between my waist and my knees. Win Win!!

Here is the thing...the reason guys look good in pants (in general) is because (in general) men aren't wearing SKIN TIGHT pants. Those men who think the skinny jeans look is working for them need to take their chicken-legged freak show back to hipster town.  Women don't want to know that you have thinner legs than we do. I of course can't speak for all women, and I certainly don't speak for teen-aged little girls...but when I see a guy in skinny jeans who's thigh circumference could fit comfortably between my two tiny hands with room to spare....it doesn't USUALLY make me think....This man will be a strong hunter and virile lover and provide well for me and our young. What I USUALLY think is something more like...I could snap those purdy legs of yours like day old chopsticks.

Not attractive.

As an added note...whenever I see a women with jeans that are bedazzled up to wazoo.....

Retrieved from: http://www.google.com/imgres?hl=en&client=firefox-a&hs=fQj&tbo=d&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&biw=1351&bih=603&tbm=isch&tbnid=JPcdnRjroa2BLM:&imgrefurl=http://www.crazymarybytes.com/2012_09_01_archive.html&docid=CWnIVv1CXyJiXM&imgurl=http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SzyVOHrnJDQ/UE6vkeWj2rI/AAAAAAAAAKI/xks6s-edMRU/s1600/bedazzled.jpg&w=1080&h=1024&ei=qcLQULL4BcqDyAGA_YDgDg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=194&vpy=115&dur=1018&hovh=219&hovw=231&tx=63&ty=101&sig=100304517540539295791&page=1&tbnh=141&tbnw=157&start=0&ndsp=24&ved=1t:429,r:2,s:0,i:94

  I can't help but see this in my mind... 



Retrieved From:  http://rorydies.tumblr.com/

If that isn't a come hither look....I don't know what is....

"Look! She's Presenting!".....(Sorry, Personal Joke...Had to be done)

Moving forward.

Typically, men wear pants with some room to breath....as it were.  We as women however, wear pants so tight that depending on the time of the month of the caloric intake of the weekend...find them impossible at times to get into. What woman among us hasn't been guilty of the subtle "Emergency Covert Button Release"? This is the act of undoing your pant's button without your date realizing it because your waist band has begun to act as a sort of tourniquet thereby cutting of blood flow to your vital organs. Tolerable while standing...but once you sit down....

Which brings me to my next point...

2. I Don't Like Having to Worry if My Butt Crack is Hanging out EVERY Time I Sit Down

Again....this is not an issue with guy pants....unless you are a plumber...

Can you imagine if hip-hugging low riders came into fashion for guys? Perish the thought.

I think we can all agree that Crack kills, and nobody wants to see it. I could be way off base here...but I'm gonna just say that even hot-chick-ass-crack isn't enough to be considered "sexy". Butt cracks aren't sexy, and I HATE the fact that every time I dawn a pair of "fashionable" jeans, I am having to purchase shirts that go down to my knees in order to compensate for the full moon rising that will inevitably occur once I sit down.

Sexiness aside....the draft alone is enough to make me burn every pair I own.

3. OK....I will say it...Pants are SO.....UN-Romantic!

So here is where I blow my whole feminist persona out of the water.

I hate pants because yes....and I'm sorry....I'm going "there" again....pants have been socially constructed to be "male" apparel.  I don't want to talk about other societies where men wear skirts and magical dragons eat rainbows and fart butterflies....I am talking about OUR society and OUR culture.

As much as we don't want to have to admit it, specific clothing has been endowed (by people) with certain meanings. If you walk down State Street at 2am wearing a dress so short that one false move will cause all hell to break loose....then chances are most people aren't going to assume you are on your way to a PTA meeting, or a nunnery, or anywhere other than a seedy motel room.

There is a reason we "dress up" for job interviews and "dress down" for sick days.  There are reasons I don't wear my Onesie on dates (but don't think I have thought about it), or a bikini to a funeral.  Even though clothing is nothing more than lifeless/thoughtless bits of matter strung together to form decorative skin coverings, we as people have given them meaning. So even though inherently there is nothing "good' or "bad"..."right" or "wrong" about pants...I still maintain that the meaning we have assigned to pants is better suited for our male counterparts.

When a women wants to get all sexy and such for a night on the town, it is not likely that she is going to opt for the fashionable suit-pants with matching blazer and tie, she is going to put on the shortest tightest dress in her arsenal. She is going to slap on a pair of heels that makes her gams look like a million bucks. Why? Because deep down we know that a dress is a signal of femininity and sexuality (in some cases) and of purity, and innocence in others (Don't know many brides that chose a sensible pair of slacks to trot down the isle in).

Ladies...we have made so many strides in the field of equality.  We can vote, own land, and purchase ridiculous amounts of fudge online. We have risen to positions of authority in government and have become CEO's of major corporations. I'm not saying that we shouldn't also have the right to dress like a man...but what I am saying is maybe this is one way we can keep a symbol of femininity flaying like a flag as we proudly march into battle...our sun dresses flapping valiantly in the breeze.

Viva La Dress!!!!







Saturday, December 15, 2012

From one Room to Another

Christmas time is meant to be the time of year when we gather around us the people we love the most and celebrate the blessing of having these individuals in our lives.  And as anyone who has ever spent an extended period of time away from the ones they love knows...the homecoming after such an absence is one of the sweetest feelings in the world.  It's like being wrapped in a soft warm blanket, it's like you have been holding your breath and suddenly somebody lets the air back into the room....

There is nothing quite like the feeling of being Home...no matter what home means to you personally.

That being said, the month of December has always proved to be a hard one for me.  It seems like a year cannot pass without some tragedy taking place...and this year is no exception.

When I heard about the school shooting this morning I cried as I thought about the families who would be burring their young children when they should have been telling them to go back to sleep at 4am on Christmas morning.  At times like these, I find that we often ask things like, "How could God allow this to happen?"

I have to admit, I have asked this question a time or two in my life.  It is easy to look around at all of the horrors and senseless tragedies that take the lives of innocent people and wonder where is God in all of this? Has He abandoned us? Does He even care? Is there even a God?  I think for some, it is easier to believe that there is NO God, rather than to believe there is a God who would allow horrible things like what we witnessed today to happen.

I don't claim to have the answers, I don't even claim to have any sort of good "evidence" one way or another.  However, I have realized what I do have is hope....even if half of the time I don't really believe what I hope for...I still hope it.  I know my atheist friends would say that this kind of attitude is exactly what feeds the collective "delusion" of God, but I really don't care. I don't care because if there is even a possibility that what I hope can be true, then I would much prefer hold that "delusion" firmly in my heart.

If I may, I would like to share an experience I had once in hopes that I can illustrate why I believe it may appear like God allows these things to happen. If this story brings you peace, then I will have done my job. If you think it is merely wishful thinking, then go on believing whatever helps you to cope.

Keep in mind that I have been TERRIFIED of death since about age 13.  I have dealt with more death in my 29 years than many will their entire lives. And not just the passing of the elderly or the very ill, but the tragic and sudden deaths of those who had so much life ahead of them that their passing shook me to my very core. I claim to have a testimony of God and an after life, but I have never personally had any experience with either of these things outside of feelings or what I have been taught is so. I have never spoken with a dead relative or friend, though I have spoken to relatives and friends who claim they have. If God speaks to me, I think He does it in my dreams. These are not the kind of prophetic dreams you read about in scripture, but the feelings I experience in these dreams are so intense and so palpable...that I have a hard time simply writing them off as projections of my subconscious.

Some years back I had just such a dream...

While the details and specifics of the dream has faded over the years, there is still one aspect of it that has remained seared into my mind and my heart.

At one point in my dream I found myself in a giant room all by myself.  (You know how in dreams you know things without knowing you know them? Or you know you are talking to a certain person even though that person looks nothing like that person? That's what I mean by knowing without knowing)

At any rate...so I'm in this giant room and I'm all alone. Eventually some other people start to gather, though I don't know any of them. I realize at some point that there is a giant oak door on one wall of the room....I also realize that I need to walk through that door...but I am afraid.  I know that I can't stay in this room forever, nor would I want to, and even though walking from one room to another seems like one of the easiest things a person can do, I still can't bring myself to do it.  After all, I have no idea what is on the other side of that door. I have no idea if it leads to a bigger better room or into an abyss. Or what if there is simply nothing in that other room? What if there is no other room all together? As I watch others walk through the door I find myself getting more and more anxious...and subsequently more and more resolved to stay in the room I currently find myself in.

This is where the whole knowing without knowing thing comes into play...

I know all at once that some one I love dearly is on the other side of that door...and as badly as I want them to come into MY room, I know that they cannot. I realize that I must take the leap of faith and walk through that door...

And so I do.

The moment I enter the room I am literally flooded with the kind of feelings I described at the start of this post.  It was as if someone had taken the warmest softest blanket and utterly wrapped me up in it. And more incredible than that...for the first time in...well... I can't tell you how many years, I no longer felt anxious....

I was home.

But if this wasn't enough, as soon as I looked around I realized that this room was utterly filled with people, and I knew that they were all there to welcome me.  I fail to be able to articulate this properly, so let me just say that in that moment... I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that every person I had ever loved or cared about in my short life, from the moment I was born, till the moment I exited this life, was in that room....there was not one... single... person missing...

And as I stood there in total and complete awe and wonder I heard something within my heart whisper in a voice so beautiful and simple.....

"You see...nobody is ever truly lost to you..."

If I may...I would like to propose that perhaps the reason it appears that God is uncaring to our mortal plight is because He does not see death the same way we do.  Whereas we see death as a frightening jettison into an unknown realm...God sees it more like what it is....

Walking from one room into a another.

The rooms are all part of one house, but when the times comes, you must move from one to another.  For those left behind, it can seem like our loved ones are gone forever. We can't see into the next room and we feel as though those we have loved and cherished the most are lost to us forever...

But may I instead suggest the possibility...or maybe just the hope... that this life is not the end....that death is not the final goodbye, and that maybe the reason God seems so indifferent to the needless deaths of those we love, is because He KNOWS...

That nobody will ever be truly lost to us...




May God bless those of us who are left behind.....until it is our turn to walk from one room....and into another.....

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Better Together???

So....I was gonna add pictures to illustrate my point....but then I put the word "Cleavage" into Google...while at the school Library...and I suddenly became very uncomfortable. That being the case, you are all just going to have to use your imaginations on this one.


With all of the craziness of Finals, I have been totally neglectful of my writing.  That being said, my brain is just a little bit fried right now, so I hope you won't mind if I write about something absolutely silly...for my sake. I could use a little humor right now, how about you?

So the other day, a male friend of mine caught me "adjusting".  When he asked what I was doing I told him that men adjust...and so do we.  When he asked me what exactly I was "adjusting", I told him that my boobs had migrated together (as they tend to want to do) and that I was putting them back into their proper place.  "Proper place??", he asked bewildered, "What do you mean proper place? Where is the proper place for breasts?"  I informed my friend that the only proper and right for breasts to live is elevated and separated....UP, UP, and APART!!!

(This being what my alter-ego superhero would say....if her super power were boobs).

My friend looked at me dumbfounded...."I can get behind you on the whole elevated thing...but I don't think I agree with the separation of church and state as it were."

I run with very clever minded people obviously. Apparently this is what he now wishes to refer to my boobs as...one is Church and the other State. I'm not sure which is which...though I suppose State is going to be whichever one happens to be more inflated. *AWINK*

He then proceeded to ask me why I thought they needed to be apart from one another.  I explained to him that I personally hate when they touch.  The literal feeling of it bugs the crap out of me.  Once again he looked at me like I had just told him that I hated babies...or Christmas...or Christmas babies....."Isn't that the whole point?", he asked.  Now it was my turn to be dumbfounded.

In all my years since "the change" and my subsequent relationship with my breasts, I had never stopped to consider that together might be more attractive aesthetically speaking, then apart.  So I started to do a little research via Doctor 90210 and I discovered that the classic corseted effect of two breasts being smashed up and together creating the vision of two rolling hills....is actual something that women will pay thousands of dollars to achieve.

Go figure....

But what do you think?

Ladies with ample bosoms...do you prefer your girls together or apart? Ladies with a little less...do you long for enough there to be able to have something TO push together? Men...which style do you prefer? Why are we even talking about this? Why? Because it's silly and stupid and funny and I need to laugh right now.

SO EVERYONE WEIGH IN!!!  




 *Image source*
http://www.foodsafetynews.com/2012/08/burch-farms-cantaloupe-recall-actually-affects-caribbean-gold-not-athena/#.UMOtwKPpV8E

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

My Tower, My Mind, My Prison

I can feel another sleepless night coming on. I'm hoping that if I can get some of my thoughts out that my mind will allow my body to go to sleep.

I feel like I have been living in a fog for several weeks now.  The semester is starting to wind down...and by wind down I mean we are approaching finals and thus we are entering the most intense part of the entire semester.  With 2 more semesters to go before I achieve what thus far no other child in my family has done, I find myself unable to even rest for a moment to congratulate myself for getting through this past go round of classes.  So much these days I just feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. And then when I think about the fact that in order to do what I really want..(ie) teach at a collegiate level, I will have to endure several mores years of graduate school...it can all start to seem a little overwhelming.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE school. In all honesty, I pretty well feel like it is the only thing keeping me anchored to this world in so many ways. Well school....and this blog of course.  But for as much as I love learning and plan on spending the better part of my life continuing to do so in one way or another, I can't help but ask myself....what's the point? Why am I working so hard, going into debt, losing sleep, becoming socially removed, all for the sake of obtaining a piece of paper that proves I am worthy of....whatever.

To better myself...is one answer....because what else are you doing with your life?...is another. But still...as much as I hate to admit it...I think I am starting to realize that I could probably get 100 master degrees and yet ultimately feel the same way I do now....Empty.

All of my life I have lived inside my mind.  When I was a child I had an incredible imagination. Nobody  could entertain me the way I could entertain myself.  Give me my bedroom and a village of stuffed animals and barbies and I could create an entire world with characters that rivaled anything Stephanie Myers could produce. I preferred that world to the world in which I actually lived...and to some extent...I don't know that I ever really left my mind.

There have been occasions..........people..........who have brought me out of my the safe haven of my mind.  They made me want to come out. There was something about them that made me feel like it was safe to come out....to engage in life.  When I was around them, I had no need for fantasy or the ever constant humming of my ever pondering mind. The stilled the madness...they quieted the storm...they made me want to live in the here...in the now.

But in one way or another those people left...and like a damsel who finds the world she has so longed to join a little too harsh for her liking...I retreated to the safety and familiarity of my tower.....my mind.

And so here I sit in my tower. The walls are tall and they keep people out quite well.  I have plenty of visitors and I often engage them in conversation.  I may even venture out from time to time when the invitation is extended to me...but often and most always I find myself quickly retreating once again to my tower.

It's so lonely up here....IN here...but it's all I have known. I know these walls and the sounds the floor makes.  I want so desperately to really engage someone and yet I either find I don't know how...or they do not compel me to even try.  I honestly don't know what it is about a person that triggers that something inside of me that compels me to want to come down and stay down.  Sometimes I fear that I've grown so despondent that nobody will ever be able to get me out of here for more than a couple hours at a time.  I feel myself detaching from the world...like a balloon that has come untied from the bunch and is now beginning to drift upwards.

Lest you worry...I'm in no way suicidal. I will remain on this earth until my allotted time is over.  But there is a marked difference in being here and being here.  I haven't been here for a long while...though I've grown quite good at faking it.  I withdrew into my mind many years ago...after he died...but probably before that. I had retreated before that...but he made me want to come out....to stay out. All he had to do was ask and I would have burned that tower to the ground...and went he left...when he died...it felt like whatever was holding me to this earth lost it pull.  I don't know where I've been since that day...somewhere inside myself I suppose.

So here I stand...inside of my mind...wanting so desperately to be loved...to be engaged in the world...to be engaged with people...but I just.....can't.....

I feel like I am waiting for someone...but maybe that someone doesn't exist...or maybe that someone is me. Maybe the one who needs to compel me to come down from the tower is me...but I don't know that I ever will if left to my own devices.

So here I stand...a willing prisoner of my own mind...desperate for love...but unable to connect...

I hope any part of that made sense....I think I can sleep now.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Why I'm Not Married...And so can YOU!!

Ah Thanksgiving.

That magical time of year when we gather together as family to share a delicious homemade meal and good conversation.

And for those of us who are single...it is an opportunity to be interrogated ad nauseum  about our marital status.

Now...Being an almost 30 year old unmarried Mormon female living in Utah, you can imagine how many times I have had to answer this question. In fact, if I had a nickle for every time someone asked me "How is it that you are still single?"....I would have enough nickles that I could put those nickles into a sac and bludgeon all the people who ever asked me that question over the head...until they died....by bludgeoning...with nickles...that I acquired...from all the questions...

So over the years I have become quite creative in how I have answered this well meaning and totally unsolicited inquiry.

My Thanksgiving gift to you...A list of perfectly viable excuses for all those inquisitive loved ones.

Why I'm Not Married

1. I would love to be married...but apparently that "growth" on my body is a deal breaker.

2. I'm waiting for that whole immaculate conception thing to come back in style...(in order for this to work I must never "know" a man)

3.  I don't believe in marriage...the same way I don't believe in the Easter Bunny, Unicorns, and the Dutch. 

4. My doctors at the institution have advised me that there is a 50% chance that I would kill my spouse were I ever to have one. (But there is also a 50% chance I won't)

5. I hate men.

6. I'm barren and no LDS men want to marry a tree that can't bring forth good fruit.

7. I'm Asexual.

8. I believe marriage to be a socially constructed institution that has nothing to do with God and everything to do with big brother trying to turn a dollar.

9. While traveling in Chezwannastan, I contracted a rare tropical disease that renders me paralyzed when I come into contact with male sweat secretions. 

10. I'm a secret agent.

11. I'm an angle. 

12. I'm one of the 3 Nephites.

13. I'm not fully transitioned yet.

14. I'm not real.

15. I was going tot get married but then the love of my life decided he was going to go on a peace keeping mission to Chezwannastan, promising that he would return for me as soon as he cured cancer among the pygmy hedgehogs, but tragically his plane went down somewhere off the coast of Fiji, though I still hold out hope that he is alive and I often see him in my dreams walking along the shore of a deserted island whispering... "I know she'll wait.....I know she'll wait."

16. I'm really hoping to land that whole attending/administering angle gig.

17. The thought of creating my own world just seems like too much responsibility...and I'd rather not.

18. You know those people who always wait for everyone else to go through the food line before they go and get food?...Yeah...I'm like that...only with marriage. As soon as EVERYONE else goes...I'll go.

19. I AM married...and not you...or anyone else has the right to tell me that me and Joe my avatar 10th level sage elf husband any different.

AND

20. I like girls. 

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Why Animals are NOT Role Models

"You and Me baby ain't nuthin' but mammals so....."..............so what?

A little while back I took a course in Formal Logic...it hurt my brain. But one of my favorite parts about the class was learning about all of the fallacies that people use when they are trying to argue their point of view.

According to Wikipedia (the giver of all knowledge) a Fallacy is defined as:

"In informal logic and rhetoric, a fallacy is usually an error in reasoning often due to a misconception or a presumption. Some so-called fallacies are not rhetorically intended to appeal to reason but rather to emotion, or a more nuanced disposition. An informal analysis of rhetorical patterns in fallacies should not be confused with rigorously formal arguments in logic, because rationally persuasive arguments require neither to be successful."

There are a laundry list of Fallacies out there which are fascinating to learn, however I have found that people are rarely impressed when you point out that they are employing fallacy in their logic. 

That being said.....

I'm getting just a wee bit irritated by people who like to justify Human behavior simply because this same behavior can be commonly observed in the animal kingdom.  

Now I don't know if this fallacy already exists...but if not I would like to name it The Nature Fallacy...and I would now like to show exactly why this argument is complete and total bullshit.

Let's first start with an example of my oppositions argument:

"Biologically speaking...most animals are not monogamous...ergo...it is ridiculous to presume that Humans should be expected to be monogamous."

This is a classic one right? And in a way...it makes sense if you totally shut off your logically thinking mind when you hear someone say it.  

If I may, I would now like to counter this argument with my own using a list of common occurrences we can easily observe in nature. As you read these examples, I would ask you to consider the argument from the other side and ask yourself...how much weight does that hold now? I like to call it:

The Messed up Crap we Observe in Nature:  

1. Many female and MALE species of insects, scorpions, and craps (to name a few)...we engage in what is known as Sexual Cannibalization before, during, or following sex.  That's right...you heard me. 

Imagine if you will...

You are just an innocent Praying Mantis minding your own business when all of a sudden some hot piece of green starts giving you the come hither look. You, being an attractive and capable young male Mantis who's sole interest is in the preservation of your own species, decide that this little lady is in desperate need of your love juices and so you oblige her request for a little afternoon delight.  But just as you conclude giving her (arguably) the best 37 seconds of her life (which is relatively short to begin with) you are shocked and horrified to realize that instead of offering you a smoke, she is instead consuming your face.  



"Well that's a fine How-do-ya-do!"

Imagine this practice taking place in the Human world. It does. We call it Cannibalism...and as I come to understand it...."But Your Honor....Insects do it all the time!"  has never got anyone off the hook for making a meal of their mate.

Recall if you will a one Jeffery Dahmer....


Now I here what you are saying....You are saying Come on now....an insect is nowhere near a human and therefor you can't really compare their behavior to our own. If you are going to make a viable argument then you need to pick an example that has a brain larger than the size of a grain of sand.

All right then!

2. How about THIS guy?

Adorable right? AND!!!...it is widely accepted that Dolphins are one of the more "human like" creatures in the world as far as intelligence and emotional aspects. 

But did you know........

That there is research out there to support that Flipper here has been to known to Kill other creatures simply for the sport of it? That's right...our friendly fin(ed) friend here KILLS FOR FUN.

http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/bizarre/news-bottle-nosed-dolphins-only-animal-kills-fun

Need I say more?

There are humans out there that kill for sport....

No....not those humans...But kinda...actually....Meh... I digress

I'm talking about those messed up individuals who actually go out and kill just for the sake of knowing what it "feels like" to kill someone. I am not going to post any real life examples...We all know an example...I'm not going to give those people any more press.

Now...even though I have given you several viable examples as to why we ought not look to the animal kingdom as a example of social propriety or decent human behavior...I can still tell that there are a couple nay sayers out there that are still not convinced. You think that in order to make any kind of REAL case for my argument I need to use an example of a creature who is one evolutionary step away from driving cars and drinking Star Bucks....

Very well then.....May I present my 3rd and Final example:

3.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGvD5OSkJ_Q

OR


Never trust a Species that throws its own Feces....Need I say more?

Look to our tree swinging ancestors my friends....they will lead the way into the new age of enlightenment.

Try this tactic in the boardroom next time the business negotiations aren't going you way....and be sure to let me know how it all turns out for you.

I rest my case. 

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Physical VS. Sexual Attraction: The Debate Continues

I have loved reading all the responses to the question I posed about whether there is a difference between Physical vs. Sexual attraction.  I have to admit, I expected a little more consensus on the matter. What I also realized that a lot of what seems to be in disagreement is really just semantics.  What I mean by this is that 2 people may be using the same word, but it means something totally different to each person.

So when I ask if there is a difference between physical and sexual attraction, some replied absolutely not because in their minds, both words mean exactly the same thing. Like one person put it....

"Well duh. LOL how could I be physically attracted to someone that I didn't want to sleep with?"
-Jesse-

I must concede, in a lot of ways, this is exactly how I see it as well.  So maybe what we need to do is break down these different scenarios in an attempt to make sense of what I believe everyone is trying to express. Keep in mind however, a lot of what I am about to say comes from my own observations, and I would love to hear what you think of my theories.

1st Scenario:

You meet a person who you find physically appealing, so you ask them out or, accept a date from them.  If you were going off of only looks (AS SOME DO)....then whatever proceeds that initial physical attraction isn't going to matter all that much.  You aren't going to be detoured or "turned off" because that person turns out to be vapid, shallow, boring, selfish, Mormon, and so forth.  Because for these people, their attraction to another person is based almost entirely off of the physical composition or appeal of said individual. So in this case, there really wouldn't be a difference between Physical and Sexual Attraction, because to this person, Physical attraction IS Sexual attraction.

Exhibit A: Trophy Wives

This makes life pretty simple as far as dating choices, but I personally would never want to be in this kind of relationship...nor do I fall into this particular mindset.


 2nd Scenario:

Laboring under this mind set, you would might meet someone who you find physically appealing initially...that is to say that before you get to know them you recognize that you are at least attracted to their looks/physical appearance.  However...once you get to know them a little better you come to find that there is something about their personality that is so off-putting that you couldn't possibly picture yourself pursing any kind of real relationship with them.  At this point, our Scenario 2 actually branches off into a couple of possible sub-scenarios:

Scenario 2A:

You realize that this is not the kind of person that you would opt to spend the rest of your life with, or even the rest of the week with.  That being said, your physical attraction to them remains intact, and so you choose to use this person for physical/sexual gratification.  You may even try and convince yourself that all those abhorrent characteristics of theirs aren't really such a "big deal" and maybe just maybe if you stick around awhile they will begin to grown on you....like an STD.

Here is a good analogy of this situation I think...Trying to date a person you are physically attracted to but personality wise are unimpressed by, is like wearing a pair of really expensive shoes that are painful as hell simply because of how good they look on you.  You can't lie to yourself that you are totally miserable, but some certainly try....some even marry these kinds of people only to realize years later that they had been blinded by the physical appeal and never really stopped to consider the reality that they actually detested pretty much everything else about them.

In this scenario, physical attraction and sexual attraction could be classified as 2 separate things...but it doesn't really matter much until the person doing the beholding opens their eyes.

Scenario 2B:

This is the group of people who find themselves under the heading of Scenario 2, but who are unable or unwilling to lie to themselves that looks are enough.  These people, even if it isn't a conscious choice, won't pursue someone who they don't find appealing on more than just the physical level.

I heard this dilemma expressed by several of the men who replied to the question. As one man put it...

 "I once went out with a woman who I considered to be a total knockout. Completely, totally attractive to my senses. Unfortunately, when we got out on our first date, I discovered that, instead of not having much in common, she just failed to engage me mentally, which made me sad when it never developed beyond that. Still, I think I dodged a bullet by acknowledging that, despite the fact that she was one of the most stunning women I've ever met, our mental connection was nonexistent." -Aaron-

Essentially what we are seeing here is what could be considered a distinction between Physical and Sexual Attraction, only in so much that a person must poses attributes beyond the physical in order for a person to find themselves sexually drawn to them. But this doesn't necessarily validate the theory that physical and sexual are separate, all it does show is that for some...the physical is simply not enough on its own for them to pursue something sexual. 

In this way we see the stark difference between people in Scenario A and people in Scenario B. The main separating factor between the two is where they place what we might call Sexual Value.  For the first group, the physical attraction is enough to drive the sexual desire and the words might as well be one in the same.  The second group however is being influenced by factors outside of the physical which either inhibits or enhances the sexual desire.   

In this group, we may often find those who wish they could be in group (A)...but will someday realize they were mistaken or flat out lying to themselves.  

Scenario 3

Of the three categories (including the 2 sub categories)...I believe this is the one that happens the most often. Or rather, this is the one that happens most often in my dating life.

This is the situation when you meet someone who you find tremendously engaging and enjoyable...but unfortunately you aren't really physically attracted to the way they look.  Often times these people will get thrown into the "friend-zone" and you will end up thinking to yourself..."Man! If only I was physically attracted to him/her this would be the perfect relationship!! WHY?? WHY?? Curse my superficial nature!"

 Because after all, aren't we all ultimately looking for our best friend who we also happen to want to sleep with? Unfortunately though...it would appear that no amount of awesomeness in the personality department can make up for a lacking in the libido response.

Looks Matter.

Nobody is more disappointed about this than I am...on both sides of the fence. I have dated AMAZING men who I couldn't ever picture myself being sexual with due to lack of flat out physical attraction, and I have been "friend-zoned' or flat out rejected by men who found me practically perfect in every way, but just didn't have that lovin' feeling for me.

It sucks. It's painful. It isn't fair. It isn't right. It probably has less to do with biology and more to do with social conditioning. But be that as it may...it remains the harsh reality of our society. So unless you can crest that hill of acceptable physical attraction...there isn't much else that you will be able to do to win over the affections of the one you desire.

However.......

Scenario 3A

Rarely....and more often in the case of a woman evaluating a man...a person who you were not initially struck by physically can increase in their overall sexual appeal once you get tot know them better.  Like I said...this rarely seems to happen with men in consideration of a woman. But if you don't believe me, listen to what one of the men who posted a reply to my question had to say...

"I have often called this the "date-able list" and the "non-date-able list". This is a list that for guys is made subconsciously and is based almost entirely on attraction. If a girl is placed in the "non-date-able list" the guy will not ask her out and rarely can she move from the guys "non-date-able list" to the "date-able list". On the other hand girls that make the "date-able list" can easily be moved the the "non-date-able list".
-Tyler-

Personally, even though I concede that a man can become more attractive/sexually desirable given factors outside of his physical appearance, there still has to be enough initial physical attraction that you give him the chance in the first place to increase his standings.

Think of it as having to at least breach the Earth's atmosphere before you can even consider jumping into hyper-space.

Conclusion:

Like I stated earlier...ultimately we all have to be attracted to a person in order to be motivated to pursue them.  Where you place your value of what is and what is not attractive is a subjective process that is unique to each individual.  In the end however, if whatever is missing for that specific person is missing, then the relationship will end...or it won't even get a chance to get off the runway...let alone get taxied to the runway....let alone even leave the hanger.

Love is a battlefield.

 
  

   

Monday, November 12, 2012

Physical Attraction Vs. Sexual Attraction

So what is ironic about this post is that I actually wrote it over a week ago but decided that it wasn't relevant enough to share at the time. And then...as fate would have it...I had two separate and impactful experiences that pretty much sum up that unshared post. Apparently the universe is trying to tell me to share...because after all...sharing is caring is it not?

Lucky for us, this fits right in with the November theme of Attraction.

I think we all can agree that attraction is critical when it comes to forming a romantic relationship.  For most of us, this begins with physical attraction.  You spot someone from across the room and think...Hmmmm...they ain't bad lookin'....I think I would enjoy staring at their face some more...maybe even over a plate of meat and vegetables. So you endeavor to learn their name and ask them out and then ask them out again and then again until the magic day arrives where you drop down on one knee and secure your bond with a bit of white gold and a beautiful blood diamond. 

Simple right?

If only....

Turns out, there is a lot more to attraction than just the physical.  And as it turns out, there is also a marked difference between physical and sexual attraction.  What is odd is that where you find one, you won't necessarily find the other.  What I am saying is that you could very well be physically attracted to someone, but not sexually attracted.

I use to believe that this was merely a feminine issue.....not THAT kind of feminine issue.....jeeeeeeze.

What I mean is that I have always labored under the assumption that a male wouldn't even ask a girl out unless he could see himself....for lack of grace and a better term....doing her.  Turns out...I may have been wrong. Also, on the scale of importance, I would think that physical attraction would be more important than sexual attraction.  Without getting too crude here...what I am saying is that I know guys that will make out with anything with breasts and a pulse if he is feeling the need, but that doesn't mean that he would spend any time in the daylight with her. Make sense?

 Or, it is possible that the male that broke this stereo-type for me is just a bold faced liar. Allow me to example-a-fy:

Recently I met a guy who I found attractive and intriguing and therefore decided it was worth seeing if something could develop.  While on our first date I could sense that something was off.  This is the blessing and also the curse of having dated as much as I have. I have developed a pretty keen gauge of interest.  True...sometimes I am totally wrong, but most of the time I'm pretty spot on. And thus was the case with said boy. After the date we happened to run into each other and I more or less called him out on it.  To his credit, he admitted that I was correct in my assumptions and that even though I was "one of the coolest girls he had ever met", that he unfortunately felt no "spark".

No spark?........hmmmmmm ok.

Here's the thing.

People like to throw out these cute little buzz words like "Spirituality" and "Compatibility" and "Spark".  The common trait all these words share is their Greek root word....Bullshiticus...which....roughly translated means total and complete BullShit.

So! When a man tells me that there is no "spark" I assume this means no physical attraction. I didn't probe any further with this guy since it had only been one date and I wasn't invested in the prospect at that time.  This would be a good place for the story to end...but alas...tis not the case.

For you see...several weeks later said same boy called to inform me that he might have made a "mistake" or perhaps had been a bit "hasty" in his original verdict.  He expressed a genuine interest in a romantic relationship and asked if I would be willing to go out with him again.

I was skeptical to say the least. In my mind I was thinking....Are you not the same guy that told me only a few weeks ago that there was no "spark"? But against my better judgment I decided to give him another chance.

Oh. Stupid girl.

Several weeks and multiple dates later, Mr. No Spark had gone as cold as a the Loch Ness Monster and twice as elusive.

Now.....I could have just let it go...let him fade out like so many before...like I myself had faded out on so many before. But for some reason, I wasn't going to let the slow fade out happen this time. So I called him, and in a very polite and non threatening way expressed to him my observation of the situation and then asked him if my assessments were correct.  He admitted that he had indeed lost interest but that he still thought very highly of me.  And then I did something that I have never done before....I asked him point blank why he had changed his mind.

His reply.....

While he found me spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and yes Physically appealing, he for some reason was not "chemically" attracted to me.  He used the word chemical, I use the word sexual. He went on to make sure I understood that he did in fact find me physically pleasing, but apparently that was where it ended.

To be fair...all the tells were there. He never wanted to touch me or hold my hand or cuddle. I gave him the benefit of the doubt of course because each persons physical comfort levels are different, but ultimately I should have just gone with my gut. And what was my gut telling me?

HE's JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

I told you I had 2 experiences.

The other one involved a nice young man who I went out with on 2 brief dinner dates and then when he asked me out again I politely informed him that I had decided I wasn't interested in pursuing anything of the romantic nature with him. He apparently needed to know the reason why I had made such a choice and so I admitted to him that in all honesty I wasn't really physically attracted to him. He is not a bad looking guy by any means, and he was at least attractive enough that I accepted the initial date in the first place. But this is not the point of the story.  The point of the story is that ultimately...the biggest reason why these 2 potentially successful and meaningful relationships didn't work out were due to simple physical/sexual attraction.

That sucks.

Side Note: I still don't know if I buy the whole I am physically attracted but not sexually attracted to you. At least not from a guys perspective. So I would pose this question to all the men out there...Have you ever been physically attracted to a girl but ultimately not sexually attracted. Or do you think that it's just another line?

Discuss!!!