Saturday, February 25, 2012

4-D Situation

*Bing *Bing *Bing
(Heard in an old time jingle way)

No matter which door you choose
You are certain to lose
And though try as you may
It wont turn out ok
So ignore the things "they" advice
In the end it's your demise
When you find yourself in..........
A 4-D siiiiiiiiiiiiiituation

This jingle could have been a lot more....colorful, but I remembered that my mom said she might read my blog someday, so I went PG.

I often find myself pondering things, and usually for no particular reason. As Dr. Seuss would put it, I just love a good think. Sometimes, people notice my thinkings and ask me my advice on a particular subject or situation. I make no claim to be any kind of expert on any kind of subject, however, I certainly have made it one of my life's goals to be an observer. I know I already have a segment that is dedicated souly to these observations, but this new segment is going to be dedicated to a specific observation I like to call 4-D situations.

4-D stands for Damned if you do, and Damned if you don't. If you are a Mormon, then it stands for Danged if you do, and Danged if you don't. These are those situations in life where no matter how much you think, or plan, or scheme, no matter how many people you ask advice from or witty blogs you read, you are going to end up on the losing end of a loaded gun. It is in these situation, that one must realize that they are powerless, and in doing so, release any expectation of a positive or even neutral reaction. Give it to God to my friends, give it to God.  There are many of these situations to be sure, but let's start with a fairly common one, just to get us all warmed up.

Answering the question, "Do I look fat?"

Sorry men, this one seems to be mostly a burden of your gender. Though, I have known a couple males in my day who I can totally see making this inquiry, but most of them fancy men, soooooo men up with the question either way.

This question is royalty in the 4-D situation family. And even though we can put a man on the moon, and engineer a turduckin (A turkey stuffed with a chicken stuffed with a duck stuffed with awesomeness!), we have yet to devise a response for this question that isn't going to insight the wrath of the full feminine fury.

If you are honest and say yes, then you are an insensitive such n' such. If you lie and say no, then she will sniff you out faster than a pig on a truffle hunt. You will be awarded no points for your attempt at flattery and more than likely end up just as bad off as if you had just said yes. Now she knows that not only do you believe her to be fat, but you are also a liar, double damned.

I know there are some of you men out there who have tried to go the, "You are beautiful to me" has that one worked out for you? Not too good I reckon. The problem with this approach is that you are trying to neither confirm nor deny but instead use the power of your love to negate the question entirely. Your effort is well intentioned, but ultimately she is going to find a way to punish you anyway. In her mind, by avoiding the question, you are in reality answering the question. Here is how her thought process might play out,

"I asked him if I was fat, he said it shouldn't matter because he thinks I am beautiful, he is so insensitive, that's not what I was asking, and why couldn't he just answer the question? If he didn't think I was fat he would have said so, it's an easy question to answer, but he didn't..THEREFOR! he must in reality think that I am fat. What a jerk."

Women be craaaazzzzyyyy

This is a generalization, obviously. But sometimes generalizations can be fun!....generally.

Back to the jingle!!

So then, what do you do
When she's looking at you
She is feeling kinda fat
And wonders what you think of that
But brother hear what I say
Turn and run the other way
You're right in the middle of..........
A 4-D situation!

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