I can feel another sleepless night coming on. I'm hoping that if I can get some of my thoughts out that my mind will allow my body to go to sleep.
I feel like I have been living in a fog for several weeks now. The semester is starting to wind down...and by wind down I mean we are approaching finals and thus we are entering the most intense part of the entire semester. With 2 more semesters to go before I achieve what thus far no other child in my family has done, I find myself unable to even rest for a moment to congratulate myself for getting through this past go round of classes. So much these days I just feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. And then when I think about the fact that in order to do what I really want..(ie) teach at a collegiate level, I will have to endure several mores years of graduate school...it can all start to seem a little overwhelming.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE school. In all honesty, I pretty well feel like it is the only thing keeping me anchored to this world in so many ways. Well school....and this blog of course. But for as much as I love learning and plan on spending the better part of my life continuing to do so in one way or another, I can't help but ask myself....what's the point? Why am I working so hard, going into debt, losing sleep, becoming socially removed, all for the sake of obtaining a piece of paper that proves I am worthy of....whatever.
To better myself...is one answer....because what else are you doing with your life?...is another. But still...as much as I hate to admit it...I think I am starting to realize that I could probably get 100 master degrees and yet ultimately feel the same way I do now....Empty.
All of my life I have lived inside my mind. When I was a child I had an incredible imagination. Nobody could entertain me the way I could entertain myself. Give me my bedroom and a village of stuffed animals and barbies and I could create an entire world with characters that rivaled anything Stephanie Myers could produce. I preferred that world to the world in which I actually lived...and to some extent...I don't know that I ever really left my mind.
There have been occasions..........people..........who have brought me out of my the safe haven of my mind. They made me want to come out. There was something about them that made me feel like it was safe to come out....to engage in life. When I was around them, I had no need for fantasy or the ever constant humming of my ever pondering mind. The stilled the madness...they quieted the storm...they made me want to live in the here...in the now.
But in one way or another those people left...and like a damsel who finds the world she has so longed to join a little too harsh for her liking...I retreated to the safety and familiarity of my tower.....my mind.
And so here I sit in my tower. The walls are tall and they keep people out quite well. I have plenty of visitors and I often engage them in conversation. I may even venture out from time to time when the invitation is extended to me...but often and most always I find myself quickly retreating once again to my tower.
It's so lonely up here....IN here...but it's all I have known. I know these walls and the sounds the floor makes. I want so desperately to really engage someone and yet I either find I don't know how...or they do not compel me to even try. I honestly don't know what it is about a person that triggers that something inside of me that compels me to want to come down and stay down. Sometimes I fear that I've grown so despondent that nobody will ever be able to get me out of here for more than a couple hours at a time. I feel myself detaching from the world...like a balloon that has come untied from the bunch and is now beginning to drift upwards.
Lest you worry...I'm in no way suicidal. I will remain on this earth until my allotted time is over. But there is a marked difference in being here and being here. I haven't been here for a long while...though I've grown quite good at faking it. I withdrew into my mind many years ago...after he died...but probably before that. I had retreated before that...but he made me want to come out....to stay out. All he had to do was ask and I would have burned that tower to the ground...and went he left...when he died...it felt like whatever was holding me to this earth lost it pull. I don't know where I've been since that day...somewhere inside myself I suppose.
So here I stand...inside of my mind...wanting so desperately to be loved...to be engaged in the world...to be engaged with people...but I just.....can't.....
I feel like I am waiting for someone...but maybe that someone doesn't exist...or maybe that someone is me. Maybe the one who needs to compel me to come down from the tower is me...but I don't know that I ever will if left to my own devices.
So here I stand...a willing prisoner of my own mind...desperate for love...but unable to connect...
I hope any part of that made sense....I think I can sleep now.