Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Date Unto Others the Way You Wish to be Dated

Remember the Golden Rule? No no...not the whole Aladdin thing...."He who has the gold makes the rules".

Thank you gender confused Jafar.

I'm talking about the whole Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

This seems reasonable enough.  If you are a jerk, then expect to be treated as such in return. Pretty simple right?

Well this concept can also be applied to dating....but probably not in the way you are thinking.

Certainly we want to treat the people we are dating with the kindness, love, and consideration that we would hope that they would show us as well.  But I feel this SHOULD go without saying.

What I am referring to has more to do with something I myself have struggled with over the years.  As I have struggled, I have also watched those I cared about struggle too.  As I observed these people (myself included) and then compared them to "ideal" (no such thing but you get my point) or happy couples, I realized a phenomenon taking place among those who seem to be spinning their wheels and never getting anywhere.  Granted I believe that this is common place for MOST single people, but it doesn't HAVE to be so.

Let me splain.

On occasion, when I have met a guy I really liked or rather, who I wanted to get to know and date the crap out of, often I end up feeling like I am having to sell him on the idea of being with me.  The guy for whatever reason seems to be on the fence about me and so I (being in the position of kinda really liking said guy) try in whatever way I can to enhance my date-abilty as it were.

Ask me how many times this has ended with the guy realizing how amazing I really am and then asking me to be his girlfriend.........yeah.

And yet....still we persist. We probably aren't aware of what we are doing while we are doing it, but still we do it.  We "tell" ourselves (albeit subconsciously) that maybe if we just make ourselves more/less available we will suddenly become more appealing.  Or maybe if we just stick around long enough they will change their minds.  Maybe he likes girls with long hair, so I'm gonna go out and buy extensions. Maybe she likes guys with big pecks, so you are going to go out and buy a gym membership.  Maybe they are still getting over their ex so if you just be there for them and hold them while they cry and be that constant (albeit totally platonic) support then maybe just mmmaaaaaaaayyyyyyyybe somehow...someway....SOMEDAY they will look at you and suddenly find that lovin feelin' that has been total vacant from their eyes for as long as they have been gazing in your direction.

Justify how you will (I know I*sigh*)...but I ask that you consider something that I recently realized and hope will aid me in never falling into this kind of fruitless behavior ever again.

*Now close your eyes*.....NO! wait......wait....don't do that. You won't be able to read.....ummmm

*Now metaphorically close your eyes*

I want you to picture the last 5 people you have been really interested in.  What was it about them that drew you in? Was it their looks? Their charm? Their working knowledge of drive shafts? Maybe you have an affinity for Mr. Rodgers and they happen to have It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood as their ring tone. But whatever it was about them, I'm going to go ahead and assume that it wasn't something they had to sell you on. Whatever it was that drew you in was something that seemed innate to them as a specific individual.  Whatever it was, they already had it going on long before you came around, and really, that is what makes them all the more appealing when you did finally meet them.  It's like finding that awesome vintage whatever that will go great with your whatever and you didn't even realize that this was EXACTLY what you have always wanted this whole time! The best thing you never knew you wanted.

See what I'm saying?

The Golden Rule in this situation is that instead of trying to convince or coerce or manipulate or prove to someone that they (despite what they obviously want and are showing through their actions) really DO wanna be with you; why don't you instead date onto others as you would have them date unto yourself your precious time, energy, thought, and so forth....and allow them to go find someone who they dig as is, thereby freeing you up to find someone who will feel that same way about you.

You never...and I repeat NEVER have to feel like you need to or are having to Convince someone all of the reasons why they should want to be with you.  How fruitful an endeavor is it to try and convince a child that they actually enjoy the taste of broccoli?'s like that. ALSO why the crap would you WANT to be with someone who doesn't WANT to be with you? I have asked this question to myself and others before and I now realize (A) It is a stupid question AND (B) It is a trick question.

NOBODY wants to be with someone that doesn't want them. Unless they have emotional problems. It is not the fact that they don't want you that makes you want is as simple as you WANT THEM. The them not wanting you is merely a hindrance in you quest to get someone YOU WANT. So why would you want someone who doesn't want you...because their not wanting you has zero effect on your wanting of them.

If that doesn't make sense look at it this way.

If you were a tasty bag of kettle corn (and assuming kettle corn had thoughts, feelings, and agency) and I wanted to eat you, then your desire for me to not eat you does nothing to make me want to eat you more or less. I want what I want, and what I want is a tasty bag of kettle corn.  Now...if you WANTED me to eat you...then we would have the beginnings of a beautiful relationship, based off of ...and here is the key....MUTUAL WANTING .

Trust me. I've been there SO many times. You tell yourself SO many lies to try and convince yourself that if you only X,Y, or Z then the one that you want will eventually want you back......

We need to stop doing this.

Remember those happy couples I talked about?

I have talked to A LOT of married and nigh unto married couples and you wanna know what the major theme was that ran through ALMOST every one of their stories??? I bet you can guess.

Each one of these couples said (in so few words) that when the met their now companion....IT...JUST...WORKED. No fighting, No convincing, No manipulating, No sells pitches...Just two people who liked what they saw and have never to date lost the desire to look away.

Why chose THIS option.... like L'Oreal says... Because I'm worth it.

And so are you.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Shoots and Relationship Ladders

I was recently having a conversation with a friend of mine (male) and we got onto the topic of relationships (shocking). We are both single and both fascinated by human behavior.  To add dynamic to the story, he and I also briefly dated. We got along swimmingly but we never seemed to crest that romantic hill.  We don't really hang out anymore per say, but whenever we run into each other a good conversation and a good laugh usually follow.

I guess I also need to mention that I have always had a theory about men and women when it comes to the opposite sex.  In my experience, women seem to have no issue being "just friends" with a guy they have no romantic interest in; but a guy on the other hand, will rarely waste any time on women who they are not at least a little romantically interested in. I don't know if this is is merely what I have observed.

So as I was talking to my friend about this very subject, he presented a metaphor that I had never heard before to help illustrate what he believes is going on.

He explained to me that when it comes to relationships, women and men both use ladders.  The difference between men and women is that women have 2 ladders while men only have 1.

For a woman, one ladder is where she places all the men she is romantically interested in.  Some men will be higher up on the ladder than others and there is always the possibility of moving up or down the rungs.  Her other ladder (which is totally separate from the first) is the one reserved for all the men she deems as only friends.  Ah yes....the infamous friend zone or in this case friend ladder.  A man might move up and down this ladder as well, but a man does not jump from one ladder to another.  A friend will be forever on the friend ladder and a romantic interest will either always stay on the romantic ladder...or be shoved off the ladder entirely.

I'm not sure if I entirely agree with this.  Partly because I have spoken with women who swear up and down that their now husbands were once only thought of as friends (putting them on the friend ladder), only to miraculously make a leap to an entirely different ladder (romantic).  The only way I could make this work is if I argued that these women may not have realized that these men were in actuality on the Romantic Ladder the whole time...albeit hanging on by the pinky to the last rung.  Also, it might take a girl a moment to figure out where to place a guy.  I know that in my experience, there have been guys that I wasn't sure if I was interested in, but that I gave the benefit of the doubt to anyways.  USUALLY though, if I was on the fence about a guy...the chances of him getting prime rung space on my romantic ladder was slim.

Keeping all that in mind....

My friend then went on to explain that contrast...only have one ladder (the romantic potential one).  If I understood him right, what he reasoned was that if a guy is spending any kind of time with a girl, then she had to fall somewhere on the hierarchy of his Romantic Ladder.  If she didn't...then he wouldn't spend time with her.  True, he isn't going to shun or flat out ignore a girl who doesn't hold a rung, but he isn't going to go out his way to spend any time with her outside of polite and perfunctory conversation.

In essence, I believe his point is kind of saying what I have always believed.  That being that women will and do spend time with men who they have zero romantic interest in (friendship ladder), but that men will not unless they fall somewhere on their single ladder (romantic potential ladder).

Now where this gets really interesting to me is when I inquired about he and I as an example as means of either validating or invalidating his logic.  I pointed out to him that he had at one point placed me on the Romantic Potential Ladder, but had then decided that he was no longer interested in pursuing the option.  However, he still took time out of his life (on occasion) to interact with

I think he thought that I was trying to trap him in a DTR or get him to admit that he still harbored deep feelings of longing for me OR that I was trying to Jedi Mind Trick him into giving me another shot.

I can honestly say none of these were my objective.  If I could Jedi Mind Trick then I would be using it on much more lucrative endeavors.

But because he believed this to be my intention, he retorted quickly and simply that by virtue of his own theory...I indeed still hold some Real Estate somewhere on his Romantic Potential Ladder.  I wanted to understand how this worked due to the fact that he wasn't interested in dating me anymore ( that I could prove or disprove the theory) but he would not speak any more about the topic.

Silly boys.

In the end...I think that while flawed, this theory still has some credibility when it comes to explaining the logic of men and women.  I think that we all meet people who we have some amount of interest in, and when that happens, often times that person will get placed into a giant emotional romantic version of the classic game of Shoots and Ladders....(for those too young to remember here you go)

Retrieved from:

The game is exactly what it sounds like it would be....that elaborate maze of slides (shoots) and ladders.  And so it is with romantic relationships. One moment you are ascending the ladder with relative ease and stability, and the next you are plunging to your demise on a slide so slick you swear it had been coated with liquid politician. Often times (at least from your perspective) you have no idea why it happened, and more likely than not, you ain't never gonna know. 

So here's to the climbs and here's to the falls....and here's hopin' the next time is the last time we ever have to play this treacherous game. 

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Shiz Women do that Make Men Cra-Cra


Dear Men,

     I'm so sorry to have to burst your bubble, but as much as you might not want to believe it....women be crazy. NOW! When I say "crazy" what I mean is that they don't think like you. I don't know when or where this all got confused, but I'm guessing it might have been the moment that Eve informed Adam that she got swindled by a talking snake. Adam must have looked at Eve and wondered to himself..."What the frog? How could someone possibly be so naive and easily swayed by their emotions? This thing I call woman must be.....what?.....cra.....crayfish? no no.....cra...cra....craZY!! That's it! The woman is CRAZY!"

As so it began.

Here is the thing say that women are crazy simply because they tend to be more emotionally driven then men is about as fair as saying that men are a**holes because they tend to be more logical. Emotional does equal Crazy, the same way Cat does not equal Lion. True, some Cats are Lions, the same way that some Emotions can be a bit extreme and even a little Crazy; but they are not in and of themselves indications of sanity. I don't who decided that to be emotional means you are less sane or intelligent or logical or VALID...but I'm guessing it was a Man.


THAT being said, let us agree to disagree in a way.... Let us agree that the definition of Crazy should not be directly linked to the mode or logic by which a woman operates, but let us also agree that sometimes this way or logic by which a woman operates is so baffling and off-putting to a man, that she might as well be piling mounds of dog doo-doo on her head and asking him if he likes her hat.

Fair enough?

Good, now that we have an understanding I would like to talk about something that we as women do that drive men totally Cra-Cra...(I freaking hate that this whole cra-cra thing has caught on...and we are...*sigh*)

Let's start with a story yes?

There once was a guy who I went on a couple of dates with. I was diggin' him, and from what I could tell he was diggin' me back. We had held hands and cuddled and such, but we had not as yet kissed. I could least from my perspective that it seemed more a matter of when and not if said kiss was going to happen. But I was content to let him go at his own pace and so I wasn't feeling any anxiety about it.

After about 4 dates I asked him if he would like to go out again on a specific day the next week. He told me that he couldn't because he had a church activity to go to. Being the smart ass that I am, I joked with him that if he had another date he didn't have to lie to me about it by saying he had a "church activity" to go to. To this he quickly replied that it most certainly wasn't a date and that he truly did had a church obligation that night.

Oky Doky, no worries....I figured he would suggest another time we could get together......nope. Not only did he not lay claim to me for any night of the upcoming week, but he also fell totally off the contact radar.

*My Mind* Odd....I thought things were going well....we get along great, we have sexual chemistry...we make each other laugh......well, maybe he is just busy....maybe he is waiting for ME to make contact......remember how he said he was "awkward" when it comes to dating? Maybe the poor thing is just shy or intimidated by my awesomeness.....hmmmmmmmmm

I ultimately decided to just let things ride and see what if anything he decided to do. As the week drew to a close and I still had not heard so much as a peep from him I started to really wonder what had happened. So of course I turned to the great and all-knowing power of the universe...Facebook...(No story that begins that way ever ends well).

Turns out....he was indeed at a church activity that just so happened that this particular church activity was a 10 couple group ice skating date night. Yup...there it was in all it's immortalized Facebook glory...a lovely picture of said guy gliding gracefully across the ice hand in hand with a beautiful brunette.....yup.

In our women....we reach moments when we can either act out of pure raw emotion...OR...we can take a step back, take a deep breath....and take a page from the book of Men Logic.

In THIS situation, I could have done what most guys would expect a girl to do...namely call him out on being a liar and then forcing him into some sort of DTR (Define the Relationship) the goal of course being that he will admit that he really is deeply in love with you and that he was just worried that you were the one who was unsure and so in an attempt to protect his fragile heart he was trying to not put all his eggs in your awesome basket.

Yeah...ummm.....I'm thinking that if you play it with this strategy he is going to think you are....say it with me now...CRAZY.


Well, let's try and remove our emotions from the situation for just 2 minutes and look at the facts.


1. You have only been on 4 dates
2. 3 of those 4 dates YOU asked HIM on
3. He has made no attempt to kiss you or in any other way procure or secure you as his girlfriend, steady, best gal, or what have you
4. He lied about the date which means that he felt like he NEEDED to keep that from you...OR he is an ass...either way, this does not bode well for that foundation of trust and mutual respect
5. The fact that he made no attempt to hide the incriminating picture likely means that he to whatever extent wants, or at the least, doesn't care if you see it....also not a great sign of relationship potential

When we look at it like this, we really are left to wonder why we would even feel a need to confront him about it. (A) He is NOT your boyfriend and really....he doesn't OWE you any kind of explanation...period. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true. could CERTAINLY make a case against him on the grounds of common human decency....but I rather see that much like bringing charges against a pig for wallowing in it's own filth....or prosecuting a dog for eating it's own vomit. Is is disgusting? Yes. Should they be doing it? Probably not. But in the grand and great scheme of things, you are ultimately not their judge, jury, nor executioner....therefore....I say let wallowing pigs lie...and lie.  I believe in Karma....I also believe that if you just show some restraint...a tiger will eventually show you just how deep those stripes run.

Here is the 3rd aspect to consider. Let's just assume for the sake of argument that this was all just a big misunderstanding. Let's assume that said guy is still really into you and planning on asking you as soon as life slows down a bit for him. What do you think the odds of him doing so will be if you fly off the handle and jump straight down his throat demanding absolution for his deeds?

I'm going to have to go with Slim to you've got to be out of your Twinkie-Forsaken mind if you think for even one moment that he is going to be "impressed" by your "honesty" and "bravery" in bringing this to his attention. Like I said...let the pigs lie in their filth while you find a nice frog just waitin' to be kissed.

Lest the man have valid reason to label you as Cra-Cra.

Don't be cra-cra ladies.....Don't be cra-cra.

Friday, January 18, 2013

The Whole Story

Over the time that this blog has existed I have made reference on several occasions to the on-again and then off-again relationship I have been in for the last almost 3 years. For those of you who know me well you have been able to witness most of this saga first hand, and for those of you who don't, you have been left to piece together what you could from my postings.

Even though I have tried to be open and honest about myself and this experience, I know that for the sake of the parties involved, and in the name of not airing all of my dirty laundry on the internet, I have not said as much as I could have.

I now feel like I would like to share my story with you. Partly because so many have asked and this is just easier than writing a dozen emails or having to verbally convey it over and over again; but also partially it is a way for me to make a record of it so that I can finally put it behind me.

I am going to do my best to just stick to the facts (as seen from my perspective), and attempt to avoid any emotional rhetoric. If you would like to know how I feel about can probably guess.

*Names and some dates may be changed to protect the parties involved*

Here we go...

Almost 3 years ago I met my ex...let's call him Dex. I had recently had my heart smashed to pieces by a guy that I had fallen hard for....which doesn't really ever happen to me.  He was an singer/songwriter and I thought that we were gonna live happily ever after and make beautiful music babies together.....not the case.  So when I met Dex, let's just say I was still a little wounded and truth be told, probably looking for someone "safe" who I felt wouldn't hurt me the way I had just been hurt.

We met doing a local theatrical production (His first) and I remember thinking.."Oh good, at least there is one semi-attractive straight guy in this show that I can look at."

I will spare you the fine details of how we came to be, and simply say that we eventually started dating. Dex, I could tell was unsure of the whole thing at first, but since I had just come off of a bad heart break, I was in no hurry to jump into anything serious. Truth be told, I think I was still harboring hope that said artist and I would get together again.

I got over that.

A few days after we first met, I came to find out that Dex was 5 years younger than me.  I was taken aback because he looked older...and as I have said before, I look years younger than my age...SO...we both assumed we were the same age as each other.

*Funny/Ironic/Fortuitous Side Note*
Before we started dating I asked Dex if he would ever date an older woman, and if so, what would be his max age. HE informed me that since he had JUST turned 22, he couldn't ever see himself dating anyone older than 25 MAX.

I was 27 at the time. Dex didn't know how old I was until after we had been dating for several weeks. By the time he found out, he assured me that my age didn't matter to him.......

(Always trust your gut ladies....that is all I am going to say)

BACK to the story.

Even though Dex and I were...well ARE very different people in a lot of ways....he is from a tiny town where everyone knows everyone and there are no traffic lights and a Wal-Mart is just a pipe-dream.....and I on the other hand was raised in thriving suburbs and attended a high school with a graduating class as big as the population of his entire town....even though there were some very obvious superficial difference, we also were shocked to realize how immediately comfortable we felt with each other.  We would often say that spending time with one another felt like "coming home".

That being said....our many differences easily outweighed our selective commonalities, and we had plenty of people all too happy to point this out to us. Mostly on his side of the isle. For example....his Father did not care for me and made no bones about letting Dex know about it. According to DEX, this was because he was his Dads favorite son and that he also knew that his Dad didn't so much care for my opinionated "city girl" ways.

I won't go much further into this...but I will say that this one particular aspect of the whole thing was devastating for me to go through for 3 reasons. The first was that I don't really have a relationship with my own father and as such, I have always secretly looked forward to the day when I could marry into a family and by that virtue gain the father figure I have been missing for so long.

The second reason is that I believe that I am a good person. I have a huge heart, and even though I have opinions, I never try and make others feel bad for having theirs. It is one thing to be hated or disliked because you are an ass-hole or mean spirited or a bad person, but it is quite another to be hated or disliked because you are "different" in a way that doesn't suite someone...which leads me to the third reason.

In all our years of dating, Dex never once stood up for me when it came to his Dad. I have plenty of theories as to why this is so...but I'm not going to go there. I will simply say that if ever it came down to a "stand-off" between his dad and myself...I always lost. This broke my heart and shattered my confidence in our relationship. After all...I had done nothing to merit the wrath of the father and in reality, I tried very hard to do the things Dex suggested in order to "win" his dad over. I did this for Dex sake, because THAT is what you do when you love someone, you do everything within your power to make them feel loved and valued ABOVE ALL other people. There is a scripture out there about leaving your parents and clinging to your spouse....but now I'm getting emotional and need to leave this topic behind.

But despite the naysayers and the very vocal objections of his father, Dex and I pushed forward.

There really is so much to this story that I am struggling to paraphrase.....hmmmm....

Over the years that we dated, Dex and I would break up and then get back together so many times that people started to get really annoyed with us. During these times I would date other guys and he would date other girls, but we would always end up back together. The heart wants what the heart wants, and I have learned it is very difficult to be open enough for the possibility of something or someone better when you refuse to let go of something or someone else, even where there are very obvious and sound reasons to so. The reasons we would break up can be summed up as follows:

1. He let the opinion of what OTHERS thought about our relationship get to him and make him question his own feelings. (His words)

2. His lack of financial ...."stability" scared the crap out of me.

3. He felt like I wouldn't follow him without question and allow him to be the leader of our home. (Not gonna touch that one)

4. His being so unsure about ME made me unsure about US. All I wanted was a man who adored me for who I seemed so simple to me, but yet, he never made me feel like he was totally on always felt more like a one foot in, one foot out thing.

And finally and probably the most hurtful....

5.. Yes, I make no bones about the fact that it is not my lifes ambition to be a stay at home mother with 12 kids. I'm not saying I don't want kids (he knew this), but due to the fact that I have a thriving mind and a spirit that hungers to make a real difference in the world. I am less than a year from my Bachelors degree and then I will be off to Grad school, the likely-hood of me having 6 kids isn't so good. And I guess somewhere in that back of my obviously delusional mind I thought that these qualities might be...oh I don't know...ATTRACTIVE....or maybe... a man. And I suppose I also ignorantly assumed that a man was marrying me because he wanted to spend eternity with ME, and not merely based off of how many children I could provide him.

Apparently not.

No....apparently a woman's REAL value lies with how many babies she can pop out, or how well she will service her husbands "needs", or how good she is at following him blindly.


When it came down to it, I was simply too OLD and had too many "frivolous dreams" to fit into his "ideal" of what a woman and a marriage should be.

Ultimately what this boiled down to was a situation where the farmer would and DID enjoy the "milk" but refused to buy the cow based off of the fact that she was too old to produce enough calves.

That's gotta make a girl feel loved for who she is right?.......yeah


I've totally lost track of where we were.......ummmm.....let's just skip to the end.

About 3 months ago Dex and I had ended things for "good" because he just couldn't marry me. So I told him to move on and allow me to do the same.  He started dating a nice young girl and I tried my best to move forward with school and my other pursuits. Then 2 days before Christmas he shows up on my front door and tells me that he has made a terrible mistake and that he is still in love with me and that he can't move forward with this other gal because he is still caught up on me and us. He wants to know if there is anyway I would consider marrying him. Keep in mind, he is not ASKING me to marry him, this is simply a hypothetical question.

He has done this exact same thing to me so many times that at this point, I am so screwed up emotionally and mentally that I don't even know which way is up anymore. the chump that I am...I allow him back into my life.

*Funny side note #2*

Dex has a good friend who doesn't live in this state. When this friend first met me, he hated me, and made no beans about telling Dex. Dex did not stand up for me. Later on, and by his own admission, said friend pulled his head out and actually took 2 seconds to get to know me, whereupon he realized that I am a cool, intelligent, amazing person (his words). Friend and I then become friends and started keeping contact via text and The Facebook after things with Dex had ended. At one point, said friend tells me that even though he loves his Bro...he thinks he is an absolute idiot for not seeing what he had and that I would be better off with a guy who CAN see that.....hmmmmmmm...........

On another occasion, said friend takes a trip out here and we end up spending the whole day together. Said friend doesn't tell Dex about this. So then when Dex comes back into the picture, and notices that said friend has been making many comments on my Facebook, he wants to know what is going on. I tell Dex that I have no idea (because I don't) and that if he really wants to know he should ask his friend. Meanwhile, I decide that I too would like to know what if anything is going on with said friend and so I ask. Said friend then informs me that in another place and another time that maybe things could have been different, but since Dex is his buddy, he wouldn't feel good about pursuing me....even though as far as he aware Dex was out of the picture...because Dex had rejected me....Dex didn't want me....but he also didn't want said friend to have me.

Very mature.

Oh... and I have not heard a word from said friend since.

And so ended whatever possibility there was with said friend.

So back to the end. Dex and I had enjoyed several fun and intimate evenings with each other during the Christmas break. He even told this other gal he had been dating that she was essentially being put on hold until he sorted out his feelings for me. This is what he told me at least. Who knows what he was really telling her.

Ok....time to sum up.

New years eve he bails on me.

He informs me he is still "conflicted".

It is then that he tells me why he doesn't want to marry me. (See above stated issues he has with me) But then tells me all the reasons he does want to marry me.

He then tells me that he needs to pray about it and will let me know what he decides.

2 days later he un-friends me on Facebook. No phone call. No text. Just Un-Friend

Two weeks later...he is engaged. phone call, no heads up, no warning...Just Engaged.

And so ends the roller-coaster saga that was our relationship.

For my part, and for what it is worth, I really and truly do wish them both well. I harbor ZERO resentment or ill feelings towards this lovely girl that he is marrying. I would be lying if I said I didn't worry just a little for her...but that might be a totally unfair statement to be making. I sincerely hope that they have a wonderful life together and that they find in each other everything that they have always wanted in a loving companion.

Now being on the outside, I can honestly say I am grateful that things have worked out the way they did. I'm not to the point where I can say I am grateful for the experience, only that I am grateful that it is finally over. I know that we are suppose to learn a few things about ourselves and about life whenever we go through things like this, and so to end this post I would like to share a few positive things I have learned because of this experience.

1. It may take me a while to get to a place where I fully give my heart to someone, but once I do...come hell or high water, everyone and their dad telling me I am wrong, sickness, health, poverty, or wealth, I will stand by my sweetheart. I am a scrapper, I am a fighter, and I am fiercely loyal...probably to a fault. My husband need never fear me giving up on him or on us. (With few very extreme exceptions)

I believe that love is an action as well as a feeling...but mostly it is a conscious choice one makes and then continues to show that choice through constant and daily action.

2.  I am so much stronger than I ever realized.

3. I don't NEED a man to MAKE me happy. I WANT a man to ADD to my already existing happiness. I want a playmate, a partner in crime, a traveling companion. I don't want someone who fits into some socially constructed ideal, nor do I want to be shoved into one myself. I want to form a new mold with someone. For a long time I have felt like it has been me against the world, I would love to have it be instead Us creating our own world. No paint by numbers.

4. We may have preconceived notions of what, when, how, where, and with who the "perfect" life entails, but if we are unwilling to step outside of those paradigms, we risk missing out on something a thousand times more amazing than anything we could have imagined. But if we don't have the ability to this...then we will only ever be able to be happy with the strict and narrow corner we have painted ourselves into. 

5. A relationship is between 2 people. Not two people and the world or two people and their parents or friends. I know this sounds like a total contradiction given the fact that I am making all of this very public, but that is part of my point. In the future, and I apologize if this hurts my viewership, I have made a decision to keep the more intimate details of my romantic relationships private. This is assuming I ever had another romantic relationship. The occasional funny story here or there perhaps, but I have come to realize the value of keeping things within the safety and trust of your own relationship. This refers not only to me or my blog, this also refers to airing dirty laundry to anyone who will listen in order to try and gain an outsider perspective. Certainly we need a trusted confidant to whom we can gain these insights, and true I have in the past used all of you as that bad....I can see now how that might not jive well when one is trying to cultivate a relationship of trust and confidence. My partner and I will be a team.   No threesomes...or three(hundred)somes for that matter.   

6. My capacity to love and to forgive is deeper than I ever could have imagined. This brings me so much joy I can hardly explain it...but it also makes me sad. It makes me sad because I want so much to be able to find a companion who I can impart this love upon, and I fear that I never will, and that makes me very sad, not so much for myself, but because I know the love I have to offer someone else.

All I can do is pray that someday I will find that person....and if I never do...I will continue to show that love however I can.

I can't say it any better than this....


By John Bucchino

Sometimes I think my heart will burst
Like a balloon inside my chest
With all the love that's waiting here,

Fingers that ache to intertwine
Warmest of chords, but missing tune
Where is the laugh to echo mine
Send it soon

The words my lips would form,
The circle these two arms would make safe and warm
Someone could be safe and warm

Maybe the love we yearn to give,
Can find a release some other way,
Coloring how we choose to live every day
The kindness we can share

(musical interlude)

The kindness we can share
The comfort these two arms might lend in despair
Someone's always in despair

Still I'm,
Longing to meet that pair of eyes
Dark as the night or endless blue
Holding a light I'll recognize
Something clear, something true

Something that seems to mean,
Something I haven't seen since,

Friday, January 11, 2013

The Bro Code

Retrieved from:

Not being a dude, I don't often write on the practices of dudes.  I have plenty of theories on why men do the things that they do, and sometimes I am dead on...but then sometimes I am dead wrong.

Keeping that in mind, I would like to discuss the phenomenon occurring between men that we have taken to calling, The Bro Code. For those of you who are not familiar with this term, The Bro Code is basically the unwritten and often unspoken terms and conditions of proper conduct between male friends. I emphasize the word friends because this is where you will most often see some form of The Bro Code playing out.  That is not to say that there aren't common decency practices among men in general, but it would appear from my observations that if a guy isn't an actual friend of another guy, then he has much less reservation about stepping on his toes......for example.....when it comes to the battlefield we call DATING.

I have always lived my dating life under the assumption that All was Fair in Love and War.  By this, I simply mean that we are ALL looking for that one person who we are going to spend the rest of of our lives with, and if it just so happens that this person happened to date your friend, cousin, or colleague before you...well...that's just how it goes.

I realize that it is a great big world out there, but for the most part, we tend to live and by default date within a relatively small community.  This community gets even smaller when you are attempting to date within a particular minority or sub-culture.

Side Note: You can always tell what courses I am currently taking by the terminology I pepper my posts with. Guess which class I'm in now.....

Living in Utah does indeed provide Mormons with many more options than it would in oh say...Japan...or Alabama, but that doesn't change the fact that Mormons as a sub-culture are still a minority when you compare them to the population at large.  If I want to marry a stalwart LDS man, then I am limiting myself to a relatively small pool of men. When you factor in that the average age for an LDS person to get married is somewhere in their early to mid twenties...and then you consider the fact that I am almost can see how my pool of men is starting to look more like a puddle.

That being said, I believe that there are still good and decent guys out there.

The problem is...or problem I have encountered is that because we are all kind of running in the same circles....and then we are all trying to date one another....eventually...and often it would appear...we find ourselves in situations where a guy would "like" to date you...but due to the cryptic laws of The Bro Code he will not.

Before I give my opinion on this...I would first like to state that I believe in honer and loyalty.  I admire people who put friendships that have been cultivated over years and through trials, over selfish pursuits.  We NEED true friends in our lives that we know we trust to have our best interest at heart.

THAT being a friend this should be a 2 Way Street. And often times...I believe that guys will use The Bro Code much in the same way you can observe a child who has played with a toy...become bored with it...tossed it aside...walked away to a new toy...and then gets pissed on "principle" because his buddy has dared to play with the toy he so WILLINGLY, VOLUNTARILY, and CONSCIOUSLY walked away from.

Did you catch the difference there?

It is one thing to swoop in on the girl that broke your best friends heart when SHE ended their lengthy and invested relationship, and quite another when your BRO is the one who failed to realize how amazing this girl was and subsequently chose to end the relationship. In the first scenario I can easily see how this girl might get placed on the perma-do-not-date list....though I also believe that if your buddy were to move on and find HIS soul mate, it would be pretty bastardly of him to begrudge you the option....After all...why should he care at THAT point? I can see how it might make get togethers a little awkward AT FIRST...but for heaven sake....he FOUND his companion, so whatever gaping hole that girl left should be filled now with the blissful joy of finding his true love.

Now...even though I still see grounds for argument in this first scenario...the second example is a totally different story.

If your BRO was the one to end the relationship, this is tantamount to him saying..."PASS"....

If this is the case, then I see absolutely no logical reason why he could take any personal offense OR legitimately object to his friend pursuing this same girl that HE rejected. One of the great joys about friendship is that you do things for each other that you know will make one another happy. I don't remember reading anywhere in Friendship 101 that being a good friend means denying them the opportunity to capitalize on a venture that YOU made the choice to pass on.

Let me give you a silly example to illustrate.....If I were at the mall with my girlfriend and we were trying on shoes and I tried on a pair of shoes that pinched my would be pretty messed up and UN-friend like for me to deny my girlfriend the option of trying on said shoes simply because I happened to try them on first.

Are you kidding me? How asinine would I be to do that? It is literally as if I am saying..."I don't want them...but you can't have them." Again...this seems less like the behavior of friends and more like the behavior of 2 year olds.

Also...let us not forget the other part of the equation. The WOMAN. Unless of course we are going back to the days where women had as much a say in their marriage options as the family dog.

I have heard of guys laying "dibs" on a girl they are interested in. In essence, this means that he is laying claim to a girl that he isn't even dating.  For example, two male buddies might be attending a singles ward and a new girl walks in. Both guys might be interested in the girl, but then one guy will call dibs thereby prohibiting his buddy from pursuing his interest in her. From the outside you could say that his buddy is being a "good friend" by stepping aside and letting his pal have at her....but then when you look at the situation without your head up realize how ridiculous this is...WHY?....because it TOTALLY discounts the feelings, wishes, preferences, and so forth of THE WOMAN.

Maybe she likes gingers and you happen to BE a ginger but your friend is a brunette. Maybe both you and her share a secret obsession for Kettle Corn and he never eats the stuff. Maybe she has been secretly hopin' and wishin' and prayin' that YOU will come up and ask her out, but instead your buddy is the one who approaches. She may give him the benefit of the doubt and accept his invitation for a date...after all....can you really expect her to say NO based solely on the HOPE that you MIGHT maybe SOMEDAY ask her out? Get real...  

Nothing is more unattractive and unappealing to a girl than a guy who ...well...isn't a guy.  We have been raised to see you men as creatures who know exactly what you want and don't allow anything to stand in your way of getting it. THIS is why we LOVE you! THIS is what makes us want to follow you to the ends of the earth and back. We as women tend to be a little...let's sat hesitant when it comes to certain aspects of life, and ergo we LOVE when a guy is CONFIDENT.  We LOVE when the guys WE like are willing to FIGHT for us. It is SUCH a TURN ON! I don't know how much more clear I can be about it. We Want to be Wanted by the men WE want.

As women, we need and must do all we can to make our interest known for many obvious reasons. But if a girl is doing all she can to let you know that it is YOU she wants and not your buddy...then I would beseech you as men to abandon The Bro Code and instead act like a true friend, one who wants the BEST for their friend...IN SPITE of their own selfish pride.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Seeking Peter Pan...With a Beard

They say that age is just a number.

THEY.....are right....and wrong.

I am a walking contradiction.  From the time I was very young I have been told I have an "old soul".  I have been spouting profound whatevers since the time I could talk...apparently.  I have always felt more comfortable with people older than me. That is to say, I always enjoyed the conversations I could have with them more.  For some reason, I have been an adult in my mind since before I can remember. Ironically however, my body decided that it never wanted to grow up.

I believe that we are what we think we are. I also believe that we can believe that we are what society tells us we are. In this way, we are an ever evolving combination of self-fulfilling prophecy and socially constructed institutionalization.

With that in mind....I think of myself as a child still and therefore act like a child in many ways because in my mind, I have not as of yet reached a point in my life where I have had need to do or believe otherwise. To add a atom bomb to this fire, I have been blessed with a unique genetic heritage that has caused me to remain physically frozen at around age 21.....sometimes people still ask me where I go to high school.

Poor me right?

Well yes...and let me give you one example of why.

If you are a normal functional and stable human being, you tend to be attracted to people who are around your same age. 8 year olds get crushes on other 8 year olds and people in their 30's tend to date other people in their thirties. When I was 16 I thought George Clooney looked like an old man....and I still do.  Though my appreciation for a more rugged looking man has increased tremendously. However...whereas before I would have only been attracted to the pretty-boy baby faced boys...I am now attracted to the pretty-boy baby faced men....who can also grow facial hair.

SO! Here is the problem.

When I go out or to a singles ward or to school and I am getting hit on by guys who are on average at least 3 to 5 years younger than me. Why? Because I look to them like I am probably 2 to 3 years younger than they are. My Ex is 5 years younger than I am. When I met him I was 27 and he was 2 days away from his 22 birthday.

For some guys, knowing how old I am is a turn off.....but this has not been the norm. Most young guys (shockingly to me) don't seem deterred by the fact that I am older.  They still want to date me...and I often times will accept their invitations. I have found that my physical/sexual mind has not as of yet caught up to my emotional/intellectual mind.

Now let's be clear....I'm not driving by the local high school or junior high and picking out my future husband.  I am not and I repeat NOT sexually attracted to little boys, teenaged boys, or any title really that you end with boy.

I like men.

 But I do tend to date younger looking men, maybe because I myself look very young and genetically speaking I am looking for someone who matches my own reflection of youth so that we can breed super babies who turn 21 and then cease to age.

I don't know why I feel ashamed about this... I mean...nobody bats an eye when a girl marries a man who is literally old enough to be her father...or even grandfather. But for some reason, if an older woman wants to date a younger man then she is seen as a sort of emotionally unstable individual with obvious "daddy issues" who would be better served to get into some counseling and then go find a man her own age.

Here's the thing though....I have dated men my age....I have also dated men who were 10 years older than me....AND I have also dated men who were up to 6 years younger.  I can honestly say that there are pros and cons to each of these scenarios.

What I love about younger guys, for example:

Their Humilty
Willingness to be flexible
Zeal for life
Sweet and UN-cynical attitudes
And absolute adoration

Seems to get a little lost the older they get.

Older guys have been there done that and probably ran a marathon while they were there.  Older guys...and older women as well...tend to be a bit more set in their ways and less willing to compromise when it comes to relationships.  They have been living their life, their way for so long that it is hard for them to even want to mess up the flow of the everyday in's and out's. Also...and I know I'm gonna get slaughtered for saying this....but IN MY OWN BIAS seems as if that the older guys get (and probably women too) the more bitter and jaded they become about the opposite sex and finding a companion.

This may not be true in other parts of the country or world where people wait till they are a little "older" to get married. But I do believe that this is exactly what happens when "past your prime" occurs at the tender age of 25.


I want to be so stupid giddy about the guy that I end up with that it makes me smile just to think about him. And I want him to feel the same way. I don't want him to feel like he made a "logical" choice in marrying me, the same way he made a logical choice in buying that used Honda. I acknowledge that one must not live on hormones and butterflies alone, but that has got to be at least a part of what is driving you to be with one another.

Also, I am not saying that two "older" people can't have this kind of experience. What I am saying is that if you are bitter and jaded as hell about love, romance, relationships, and yes...even fairytale endings...then it is going to be pretty durn difficult to conjure up the kind of earth-shattering emotions that I believe are requisite for at the initial stages of courtship.

If you are unimpressed by life in general....*been there*......if you are cynical about love....*dated that*...then how the hell can you ever expect to find someone who is going to move you to the point of wanting to write epic love rock operas?

 Life without reason is chaos, but life without passion is dry toast.

I may act a bit strange for someone my age...some might even say it's unseemly for a woman of my age to do a lot of the things I do...including dating younger guys. But all I can say to that is this...while age is just a can also be a pigeon hole that we force ourselves into. 

So what does it mean to be 20? or 30? or 80? ....what do these ages look like? What do they sound like? Are we merely parroting the archetypes of those who have come before us? What if my 30 is your 20 in some ways, and my 20 will be your 80 in others?

If I were to write a personals add for the guy I am looking for it would probably go something like this....

80 something in the mind and 20 something in the flesh unconventional star gazer seeks an old soul of the like to enjoy deep probing conversations and fart jokes.  Seeking a traveling companion for whom the world is not a frightening place, but just many great adventures that are yet to be had.  Musical abilities will be given special consideration. Must love dogs.

Be ye 20 or 30 or 173, age is what you say it is, and the perfect companion is someone who your soul recognizes first and then in whom your mind and body feels compelled to follow.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Hot Vs. Cold: The Debate is Settled

Admittedly....I was not made for cold weather.  I don't have a ton of "insulation" (though I have certainly added some courtesy of the holidays). But even when I had more substance to me, I never could bring myself to do anything but weep openly when that first cold front moved on through.

Now I know that there are those of you out there that LOVE the cold. Quite often, I find myself getting into debates with you pro-freeze enthusiast about the benefits of the cold weather.

I find your arguments weak.

And now...without your permission...I will explain exactly why Heat beats Cold in almost EVERY aspect of life.

Why the Cold Sucks the Big One
-By the A.W.V- 

Example #1:

To date, I have never had to wake up early only to do a frantic dash out to my vehicle in order to dig it out from a pile of snow covering a sheet of ice only to dart back into the safety of my WARM home so that I can thaw enough to brave the elements yet again.... because the temp was "too hot". I have also never needed to wake up at the said same hour in order to start my car in order to "cool it off" enough that it would (A) Run and (B) Be tolerable enough to drive in during a mild summer morning.

How many times have I suffered through this practice in the Cold season.....too many.

Example #2:

I don't know anyone who vacations to Cold destinations for the express purpose of being in the cold. I do however know plenty of people who purposely travel to Hot locations for the express purpose of being in the Warm Temps.

"Alright Sweety! You all set for our romantic honeymoon to the Czech Republic??"

Hope you packed your fur lined panties.

Example #3:

Male "Shrinkage" has never been attributed to a warm pool or a hot summer night.

Example #4:

People don't buy ColdTubs .....people don't make ColdTubs...Athletes take ice baths....but something tells me it isn't so much for the sheer pleasure of it. Something tells me that an ice bath experience probably looks more like ......

 Retrieved from:

Gee golly! Sign me up for that icy action!

Example #5

Hot Momma vs. Frigid Ice Queen .....nough said

Example #6

If the AC goes out on your car on a Hot summer day, it isn't likely that you are going to face the potentially life-threatening situation of your windows freezing over to the point where you can't see out them while driving on black ice in white out conditions. If the Heater goes out on a Cold winter night....well....

Example #7

Winter Nights was NOT to iconic title that essentially sky-rocketed John Travolta and Olivia Newton John to imomortal teen singing sensations!

That would be Summer case you didn't know.....and now I had to explain my implied joke...which makes it not funny anymore....stupid Cold weather ruins everything.

Example #8

People don't often (if ever) send their meal/soup/coffee/hot coco/hot towel back for being too hot. Unless they are eating Gazpacho....which is gross...which begs the question of why you are even eating it in the first place...Eat a hot soup like a normal God fearing individual!

Example #9

I asked my Ex to build me at least 100 toasty fires while were dating. I never ONCE asked him to build me a chilly pile of snow in order to "set the mood".

Example #10

Doctors don't attempt to chill their probing instruments just before they go a probin'.

Example #11

A warm wet dog nose has never jarred me from my sleep in such dramatic fashion that I believed...albeit it only for a moment....that I had been stabbed with a carving knife on the exposed flesh of my lower back.       

Example #12

The expression is...The ICY grip of death.

Example #13

The envasion of your companions freezing cold feet jumping into your well constructed and long cultivated cocoon of warmth is the 2nd leading cause of divorce in our to religious difference....that's not me talking...that's SCIENCE!

Example #14


AND FINALLY...and most truly...if there were NO other reason to hate the cold, THIS last example would still be plenty.

Example #15 

There is nothing more offensive...more insidious...more terrible and alarming and the absolute insult of sitting on a COLD toilet seat when you are sick....and even when you are healthy as well....but PARTICULARLY when you are sick.

I think they actually used that exact scenario as a torture method until it was outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

I rest my case. The cold can burn in hell where it belongs.  

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Weak Things...Strong Things...All Things

Life is hard.

No really?

But life is also beautiful.

But also really REALLY hard.

So what do we do in the hard times? Well....that depends.

Some of us turn to distractions like TV, Food, Exercise, or what have you. Some of us turn inwards and retreat into the solitude of our own company until the storm passes. Some of us detach from the reality and pretend as if nothing is wrong. We continue on with our days and our lives without ever missing a beat.  Some of us are very introspective, and we when life gets hard we put our emotional minds to work in an attempt to figure out how this happened and how to best overcome it.

And some of us blog.

I've realized over this past year that this blog, and you the reader have become my soft place to land.  I know that in the name of propriety, I probably shouldn't be as candid as I am about my feelings and my struggles at times. I recognize that from a social standpoint, what I am doing is tantamount to dating suicide.  After all...what guy is going to want to date someone who airs all her mental ills in such a public fashion? Also, I suppose the possibility of being immortalized in blog form probably doesn't whip them into a dating frenzy either.

I know it is does little good to try and convince people of things they are not keen to change their minds about. But I suppose that I feel as though I would still like to try...

I would like to start by saying that I use to believe that I was the only "broken" one in this world, in my family, in my culture, and so forth. I have since come to realize that this is not true....not even a little. When I believed that I was the only "broken" one, I was afraid of sharing my true feelings because I feared that the world would see just how broken I was and I would be immediately set adrift of a slab of ice and pushed out into the dark waters of isolation.

Like I said though...I've come to realize that if I am indeed broken...then so are we all....some are just in more denial than others.

I feel it appropriate at this moment to make a point. When I say that we are all "broken" what I am NOT saying is that the world and all the inhabitants therein are merely a giant black hole of pain and dysfunction and that we would all be better off to just drink the Kool-Aide and end all of this needless suffering. FAR from it. I know people who believe that this is indeed the case, and to those people I would say that I feel like the issue here is that your expectation of the human race and how life is "suppose" to be might be a little skewed.

Is life hard at times? Certainly. Can people do horrible things? Too often it would seem. Will there always be an example you can point to about how truly awful and difficult and depressing and hopeless this life is? Yup.

But guess what? Just as with anything we observe in this world, there is always the opposite of whatever you believe to be the only way of seeing it. There are just as many examples of people doing good and wonderful and uplifting things. There is SO much beauty to go along with SO much pain.

Last night I was walking through a dark and freezing parking lot as I made my way to my car after a long day of rehearsal. I am not going to lie, the events of the past few days have taken their toll on me and all I wanted to do was get home, take a hot bath, curl up in my bed and become totally unconscious to this life and this reality. It has been unusually cold here as of late, and if you know me at all, you know that there is little else I hate more in the world than being cold. But as I cursed the weather, and the late hour, and the anticipation of the freezing drive home (my heater is a joke), I looked up to noticed that my car appeared to be literally covered in thousands of tiny diamonds. The cold air and a bit of moister had formed these brilliant little ice crystals that blanketed the top of my car. The sight of it took my breath away, and for one brief moment....I forgot myself.

God had reminded me that there was still beauty left in this world....If only I could have eyes to see it.

Often times, I feel like we let ourselves believe things that are not true. But by believing them, we make them a reality. Does that make sense?

We may believe that we are the only broken one in this world and as such we also believe that it is not OK to show the world how truly broken we are. Because of this we very often will pretend as though there is nothing broken about us... ever, and to go along with also frightens us when we see the broken in other people. It scares us because to see their broken parts is to have to acknowledge the existence of all the things that we are trying to deny about ourselves.

But in reality...we are all fragile and imperfect beings...and more than this...that we Need one another to navigate this messy existence. But what we don't need is for everyone to walk around with their fingers in their ears and their hands over their eyes pretending as though nothing is wrong.

We don't need naive and blissful ignorance, we need accepting and compassionate acknowledgement.     

We need these things because when we dismiss someone's feelings or tell them to not share because it isn't "proper" or "attractive" then we are not only deepening the wound they already have been dealt, but we are also cutting off our own legs in the process.

So what are we to do then? How are we to deal with all of the garbage and suffering we encounter?

My humble opinion is simply this....

We do not run from it.

We do not pretend like it isn't there.

We do not waste precious time talking about how it should be.

What we DO is totally and utterly acknowledge the hurt. We allow people to have their feelings in the moment they are feeling them. We take them into our arms and hold them while they weep. We tell them that it is OK to feel like the world is falling to pieces around them, because at THIS moment, it is. We don't try and logic them out of their feelings...we allow them their feelings. We do not make them feel guilty for not "getting over it" as quickly as WE would like them to. We  ALLOW them their feelings.

But in order to this, we must ourselves be brave. We must be brave because we know that allowing them to feel their pain is forcing us to acknowledge everything that IS dark and depressing and hopeless about this life. But as the scriptures say, God has not given us the spirit of Fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. And when we allow someone to have their feelings, we not only give them permission to lean on us in a moment of weakness, but in doing so, we also strengthen our own legs by which we are able to allow them to lean upon us.

It is true that I may be a bit too open about my life and my feelings and my struggles.  I can see how people might look at me and say that I think too much and too deeply about things. All I can say is that this is who I am, and to pretend otherwise would be lying to myself and a contradiction to my true nature.

Anyone who really knows me....or ANY person in this world for that matter, realizes that we are complex and multifaceted creatures. At times one way, and at others another. I am a jester as well as a bleeding heart. I can be as cruel as I can be compassionate and as loving as I can be cold. Within me....within us all....lies the capacity for ALL things. We are none of us stuck....we are none of us all one way or another. True we are all broken....but we are also entirely whole....

But one thing we must never be is ashamed.

We must never be ashamed of our weaknesses and we must never be ashamed of our strengths.

As with many things in life, whenever I am seeking the final word or ultimate truth, I will often turn to the scriptures to see if God has given us any direction on the matter. I believe that I have found what I believe to be validation for the things I have said today.

 27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their aweakness. I bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my cgrace is sufficient for all men that dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make eweak things become strong unto them.
 -Ether 12:27-

And to this I would add....that we in turn must not be afraid to show unto God or men our weaknesses as well. So that by God, but through one another, we can make weak things become strong.

Thank you for allowing me to show you my weaknesses. Thank you for helping me to become strong.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

The Only Way I Know How to Say Goodbye

Almost 3 years.

3 years that felt to me like a lifetime. And maybe that is exactly what it was. One lifetime that I was able to spend with someone.

Part of me wishes I could turn back the clock and make a different choice. I wish I never would have met him. I wish I would have never gone out of my way to say hello. I wish I would have just left well enough alone.

But I didn't.

And then a year passed...and then 2....and people never seemed to tire of telling us how perfectly wrong we were for each other. In a way, I can see how this made us only want to fight more to make it work. But we were different...we ARE different. So very different....and yet I have never met someone so similar before. I find it hard to believe that I ever will again. But then again, maybe that isn't entirely a bad thing...

3 years.

3 years of laughter and love and trips and late nights and sick days and about a hundred fires and about a thousand tears.

I will never understand how you can claim to love someone so entirely and then simply be able to walk away.

I can't. And frankly I don't want to be able to. I love that I am a lover through and through. When I love, it is for life.

But I understand that loving doesn't always mean staying, and I understand that in this case, staying may not have been the best option for either of us.

But after 3 years of so much have it all end with something as sterile as a phone call seems so wrong to me. Though in truth...what more could have been said? What more could have been done? We danced our dance around each other for so many years without ever really connecting. I was either 2 steps ahead or you were just to my side...just out of reach.

The things you said...the reasons you gave...for why it had to be this were wrong. I wish you didn't have to face the day when you realize how wrong you were...but I can't spare you that fate....and it doesn't really matter now anyway.

After giving so much....I honestly wonder if I will be able to give like that again. But I have to be able to hope...if not...I am lost.

And so 3 years of words and feelings we swore we would never share with anyone else...3 years of being us against the world...3 years of being my best friend....and's we never met at this was all a dream.

You will take your place as nothing more but a sweet memory in my mind. You will no longer exist outside of my thoughts and memories. Time will erode your face and blur the once vivid colors we shared......I'll forget....

This is the blessing and the curse of the human condition.

There was a time I would have followed you anywhere and beyond.....but now I must find a way to forget that life. another time...we are together. We had children and a life and we grew old together like we always said we would. We shared birthdays and Christmases, weddings of our children and the deaths of those we loved. And when our lives reached their end, we were waiting for each other on the other side with open arms...

We are together in that time...and in that place....

But right here and right heart is broken...

Thank you for the lifetime we spent together.

Ground squirrel ....signing off...