Friday, February 17, 2012

To Smash, or Not to Smash...THAT is the question


To continue our month-O-love tribute, what more fitting topic could there be than the ultimate expression of love and devotion. Yes, I am speaking of marriage.
 "Mawhige is wut bwings us togevah...today. Wuv, that bwessed awangement, that dweam, wifin a dweam".

 And what could be more beautiful and meaningful, than the newly formed union sharing the aged old tradition of feeding baked goods to each other while others watch. It is truly one of the most sacred of events I have ever been privileged to witness. Though, I have to admit, I do find it interesting to observe the different ways in which this ceremony of flour and sugar "goes down", depending on the couple. This got me thinking; could there be any correlation between the choices made during this act, and the overall success of the marriage? After giving this question much thought (bout 20 minutes) and gathering a slew of information (bout 20 individuals, some married, some divorced), I can now claim in no uncertain terms that there is indeed a direct correlation!

 My findings are air-tight....Air. Tight. So if you want your marriage to last, or if you find yourself already wedded and wondering if it’s gonna last, then what I have discovered will be of critical importance to you. Just sayin.

 Ok, so maybe that's not exactly true. I suppose that it is "possible" that my theory may have a few "obvious holes", but hey....that never stopped Al Gore. It may not be exact science, but hopefully it's worth a good chuckle. With that said, I now present to you AWV's Hierarchy of Cake Smashing in Relation to a Successful Marriage, or A.W.V.H.C.S.R.S.M. Catchy no?

 1. The Dual No Smash:
This couple represents the most potential for a long lasting and fulfilling relationship. This is a relationship built on the foundation of mutual respect and consideration for the others well-being and feelings. As one individual interviewed remarked, "Why would you smash cake in someone’s face? It's rude". This sentiment seemed to be shared by many of those couples I interviewed on the subject. It is also interesting to note that these couples were the ones I would consider my "role models" for a healthy marriage. I believe that the foundation for this sucess is found in the selfless nature of the relationships. So to me, it would stand to reason that if you have the attitude of putting the other persons feelings above your own, the likelihood of you ramming cake up their nose would be very low, and vice versa.

2. The Dual Smash:
Following in a close second are the couples that engage in the duel smashing. In this case, both parties decided that their spouses faces were in need of some cake painting, and so obliged the obvious need happily. Just because they both chose to smash doesn’t necessarily mean that they have none of the qualities of the above mentioned couples. It could be that both parties of this union are just more playful and childlike in nature. This may have been one of the reasons they were drawn to each other in the first place. However, it is also possible that both parties are by nature, a little more mean spirited and/or thoughtless. If this is the case, then you may have a bit of a rough marital road ahead of you. When I look at the couples I know personally who engaged in the duel smash, I see both situations. These tend to be some of the strongest marriages, but also some of the more volatile ones as well.

3. The Lone Smasher (Female):
Depending on how the ritual plays out, the couple will either take turns, or will feed each other at the same time. I have discovered in my many years of wedding attending, that both have their inherent pitfalls. Our third group are those where the man decided to be loving and gentle with his cake feeding, and the woman returns the kindness by promptly shoving cake in his eye sockets. At this point, she might giggle innocently and give him "that look" that he just loves, and all seems to be forgotten...for the moment anyway. I know you are going to think I am lying, but of my friends that I interviewed, both married and divorced who had this scenario took place, the wife was or continues to be the tyrant in the relationship. The bigger issue here is that you have two different personality types. One with an attitude of selflessness and one with the attitude of selfishness. One may put up with the other for a time, but eventually it is going to get old. You can only take so many proverbial cake smashings until you call the game.

4. The Lone Smasher (Male):
You might be wondering why the differential between male and female lone smashers. At the core, the issue for both is the same. If you have one selfish partner, be they male or female then you are pretty well sunk. However, there still remains a slight margin of difference between the two, which I believe I can sum up with a classic bit of timeless wisdom....

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".
I could probably just leave it at that, but let me add just one more little thought to it. Woman have an uncanny, nay, an unnatural ability to remember past transgressions and exact vengeance for said offenses WELL after the fact. Men...is it really worth a lifetime of retribution just because you thought she would think it was "funny"? Think about it, that's all I'm saying.

I hope you have enjoyed my totally legitimate scientific theory, and I know that you will take everything I have taught here today as truth received; undisputable and unchallengeable.
OR!...you can just do as most people do when I spew such propaganda, and just shake your head softly while you gently chide me in your mind.

MAZEL TOV!

1 comment:

  1. I have to admit that I have thought of this many times myself and while I haven't delved into it at such a profound level, I tend to agree with what you've said. :)

    That and also when I read the title, the first thing I thought of was an encounter with a spider...

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