Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The Post-Date Text

It's the little things in life that seem to mean so much...don't cha think?

Funny how some of the smaller things in life tend to pack the most potential for doom as well....

A black widow spider...

A few drops of Arsenic...

Or even just a couple simple words glowing in your text message inbox after a first date...

Ah the post-date text.  You may scoff at my dedication of an entire post to this subject, but you and I both know that this is no trivial matter.  The difference between text and no text can mean the difference between a second date and another lonely weekend with nothing but your thoughts, a case of diet root-beer, and The Land Before Time #'s 1-27.

Don't pretend like you don't know what I am talking about.  It is an unwritten and yet nevertheless totally accepted reality in our dating culture that if you enjoyed yourself on your date, and if you wish to see that person again, you or they, or both will send a follow up "thank you" text after you have parted ways for the evening.

Exactly how long you wait depends on the individual.  I tend to believe that whoever texts first is also the person who feels the least confident that the other will want to see them again.  Think of dating like a football game....during the course of the evening the possession of the ball will inevitably shift from you to them and then from them to you and so on and so forth.

This is not always the case however, there are certainly times when you know from the moment you open that door that this thing ain't going nowhere.  In these situations, you can rest assured that possession of that ball is not likely to ever leave your grasp.  It will probably then come as no surprise when after the date has concluded...at 8pm...because you have an "early class" in the morning...you receive an enthusiastic text to tune of..

"Hey! Thanks again for tonight. I really had fun! =)".

Your opponent has just showed their soft vulnerable underbelly.  What they are hoping for is for you to send something like this back....

"Yeah me too! We should do this again sometime ;) ".

However...if you really weren't feeling your date, and have no intention of ever feeling them in the future, then as the text-ie your prerogative is to either just not respond at all, or to reply with something very general. For example...

"Indeed. Thank you."

Notice the total lack of exclamation points and emoticons. This is key. If there is one thing I have come to learn it is this...

Emoticons matter.

Time for the participation portion of our blog! Let's play a little game shall we? I will post a list of common replies to the common initial post-date text, and you are going to rate the level of interest of the person giving said responses..Ready???

"Thank you. Have a great night."

"Thanks, it was fun. I really enjoyed myself."

"Thank You! I really had a great time with you =) ".

Pretty easy yes?

The first is obviously someone who might think you are "super neat", but in the same way they think their cousins are "super neat". Nobody wants to do their cousin...unless they are from the south.

The second is a person who might be either trying to play it cool, or isn't quite sure if they would want to go out with you again. That being said, they genuinely enjoyed the time the spent with you and you could have a slot in the friend-zone all lined up and waiting for you.

And the third is obviously someone who wants to make sure that it is absolutely clear (through the cunning use of emoticons and exclamations) that they want for you to follow up their reply with some like this...

"Sweet! We should do this again sometime yes?"

Sometimes though, people will receive a reply the likes of #1 and #2...heh....#2........and they will interpret that as grounds to proceed to the passive 2nd date procurement.

Here is a simply rule of thumb to follow...

Post-Date Text Etiquette

If you are the initial text(er) then you are showing your cards first.  For this reason, you do not want to also be the one to suggest the follow up date.  If the person is interested, then they will suggest the follow up date after they receive your initial text.  This is of course unless they are playing hard-to-get or haven't read the etiquette of post-date texting.

If you are the text(ed) then it becomes your responsibility to either passively extend an invitation for a "next time"...or not. So in theory an ideal situation in which both parties enjoyed themselves and wish to see one another again, the post-date text exchange would look something like this.

Bob and Gina have said goodnight and Gina has waited about 10-15 minutes after going her separate way from Bob for the evening.  Bob is still driving home when he receives a text alert on his phone and he looks down to see a message waiting for him from Gina. He looks down at his phone....er uh....I mean...he pulls off to the side of the road making sure to employ all the necessary blinkers and indicators and THEN looks down at his phone to see this message:

"Hey! I just wanted to say thanks for tonight. I had a really good time with you =) ".

Bob...while still obeying all traffic laws and observations waits 5-10 min and then replies:

"Yeah, me too! We should totally do this again soonish ;-) "

Gina, now delighted to have received this confirmation immediately text back:

"Agreed! I'm pretty much free this entire weekend so just let me know! :-)"

This is of course a balls-y move on Gina's part only in the sense that she risks looking "too available" by admitting to Bob that she has no plans for the weekend.  Fortunately for her, Bob takes it as her way of indicating she is willing to make time for him (an excellent sign of interest) and then, so as to not seem too eager follows up with:

"For sure, I will give you a call here in the next day or two and we can figure it out! Sleep tight =)"


Before we close this chapter of human behavior, I feel I have to at least point out the exceptions to the rules I have just peddled as absolute truth.

You will...on occasion come across an individual who will give you all the textual signs of being interested, but in reality...are not.  These people are well intentioned, but maybe not brave enough to be honest with you.  We all know these people, we have all tried to date these people. These are the guys who will say that they had fun with you and that they will "talk to you later"....and later never comes. And these are the women who will tell you that they would love to go out with you again, but then become impossible to get a hold of or tie down ever again.

So as with most things in life, personal discretion is key, and a follow up text can't hurt neither!

Oh....and I had a really good time with you guys tonight. We should totally do this again sometime =)          


Saturday, October 27, 2012

Why Mormon Girls Love Halloween...And the Men as Well...Obviously.

I love Halloween.

It is the one time of the year that everybody else gets to experience what I do for a living. Mainly dressing up like someone or something totally different and then taking on that character in a public setting.

Viva la Theater Nerd!

In the interest of total honesty, I will admit that there has been an occasion or two where I was cast to play a character that was a bit...shall we say.....loose in the morals department?

No joke. I actually was cast in a children's bible story live action musical as a "Woman of questionable character." Seriously, that is how I was credited...look it up on IMDB


To be fair though....this is what a "Woman of Questionable Character" was sporting back then...apparently


So far be it for me to judge when a person decides to skank-out for Halloween. Let's be honest...I live in predominately Mormon culture where we are taught from the days of our early childhood that modesty is next to Godesty. Or, as the boys were taught to chant...."Modest is Hottest."

Isn't that just special...

I'm all for modesty. I have no desire to see a scantly clad female sitting in front of me in church when I am trying to think about Jesus but all I can focus on now is my concern that if she sneezes we are going to have a "wardrobe malfunction" right in the middle of Sunday school.

But hey...at least she made the effort to come to church no?

So here we are! Halloween. The most skank-ee-ful time of the year. A magical time when repressed Mormon females can shed their inhibitions..(and most of their clothing) and for one glorious night vicariously live out their hidden fantasy of being a street walker.

You might think I am bashing these women....not so! Well....mocking maybe....but not bashing.

You have to know that I am actually kind of a fan of living out your secret whatevers in a safe and structured way.  I have often joked that the reason I have been able to stay so "clean" over the years is in part due to the fact that I have been able to play characters on stage that allow me to exercise that aspect of my personality...if you will.

For example!

The Frigid Chain Smoking Black Widow.


The Frigid Chain Smoking Russian Spy

And of course the most riskay character of them all....

Oh yeah....That's hot....But WAIT! It gets better!

There we go. THAT's the Money Shot. Grandma is trading her morphine drip for a pair of hooker boots and a thirst for sidewalk corners.

That was fun.

Here is the thing, we are all human, and even a good little Mormon girl wants to know what it feels like to be the sex babomb that walks into a room and makes all the boys heads turn and all the girls think "I hate you" in their minds.

Now...that being said, I do believe there is a fine fine line between performance and advertisement.

Make Sense?

Whenever I played a character on stage or even during my brief stint as a loin-cloth-clad diver at The Mayan Restaurant...

I understood that when I was in character I was no longer Me, I was that character. True it isn't possible to totally remove yourself from your character....unless you have a multiple-personality disorder...but what it mean is that once that costume comes off, so does everything that went along with it.

I should note here that I don't particularly buy the argument that strippers, prostitutes, and porn stars are merely "actors" and that it isn't really "them" doing these acts, but instead their "character". In my mind, a character is left on the stage, and there is no real interaction with your audience. But hey...I am nowhere close to an expert on this subject. Also, the reason why women choose to go into these kinds of professions are complicated and multifaceted. Far be it for me to try and pass any kind of judgement...and I don't.

So now lets tie Mormons to Strippers....umm.....

The moral of this story is that for many Mormon girls....and now guys too actually...*shudder*...Halloween has become their proverbial stage for one night. And while I myself have never dawned a costume OR a role for that matter that I didn't feel comfortable letting my family see...OK....maybe the loin cloth....

Yeah..... definitely the loin cloth...

I am noticing that for some reason good LDS girls feel as though Halloween is a "pass" for them to dress like something from a XXX film.  Again...no judgments... well...no harsh judgments anyway. Just an observation.

I am like Spock from Star Trek or Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory....It is not my goal nor my place to pass judgments on the behaviors of the humans...I simply find it fascinating! 

Happy Halloween Everybody!!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Women and Pillows

I was attending Ward Prayer at one of the apartments in my building this last Sunday, and I couldn't help but notice an odd occurrence. I wish that I had had a camera with me so that I could have captured this phenomenon on film, but sadly, I do not own a camera.

Side Note: If anyone would like to donate a camera to me, I would gladly and humbly accept the generous offer and there might even be a baked-good-blitz in return for your charity. *wink*

Since I can't show you what I am talking about, I will instead describe it to you.

On the couch directly across from me sat 3 young girls. I imagine these girls are all between the ages of 18-23 years old, all single, all Mormon. They were different enough in appearance and ethnicity (which is a rare thing to find in Utah...to say nothing of Utah Valley), and they also varied in body type and weight.

However, the one thing that they all had in common was the fact that every last one of them sat with a couch pillow directly atop her lap.

I am not embellishing when I say that not 10 minutes after I first noticed this fact, one more young woman walked into the room and sat down on the adjacent couch and wouldn't ya know....promptly proceeded to place the remaining pillow directly on her lap.

Now, I am no Behavioral Science expert, but I do fancy myself a watcher and dissector of human behavior. It fascinates me to no end.  So of course when I saw this strange synchronicity taking place right before my eyes, I knew I had to launch a further mind probe into the situation.

I playfully pointed out to the girls that they were are sitting with pillows in their laps and asked them why that was.  One girl told me that it is "Just more comfortable", another said that "It keeps me warm".

It does what with the what now?

 I may have done the Scooby-Doo double take with that reply. Believe you me, I am probably the most poorly regulated female as far as temperature goes. When I touch you, you can fully anticipate that it is exactly what Death will feel like when he comes to claim you.  That being said, I find it highly suspect that a fluffy pillow that hovers over your legs is making that big of a difference in your overall body temp/comfort.

May I instead propose just a couple other theories?

I'm going to channel Freud for this first one.

Theory #1

Women, particularly young, innocent, single, Mormon, virgin women are a bit...how shall we say?.....terrified of their sexuality. In this way, the pillow acts as not only a physical but also a metaphysical barrier between the girl and the big-bad-men-folk that lurk near by...lying in wait for their opportunity to leap forth and deflower their innocence as soon as their guard is down!  The pillow, in this theory, is like a big fluffy chastity belt. It is a subconscious signal to all those around her (but particularly men) that she is no hussy! Her milkshake won't be bringing any boys to yard. No sir. Not without a ring and a date anyway.

 While I find the first theory more amusing, I think that this next theory is a little more plausible.

Theory #2

My second theory is that girls, are so insanely insecure about their bodies that the pillow acts as a sort of cover to disguise the perceived "flaws" of the sitting female.

Men, let me let in you on a little female insight. I kid you not, I have actually heard this very subject discuss in great length before by more than several females.

We as women tend to carry a little more weight in our lower region. You as men tend to carry it more in your gut. This is just one of those little curiosities of biology that you can thank God for someday if you get the chance. I could go into the technical explanation that would include a discussion on insulin regulation and the hormonal differences between the sexes; but all of that wouldn't change the fact that most guys actually look better in a pair of heels than their female counterparts.

My point here is that women tend to be a bit thicker in the hip, butt, and thigh area. And because of this little cruel fact of nature, when a female sits, she experiences what we affectionately refer to as "Thigh Spread".

No Joke. We have actually named this.

So for an average gal who has a healthy amount of fat on her bones, the difference between thigh-size standing, and thigh-size sitting can be....alarming.

I myself am a slimmer-type female, but even I am not immune to the dreaded Thigh Spread and all of it's accompanying shame. It's as if you started out with two perfectly normal and separate legs just before you sat, but now instead you seem to have replaced those two separate legs with one solid wall of flesh and fat.

Traumatic really......

It is now much easier to see why a gal would opt to "cover her shame" whenever possible.  A blanket is preferable, but in a pinch, a purse, or backpack, or yes...even a pillow will do. 

The More You Know!! Doo Doo Doo Doooooooooo


Sunday, October 14, 2012


I think I might be in the wrong major.

I would like to illustrate my point with a story involving myself, and one of my professors.

Professor: Brittney, I wanted to talk to you about your last exam for a moment if that's alright.

Me: Umm...sure. Ok.

Prof: I noticed that you left one of the questions blank...

Me: Oh?

(My Mind): Ah Crap.

Prof: Yes, at the very end...the question that asks you to list what you believe are 5 of your core identity traits.

Me: Oh.

Prof: Did you not see it?

(My Mind): Oh I saw it alright.

Me: No, I saw it.

Prof: So... you didn't answer it on purpose?

Me: Well...yes...kind of...Is there a problem? The question was for extra credit right? It shouldn't have counted against me right?

Prof: Oh no no, it didn't hurt your grade at all. I'm just really curious why you would leave such an easy question blank?

(My Mind): Easy??? You call that loaded gun of a question EASY??

Me: *Sigh*

Prof: Is something wrong?

(My Mind): Please don't make me have this conversation. Please don't make me expose how much of a freak I am. This is why people can't stand to be around me for very long. Please, for BOTH of our sakes...I am asking you to just let it go...it is a stupid extra credit question that doesn't mean anything. I come to class, I do my work, I try not to frighten the freshmen...so please...what do say? Do me a solid and just walk away nice professor person.

*No Sign of retreat*

(My Mind): Damn.

Me: I guess....I guess I just don't like labels much.

Prof: What do you mean?

Me: Well...I guess I just feel like people are so complex that it is pointless to try and assign any kind of "identity" label to them.

Prof: So are you telling me that you don't believe you have an identity?

Me: In what context?

Prof: What do you mean "in what context"?

Me: I mean...in what reality?

Prof: Um...in this reality.

Me: No, I know that. What I am saying is that we as humans feel a need to label everything, including ourselves and others. We say, "What a good girl", or "You are a bad person." But in reality, that girl has probably done a lot of bad things in her life, and that bad person has probably done at least some good at one point or another along the way.

Prof: I think I get what you are trying to say, but you don't have to define yourself as all good or all bad. Your identity can be made up of a lot of different things, not just "good" or "bad".

Me: Yes, you are right. And if you want I could make a generic list of things like, "I am (blank)", or "I am (blank)", but none of those things feel genuine to me. They feel like things I Do not things I Am. Does that make sense?

Prof: Ok, well how about something as simple as saying, "I am a female."

(My Mind): Don't.....Don't.......Just smile and say yes. Don't you dare argue this point ...I'm warning you. Just nod and tell the professor that they really got-you-there. After all, you ARE female, I know, I've looked. Whatever you do...just don't react!

Me: *Whince*

(My Mind): *Slow Clap* Well played...you are a fortress. Why do I even bother?

Me: Actually Professor, if you are speaking about what makes a female a female outside of the obvious anatomy, then I still feel like there is too much ambiguity to clearly define what is inherently "female" and  what is inherently "male" beyond what our society has socially constructed.

(My Mind): Oh this is going to go over well.

Prof: Certainly you don't believe that the biological predispositions that separate the sexes are nothing more than social constructs?

Me: No. There are obviously chemical/biological/anatomical difference that separate the two. But those aren't identity as much as they are packaging. Haven't you ever heard of people who feel like they were born in the wrong gendered body? Why is really going on there? Is it really because they have penis or boob envy? Or is it that they are indoctrinated from birth as to what it means to be either "male" or "female" and they then begin to identify more with the gender they are not and thereby conclude that they are in the "wrong gendered body." But if we never defined what it meant to be "male" or "female", they might never even feel a need to raise the issue.    

Prof: I get what you are saying, I think.. but I feel like you are missing the point. Surely, there must be some aspect of your personality that has stayed the same for the most part of your life, enough so that you would feel comfortable saying it was genuine?

Me: There probably are things about me that have stayed constant through the years. I'm sure if you asked my family they could point out specific personality traits about me like my anxious disposition or my dry sense of humor or my heart of gold under the thick shell, but again, I have a really hard time saying that these things are "Me". After all, so much of "who we are" is nothing more than the result of who we grew up around and the people who influence us the most. The way I see it...who we are is like a totally blank canvas or an empty cup. And what you are asking me to do is to list the colors or pictures that we drawn onto the canvas, or the substance that filled the cup.

Prof: So you see yourself as...nothing? Just a void?

Me: Not entirely, but I am saying that if I had been born in Africa or Outer Siberia or in 100 BC, the likely hood that I would in any way, shape, or form resemble the person I am today is slim to none. So I guess, in a way, it's not the question I take issue with, it is the way it is worded.

Prof: Ok...how should I have worded it?

Me: I guess I would word it something like...List 5 aspects of the persona that you have taken on or that has been thrust upon you that you believe are constant enough as to be considered "set".




Prof: You do realize this isn't a philosophy course don't you?

Me: *Sigh*.....Yes.

Prof: We will see you next week. Enjoy your weekend.

Me: Thank you. You too Professor.

(My Mind): What did we learn?

Me: Keep my big stupid nonsensical mouth shut?

(My Mind): Good girl. 

Prof: Before you go...

(My Mind): We were ALMOST outside the door. So close....

Me: Yes?

Prof: Would you like to answer the question for the extra credit?

Me: Sure...

*Scribbles two words on the paper and hands it back to the professor*

Prof: Ha!...Fair enough.

(My Mind) "I AM"........brilliant....you freaking nerd.

Me: I AM.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Man-Tactics Revealed!!!

Oh you men.

You think you are sooooo smooth...sooooo clever....sooooo tactile. Well I have news for you mister(s)!!! I have infiltrated your mind! I have spent time among your soldiers of trickery! And I have learned your "stratergery"! (thank you President Bush)

And though you have sent your black ops after me in an attempt to try and prevent me from divulging your secrets, it has afforded you nothing! Nothing says I! And now I will reveal your Man-Tactics to the world!! THE WORLD I TELLS YA!!! BwwaaahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!.......

Um....what was I?...oh yes!...I now present:

Man-Tactic Revealed

Ladies, let me tell you something about a certain kind of guy.  This certain kind of guy is the certain kind of guy who is not looking in any way, shape, or form to get into any kind of committed relationship. This certain kind of guy is a man-child who's sole purpose in life is to satisfy his own selfish (and often specifically sexual) desires.  This guy doesn't want you to be his girlfriend, he wants you to be his make-out buddy, his "friend-with-benefits", his Girl Friday, his "Bit-on-the-side", his "Stress Relief", his milk with no cow purchase.  But you see, this certain kind of guy has a problem, and it is a problem he has cleverly figured out a way to avoid.

His problem is, either due to social/cultural/religious pressures...OR...because somewhere deep down inside his black soulless being he actually recognizes that using women is "wrong" and that he "shouldn't" do it. He is then left with a pickle or a riddle, that being, how does he get what he wants (sexual healin'), without violating the moral code?

I will now take you into the mind of this certain kind of guy:

"Man, I really want to get some sweet sweet action from this girl. I can tell that she is into me, but I get the sense that if I kiss her, she is going to expect some sort of relationship..

(Me) Uh...yeah...most women see physical interactions as a sign of an invested interest. It is bonding for a woman to be physical with a guy. We are emotional creatures...or haven't you noticed.

...which I am totally not interested in pursuing. What to do? AH HA! I've got it! What if, I was somehow able to get her to kiss me first? That way, it totally absolves me from any responsibility.

Brilliant. That way, when you drop off the face of the earth and she somehow finds a way to track you down you and then proceeds to grill you on your abrupt departure, you can point out to her that it was in fact SHE who kissed YOU. Plus, this is how you will be able to justify it to yourself, your religious leaders, God, and the next girl you dupe into going out with you. Ass. 

That way, when she comes to me later and asks me why I disappeared on her, I can point out the fact that had been honest with her from the get go about not wanting a relationship. Therefore, I am blameless in this situation because she knew exactly  what she was getting herself into in the first place!"


With plan in place this certain kind of guy will then ask out said girl and attempt to exact said plan.

I swear to you, some guys are so good at this that I'm convinced they minored in it at the University of Douche' Baggery.

Here is how a typical encounter with this certain kind of guy might go.

Indications you are in the company of this certain kind of guy:

1. He will often make it clear that he isn't looking for a relationship, though this is not always the case. More than likely though, he will give indications that he is just "enjoying getting to know people without the pressure of a relationship", or  "Living in the moment" and "Avoiding being so serious about life" or "Figuring things out". Or, he will just avoid the whole topic all together. These are dead giveaways that this guy is enjoying the buffet that is dating and has no intention of settling down any time soon.

By the way, the reason he has to do this is so that he can justify in his own mind, if not yours as well, that he was "up front" and "honest" about not wanting anything serious. In his mind, if this is "clearly" understood, then any physical action that follows is a mutually understood exchange with zero expectations of a relationship...or even a goodnight text.


2. He will then proceed to do whatever he can to arouse you to the point of attacking him.  His preferred mode of operation will be to get you horizontal, either on a couch, or more preferably a bed. He might offer you a "relaxing massage" and then proceed to go all Hands Across America on you.  Remember though, he isn't going to kiss you first, nor is that his goal, unless he is a total tool and isn't even trying to give off the appearance of being a guy who cares.That is a different certain kind of guy. The certain kind of guy we are talking about at the moment is one who is pretending to be a good guy...which actually makes his actions more deplorable in my opinion.

Living in Utah and in a predominately LDS community, you see  a lot of this certain kind of guy.  He is the one who goes to church every Sunday, holds callings, maybe pays his tithing, maybe attends the temple, is more than likely a return missionary, and is totally unconcerned with the feelings of the women he is attempting to manipulate into "sparking" with. (See my post about Sparking)

I'm not saying he is a "bad" guy per say...though I find it hard to not feel a little judgement towards people in general who care more about their own selfish lusts than the effects that such pursuits have on those they con into participating. And when I say Con I mean it.

Yes, you might rub her back and breathe softly of her neck and pull her close enough to you that little is being left to the imagination about "how attractive you find her", and yes all of these actions might insight her to go the remaining .1% when you are leaning in 99.9% of the way, but make no mistake....No matter how you try to justify it to yourself or to the world, the reality is that that girl kissed you because:

A: She is so insecure that the only way she feels good about herself is when she is sexually desired by a male. Which you might have picked up and therefore subsequently chose her.

If this is true then all I have to say is...Who are you?? Satan??

B. This naive girl actually thought you had legitimate interest in her and interpreted your physical affection as a sign of your interest. (Which women tend to do)

If this is the case and you exploited this fact, then you are not only not a gentleman, you are also not a very good example of what it means to be a Man.

So often I hear guys complaining about the multitudes of "jaded" and "bitter" women out there. Well guys...where the crap do you think these women are coming from? Do you honestly think they are inventing stories in their minds about jerks who have taken advantage of them and their trusting natures? Really? Really???

Granted, a woman should never hold one man accountable for the actions of another. And if you are a legitimately good guy who doesn't treat women this way, then don't freak out and fly into a frenzy over this post. I'm not talking about you.  I am talking about the percentage of men out there that are giving you guys a bad rap. If you want to get mad at anyone, get mad at THEM. Don't blame the dog bite victim when they are a wee bit weary of dogs from that time on. Blame the stupid dog that bite her and then exercise a little compassion and patience when she acts perhaps a bit suspicious at first.

Remember....most wolves appear first in sheep form.

And finally ladies...

I know that sometimes this world of dating can be a cruel place. I know that you feel outmatched and outdone by the seemingly never ending throngs of barbie-doll-perfect girls you are in "competition" with. I also know that when you don't really love and respect yourself, you become easy prey for wolves like the certain kind of guy I have been describing. Even though it feels good to be wanted, desired, and sought after by a good looking and charming guy, you need never feel obligated to engage in physical intimacy to whatever level with a guy until YOU are ready. And if what you are looking an actual relationship, it is OK to put off the physical for awhile.

A Good Guy will wait!

In all of my years of dating and talking candidly with male friends and family members, I have never ONCE heard a guy say that he walked away from a girl that he was legitimately interested in pursuing due to the fact that she held off from become physically involved for a little longer than he would have liked. In fact, I have heard several men say that this only made him like the girl more, and that it showed something about her character, which also added to the attraction.

Ultimately though, it all comes down to what you are looking for.

Are you just looking for a good time? Fine. But if this is the case, then the least you can is not exploit the tender feelings of another human being.

This might go without saying ladies...But like a dear friend of mine put it once....

"If you want to date quality then you need to be quality." 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

It's not you it's ME!! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!!!

Now that I have made my triumphantly awkward return to dating I seem to have no end of material to blog about. If love is a battlefield, then the process of getting to love is a 3-ringed circus with killer zombie clowns and more elephant crap than you can shake a stick at.

Side Note: I want you to visualize a person shaking a stick at a pile of elephant crap. In my mind he is an old man and he is muddering as he shakes his stick with fervor.

And we're back!

It's interesting to me that whenever I get into a situation whether on a date or contemplation after a date, I will often have song lyrics pop into my head. Let me give you a scenario of how it has gone before...

I'm on a date, and even though I am having a good time I feel that something is off.  I am trying to figure out what it could possibly be, so I run through a quick check list in my mind.

Am I attracted to him physically?


Is he funny and/or engaging?


Does he give off a creepy or serial killer vibe?


Well dressed?


Pleasing smell?


Do I get the impression that he is plotting to take me back to his place in the woods, dump me in a hole, and make a person-suit out of my skin??? 

Not any more so than any other guy no.

So what is the issue?

And then the words from the musical The Music Man come flooding into my mind...

 All I want is a plain man
All I want is a modest man
A quiet man, a gentle man
A straightforward and honest man
To sit with me in a cottage somewhere in the state of Iowa.
And I would like him to be more interested in me than he is in himself.
And more interested in us than in me. 

So....if I understand you correctly....brain....it feels off because he isn't "plain" enough?

*My Brain* No

Ummmm........beeeecause......he isn't from Iowa??

*My Brain* (face palm slap)

 And I would like him to be more interested in me than he is in himself.
And more interested in us than in me.

OOOooohhhhhhhh....I get cha...Thanks Brain, I promise to feed you nutritious caffeine free diet Mtn Dew later .

Here's the thing.

People...It doesn't matter how cool, clever, smart, funny, talented, rich, attractive, spiritual, mature, blah blah blah blah you are, if all you ever do is talk about Your life, Your interests, Your likes and dislikes, Your views, Your whatever...If you don't care enough to know about the person you are with, it probably isn't going to go anywhere. We are all vain by nature. We all believe that we are the most interesting people we have ever met, and as such, we like when people ask us questions about us. There are exceptions to this rule granted. Secret Agents don't seem to like the 20 question game as much.

But this goes beyond mere vanity.  Another huge component of this is the fact that we seem to intuitively understand that the way that a person shows genuine interest in something or someone is by studying it.  Can you imagine a shrink sitting on a couch telling his life story while his client sits in confused silence? Or a wedding planner who never bothers to ask what you want your colors to be and just goes ahead and uses her favorites which happen to be puke green and electric mauve? Of course not...and why? Because when a person is legitimately interested in getting to know you, they use the easiest and most effective way to do so by asking questions...about YOU.

Granted, it is easy to fall into the trap of shameless self promotion, particularly when you are trying to impress somebody. However, a good conversation should look more like a professional volley-ball game and less like a one man comedy show.  

Let's see an example shall we? Roll the film!

Sally: So, if you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?

Joe: I would go to Europe for sure. I just love the history there. I have always wanted to see the castles of England and the art of France and Stone Henge and all of that crap.

Sally: Really?? I like Europe too...

Joe: Yeah, I just really think it would be super awesome to see where my lineage came from. I'm actually European royalty if you follow my line back far enough.  

Sally: That's really cool, I have a pretty interesting family history myself...      

Joe: Oh my gosh! I have the craziest family. My Mom is a total sweetheart, I don't know how she put up with my 5 brothers and me. We were holy terrors. But somehow she always managed to keep the home together and have supper on the table every night when my dad came home.

Sally: I have a family too actually....

Joe:  Yeah, family is really important to me. I want to have a huge family someday, tons of kids. But I will still expect my wife to stay in awesome shape so that our sex life never suffers. 

Sally: I'm barren actually due to an unfortunate cow tipping accident from my youth, I still have the scar if you want to see it, it's shaped like president Lincoln, strangely enough...

Joe: Don't get me started on politics! This next election is going to be huge! I can't believe that anyone would even be thinking about voting for Kirstie Alley when Apollo clearly out shines her in every dance.

Sally: I use to dance...back in the day...nude mostly...sometimes with farm animals...which of course goes back to the whole scar story I mentioned before you will recall...

Joe: I'm not a huge dancer, but I have been known to bust a move or two in my time. In high school I almost made the ballroom team, but it interfered too much with football, plus I didn't want the guys on the team to think I was gay.

Sally: I have recently been thinking about switching teams myself...ironically....

Joe: So.....you wanna make out?   

Oddly enough, Sally never went out with Joe again, and is now living with her life partner Bobby-Sue somewhere in the state of Iowa. 

I think my point has been made, but just in case you missed it, here are the cliff notes:

1. Do Not talk only about yourself while on a date or when getting to know someone.
2. Do ask your date many questions about them. Why?
    A. People like to talk about themselves
    B. People intuitively know that asking questions is a sign of genuine interest
    C. You will look like a shallow vapid narcissist if you don't

Oh....and one word of warning to all of those out there who find yourselves in a situation where you are not being asked about yourself...proceed with caution. Maybe they are just nervous, maybe they are just trying so hard to impress you that they are attempting to get out their life story first before then turning to you, or maybe just mayyyyybe they aren't asking you about you because they genuinely don't care to know. 

But that's another discussion for another day.