Monday, April 29, 2013

A Reply to Christian

What follows is a reply I wrote to the following thoughtful and insightful comment that was left on my page. I would have replied in the comment section...but I got a little wordy and it exceeded the character limit. =)

I will post his comments first so you can get the context and then I will post my reply. I have bold-ed-did the parts I really like. Thanks to everyone for reading and for sharing your comments with me. I LOVE them!! Keep them coming!!!

 

I’ll state that I realize that most of your comments are rhetorical in nature and don’t solicit comment.

I recently was introduced to your blog by my sister. She’s another 30 year young Mormon virgin who probably empathizes with a good many of your experiences and horrors in dating. Like you, she is an attractive, socially capable, strong-willed, surprisingly sane, but still unmarried woman living in Utah.

I am a 32 years young widower, attractive, socially adept, financially stable, laid back, single guy in Utah. I agree with many of your observations about the dating game, how ridiculous it’s become, and its modern day nuances, however, I disagree with many of the generalizations that you make about women.

After 9 years of a marriage my wife was taken from me. She was beautiful, sexy, intelligent, a great companion, and a great many other things. Not to speak ill of her, but just like all women she had her crazy too. It had its legitimate reasons and at times was almost too much… A good thing that we loved each other or it wouldn’t have survived. Let’s just say that I understand the full spectrum of what crazy can mean. It’s been several years now.

Here I’ll make some generalizations of my own. I’ve observed that the vast majority of attractive, single, LDS/or not, women past their mid-twenties in Utah are more volatile than you give them credit.

Whether it be single wards, dating sites, clubs, yoga class, you name it, the number of acceptably sane single women that I’ve come into contact with has been depressingly low. One in a hundred if that. The 80/20 that you mention has been more like 50/50 and I’m being generous. You, like my sister, must be one of the few diamonds in the rough.

I have yet to meet a woman older than 24 here in Utah that isn’t divorced with kids, had abusive past relationships, or carries other emotional baggage that makes things unhealthy from the get go. It’s expected for people to have some scarring and issues, but I’d like to encounter just a couple women that can approach dating in a healthy fashion, let alone a relationship.

You asked about guys requesting nude photos, crude pickup lines, etc, and I agree that it is distasteful. I am much more old fashioned and more of a gentleman, but it’s the single, muscle-bound, women-are-trophies, jerk that often uses the above mentioned tactics and gets the girl. The nice guy doesn’t stand out; just another face in the crowd. It’s all mind games and for a guy that doesn’t feel the desire to manipulate women into dating him, there are few promising prospects. The good looking ladies, sane or not, aren’t out there looking for that knight in shining armor. That’s why these women are still single or single again, and again.

I could dedicate an entire blog to these topics and still not cover or capture the full picture of what I mean by all this. I’m sure universities have decades long research projects dedicated to how socially dysfunctional our society is these days and how it’s a miracle that our species continues to survive.

Keep writing since you are good at it, I just felt like expressing that you view women in general with a too forgiving and in some ways unrealistic perspective. If you are as you say you are, like my sister, you are definitely the needles in the haystack and some of your comments are flawed in based on that.

signed - "another face in the crowd"

Thank you so much for you comments. As fate would have it, I was about to make a request of all of my male readers in an effort to understand the big hang-ups they have with the women folk. Understandably, I am a woman, and so it is much easier for me to see what I observe in the male population, since that is the gender I am dating.

I am under no delusions that the females are all peaches and cream and the men all losers....not by a long shot. I have written several posts dedicated to trying to educate women on how to better treat men and not hate them for being what they are.

The problem here, in part, is that for some reason we are trying to make men and women "equal". I'm all for equality, but I fail to see the logic in the way people are going about it. By equal they are trying to make men and women the same. In this way, men are expecting women to act more like men and women are doing the same to men. Sometimes when I hear a woman describing her perfect man, she sounds like she is describing another woman who happens to have a penis (pardon my frankness). If I am being totally honest, I might even say that women expect more from men in this way than men do in women. This is causing no end of issues and resentment between the genders.

If a woman wants to have a career that is one thing, is she chooses to never be a mother, I say more power to her, but if a guy expects that a woman is never going to get emotional or act out of a place that seems irrational to him, then he doesn't really want a woman, he wants another man who happens to have a V. (sorry again).

Likewise, if a man wants to stay at home or become a flight attendant or grow flowers for the rest of his life, or happens to enjoy poetry and sensitive conversation, getting pedicures, and manscaping, that is great and I totally support him in this fashion. But if a woman expects that his entire lifes ambition is going to be listening to her gossip about the neighbors or whine about her mother-in-law, then again I say that what she wants isn't a man.

We are different, different and therefore perfectly suited for one another. I really wish that then genders could A. Embrace who they are B. Be OK with that C. Allow the other gender to BE who they are D. And then celebrate the difference that while separate can make us weak, but together make us stronger than the sum of our parts.

Men and women are different. Man are not meant to be women and woman aren't meant to be men.

Honestly, when I look at this situation of these mid-singles who aren't any closer to getting married now as the were 20 years ago (in general and take it for what it's worth) do you know what I see? Plain and simple I see an abundance of selfishness and a total lack of charity. Men and women BOTH look at the opposite gender like they are a car on the lot. Their logic seems to follow as such:

"Gee, I really like the sunroof, leather seats, XM Radio, Bluetooth hookups, and navigation...buuuuutttttt....I'm really not in love with the fact that I have to put gas in it every so often. That is really inconvenient to ME and I really can't be bothered to be bothered."

BOTH genders do this. BOTH. We are all a bunch of spoiled little kids who grew up with such an intense feeling of entitlement that we believe we don't deserve anything less than everything we want. Pile on top of that the fact that we live in Utah where you can be replaced by a younger model of whoever you happen to be dating like "that", and now you have just made the problem worse. I am not immune to this, in fact, it is the very fact that I can see it in myself that it is easier to see it in others.

Are there still good people of there? Of course. Are there women AND men out there that are so bitter, jaded, cynical, perverted, selfish, entitled, or whatever that they are freaking out the rest of us who are actually looking for a real and genuine relationship....absolutely...but I have got to believe that there are still men and women of quality and substance. But more than likely, as you pointed out, you probably aren't going to find them in the places that most of the pool is hanging out. Why? Because they understand the quality of people they will find in those places and have no interest.

So where does that leave us? Where can we find good and decent people who believe in the sanctity of not only marriage, but of physical intimacy and celebrating the gender differences? What makes me sad is that a person would even have to ask such a question of a group of people who claim to hold themselves to a higher standard. No judgements....it just makes me sad.

As a side note, I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your wife. I can't imagine what that must have been like to loose her. For what it is worth, I still believe that there are good women out there, it sounds like your sister is one of them. I would love to believe that I could be counted in that group as well, but I suppose that is a matter of opinion.

God help us all while we muddle through this crazy, messy, beautiful life. =)

P.S. I LOVES your name! Just sayin

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Show me yours...and I'll Show You Mine

What follows is a true story:

A few weeks back I attended an event On A Date. I don't exaggerate the date part because I'm proud to be out there and dating again, but rather to set the scene for the madness that will follow.

While at this event my date recognized a guy he knew from somewhere and they got to chattin' for a moment. While they were chatting a different guy who was, I assume, part of the same group, approached my date and asked him about what he did for work. My date was wearing a hat with his company's logo on it and apparently this guy was a big fan of the company. My date entertained his questions and then returned to his original conversation. This new guy now turned his attention to me and we exchanged a couple minutes of polite conversation, including our names and what we did for a living and so forth and so on. Then we parted and I returned my attention to my date who had just finished his conversation.

End of the story?.....Not even close.

Several days later, said guy who had chatted my date and I up found me on Facebook and friend requested me. I am all about networking so I will pretty much add anyone. Often times people will come see a show I am in and will request me and I feel like it is good Karma to add them as well. If I have learned one thing about life it is that WHO you know often matters a great deal more than WHAT you know. This has gotten me into trouble in the past when it comes to dating...but that is another story for another day. Long story short...I am a Connector. And so I accepted his friend request.

Nothing really note worthy happened immediately...there would be a couple of times that he was online that he would IM me and ask how life was going and then immediately ask for my phone number. Not wanting to be rude, but not wanting to have him misunderstand my intentions, I never replied and I never gave him my number.

And then a few days ago he pops up again on IM and says that he really wants to chat with me, but that he had to get off the computer and again asked me if I would give him my number. Thinking that he meant he had something specific and hopefully job related to talk to me about (I had mentioned I was looking for employment), I went ahead and gave him my number.

Here is where it gets Cra-Cra

What follows are the actual texts starting with the first one he sent:

Him: What's shaking troublemaker? ;)

Me: Not much...just baking cookies. And yourself?

Him: You really shouldn't have.

Me: I know, I'm awesome

Him:  You haven't been sharing your awesomeness with me lately. Stingy :/

Me: (No reply because what do you say to that?)

Him:  You should send me several pictures of you and I'll reciprocate

My Mind: Well that escalated quickly

There is of course more to this conversation...And just in case you think I threw an innocent guy under the bus for asking for a family portrait, let me assure you that he made it clear the kind of pictures he wanted. Though to be fair, he did say we could "warm up" to it.

I would like to say that I told him to promptly go to Hell....but I have this unfortunate fascination when I encounter human beings who act like primates. And because I knew that there was no chance in hell that he was getting any pictures, I decided to see how far down the rabbit hole would go.

Unnnnnfortunately...he caught scent of the fact that I wasn't about to give anything up....I guess I lack commitment to the follow through....my bad....and quickly retracted his initial request by saying that he was "kidding".

Uh hu...nice try.

Here are my question:

What in our 5 minutes worth of interaction gave you the impression that I, a complete stranger, would be willing to send you a complete stranger naked pictures of myself ??? Granted, I have been out of the dating game for awhile now, so I can see how I might have missed the whole "this is just what people do now" boat of sending nudey pictures. How do conversations like these normally play out? Something like...

"Hello,  nice to meet you, how are you today?"

"I am well thank you".

"Very good, very good indeed. Lovely weather we are having yes?"

"Perfect weather yes."

"Indeed, well said, perfect weather. Send me some nude photos of you?"

"But of course, here is one of me doing my morning yoga routine."

"Splendid!! And of course I will send you one of my disappointingly small member as well."

"Very kind of you."

"Not at all, think nothing of it."

"Tah-tah then."

"Cheerio!!"


What am I missing here???

Also!!!

Riddle me this Mr. Shutterfly ........does this mode of operation actually work on women??? I would be legitimately curious to know how many women have been willing to send you naked pictures of themselves without so much as a how-do-ya-do??? One of two things is going here A: You have actually had success with this and in so doing have reinforced your behavior, or 2: It hasn't worked yet, but you are just hopin' against hope that if you keep trying, SOME day, SOME woman is actually going to acquiesce to you request (means say yes).

No judgments here. I'm sure he is a very nice person with family and friends who love him very very much and a mother who thinks he is a catch.  Like I have said a million times, people place different values on different things in this world. To some, a naked picture is just as neutral as a clothed one....I of course don't believe what I just said even for a moment and my proof for this is that if it were pot-ae-to po-tah-to then you wouldn't ask for nude pictures, you would ask for a picture of me in my onsie. But I'm really trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt here.

I'd like to say that this was the first time this has happened to me, but sadly I cannot. I would also like to say that it doesn't....if only even for a moment....cause me to take a good hard look at the vibe I'm putting off to the world. I don't think I'm putting off the I-like-to-send-naked-pictures-of-myself-to-men-I-don't-know vibe......by maybe I'm wrong.

Better luck next time dude. Just not with this gal.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Use your Words or Stop Casting Spells

I love words. I have made words my life. I deal in words like others deal in drugs or Precious Moments Figurines. I am a stinking communication major for crap's sake.  From a very young age my father instilled in me the importance of being well spoken.  My father is an educated man who knew how to use his words. Sometimes this was awesome....other times this was the worst possible talent for a person to have. You can't argue with my father, he can't often be reasoned with either. Do not attempt to engage him in a battle of words for you will soon find yourself so spun around that you will forget what your original point was when the conversational joust began.

I am my fathers daughter....but I am not my father.

In one of my favorite books, The Four Agreements by Miguel A. Ruiz, the author devotes and entire chapter to the idea that above almost all other things we must be "impeccable with our words". The reason for this, according to Ruiz, is that it is with our words that we create and contribute to the dream of the planet, also known as reality and the world in which we live.  He refers to those who abuse the power of the word as dabbling in "black magic", and I totally agree.  My father was a master of black magic. My father is a good man, but he went he wanted to, he could utterly destroy you with his words.

I have learned the hard way (many times over) in my own life the kind of power our words can have.  I am a thinker, a dreamer, a pseudo amateur philosopher, and as such I like to hear the sound of my own thoughts being said out loud. Unfortunately, on more than several occasions, I have failed to think about the impact my words were going to have when I decided to send them out there into the world.

I was totally oblivious to the spells I was casting until it was too late and the damage had been done...

I have burned bridges with words said in a moment of anger which have taken me years to build back.  I have lost relationships over words spoken out of fear of rejection or indignation for a perceived attack towards me.  But as Ruiz goes on to say, nobody can really hurt us with their words unless we make an agreement to believe them. For example:

If someone were to approach me on the street and say something to the effect of, "You are the fattest middle-aged Chinese man I have ever seen in my life and therefor I hate you"....I would probably assume they were A) Out of their right mind....or B) Hiding a camera somewhere so that they can post my reaction to the comment on Youtube and hope the thing goes viral.  In either case the one thing that their comment is probably NOT going to do is hurt my feelings or cause me to feel insecure about myself. I KNOW I am neither fat, middle-aged, Chinese, or male, and because I KNOW these things to be truth, then it doesn't bother me when someone says it.

Now.....let's say that the same person approached me on the street and said something like, "Wow, you look  like a softer aging version of that chick from How To Train Your Dragon, then I will probably have a different reaction....why?...Because I actually BELIEVE what he is saying. As I get older the subtle signs of aging begin to show their effects, and I as a sometimes insecure female trying to compete with a seemingly never ending line of 20 something year old barbie dolls, am at times a wee bit....anxious about it all.  In this way, Ruiz is absolutely correct when he says that in order for damage to be done, the person receiving the poison must agree to whatever degree to ingest it.

HOWEVER

This does not therefor excuse or give you or I or anyone else on this planet the right to walk around spewing hatred and poison as they please claiming that YOU are the one CHOOSING to be offended. Going back to first part about casting spells, we cannot be ignorant of the potentially destructive power our words can have. Even if people are wearing armor, that is no excuse to go around lobbing knives at one another. We are responsible for the knives we throw at one another regardless if they hit their mark or not.  In this same way, we are also responsible for the impact that an entire life of black magic is going to have on the fabric of society and as Ruiz puts it, the "dream of the planet". It is like the scriptures say....

 But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.

Mosiah 4: 30 

And what is "the faith" they are referring to here? Basically it is the gospel of Christ, and what is the essence of the gospel of Christ??? That you LOVE your brother the same way you LOVE yourself. I know there are some out there that enjoy cutting themselves, but these people are rare, and I am going to go out on a limb here and say that they could probably stand to love themselves a little bit more. As for the rest of us, if we wouldn't cut ourselves, why on earth would we cut other people?

This is such a HARD concept for me to get through my head. I am grateful that I have at least the occasional  moment where I can stop and think before I cast a spell. Just like the words from one of my favorite musicals Into The Woods states...


Careful the spell you cast
Not just on children
Sometimes the spell may last
Past what you can see
And turn against you
Careful the tale you tell
That is the spell
Children will listen

People will listen. People are always listening. The mistake I made (make) is that I naively assume that nobody could possibly care or be affected by something a little nobody like me would say. Nobody takes a fool seriously...nobody really listens to what the minstrel is singing....right?

Wrong...I was (am) so very very wrong.

One final note.

I think...I hope...that it is fairly obvious to most of us the difference between words that we would consider black magic or poison...with maybe one slightly more vague exception perhaps.....

Along with watching the words we know are hurtful, may I propose that we must also watch the words spoken perhaps in moments of passion or excitement that (I personally believe) should have inherent weight and value...and that once spoken carry a certain amount of responsibility. Certainly we can change our minds about people, and true...feelings can and often do change as well....but I would submit that certain words, phrases, promises, while romantic and thrilling to say and to hear, are better left to be uttered only when the actions to prove them have already gone before. I have learned from sitting on both sides of this isle that when words of devotion and praise are too readily and frivolously handed out like candy on Halloween, it often follows that the giver of such words is often just as ready and willing to contradict themselves or retract what they claim they legitimately felt "at the time".

Let us be careful the tales we spin and the spells we cast...lest we unknowingly poison those we love, not forgetting the rest of the human race. What we do to one another, we do to ourselves, and this includes the spells we cast.

Friday, April 26, 2013

The 80/20 Rule: When to Cut Bait and When to Wait

I was recently having dinner with two single male friends of mine. Both these guys are in their mid thirties, both attractive, successful, and in my opinion, normal and decent individuals.  You can probably guess what the topic de jour was.......FINGER PAINTING!!! Oh wait...no....Dating...that's what I meant....Dating.

One of my friends made a comment about my last blog post...... http://anxiouswhitevirgin.blogspot.com/2013/04/dating-game-dance-horror.html

...and asked me about the statement I made that All Women Are Crazy. He admitted that in the past he had ended relationships with girls who he had really liked (up until the point they went "crazy") but now was wondering if maybe he had been a bit hasty. He wanted to know..in essence...what the "normal" or "acceptable" amount of crazy should be. What follows is a summary of my reply to him.

1. It Depends: Far be it for me to ever tell someone to put up with something or someone that drives them crazy just for the sake of keeping realistic expectations.  In the end, only YOU know what you can and can't deal with. I have learned for myself that a man who is more interested in only his own thoughts, feelings, ideas, desires, and so forth has no place in my life. For you, it might be someone who treats strangers or animals poorly. As with many things in the life, it's the little things that matter, and it this way, the little things become the big things. So if you are the kind of guy that is incapable of dealing with "emotional females"..then first off, Good luck ever getting married, and secondly, realize that emotions are a deal breaker FOR YOU, but don't blame a woman for why you weren't able to make it work. And if you are a girl that can't stand that men seem to only have one thing on their mind all the time, I say to you pretty much the same thing.

So let's assume that you are a semi-rational and emotionally sound male.....where does the line between acceptable crazy and deal-breaker crazy lie? My opinion.....

The 80/20 Rule: Almost anyone who has ever tried to control their weight knows about this rule as it applies to diet and exercise.  Basically what it boils down to is that if you eat Healthy foods combined with regular exercise 80% of the time, you can then indulge in things that are less healthy 20% of the time and still be OK. As much as we would all like to think that we can be "perfect" 100% of the time, we quickly learn that not only is this unreasonable, but it also robs you of the sweeter things in life.

Sometimes a girl needs a cookie dammit

Now applying the 80/20 to dating, and specifically to women, I would like to propose that before you toss a potentially awesome relationship aside you take a good honest look at the behavior of the girl with a more overall and general eye.  Ask yourself, How Often does she act in a way that I would consider irrational or "crazy". Keep in mind gentleman....women have these things called "menstrual cycles" which can cause these thingys inside her called "hormones" to go all bonkers.  As a woman, this can be a frightening and frustrating experience.  Much in the same way a guy says that he can't "control himself" once the other brain starts doing the thinking, a woman often feels like she is a slave to whatever chemical happens to be flooding her body at the moment. For the most part (but with recognized exceptions) no woman enjoys acting like a total bitch, or an emotional wreck, or an insecure ball of nerves. These feelings are scary to us....if anything we long for your compassion and sympathy and not you rebukes. So if the gal you are dating is a happy, vibrant, optimistic, loving, giving, and gentle creature 80% of the time you are with her....then really, I would plead with you on behalf of my gender that you not cast us off or make us feel terrible about ourselves for that 20% that we are not particularly in love with ourselves.

Feminine cycles aside, we as women as still flawed. We as people really, but now I am going to speak purely as a woman.

Men....you know what we love about you? A lot of things! And one of those things is that you Love Us even when we find it hard to love ourselves. 80% of the time we know that we are strong and beautiful creatures capable of accomplishing absolutely anything we put our minds to. 80% of the time we don't need to be coddled and cooed and told that everything is going to be OK. But 20% of the time...this is EXACTLY what we need from you. And here is the thing, if you want, you can even apply this on a smaller scale to use on a day to day basis. After all, if all of your days are filled with the 80/20 health and fitness rule, then by default, so will your year and your life. So think of your woman in this similar way....80% of the day she is going to be that strong, vibrant, independent, radiant creature you love......but 20% of the day she might need you to remind her of that fact.

Now...If you are the kind of person that doesn't believe that it is "your job" or "your responsibility" to build a woman up or remind/reassure her of these things ...well.... you are absolutely right. It ISN'T your job nor is it your responsibility. Here's the thing though...THAT fact is totally and utterly INVALID to the conversation and about a thousand miles away from the point.

Let me put it to you this way.

Is it her job as a woman to put up with you forgetting to put the toilet seat down, or pop the zits you can't reach on your back, or look the other way when you forget her birthday because things got crazy at work, or bare your children, or give up her career to then raise said children, or take care of you when you are sick, or have sex with you when you are really needing that connection even though she is utterly exhausted?????

NO!!! It is not her JOB to do any of these things. If you disagree then you might as well stop reading now because you and I live in two entirely different realities.

The point is....is it nobody's JOB or RESPONSIBILITY to do ANY of these things....so why do we do them? We do them because we LOVE and CARE about that person and we genuinely want the best for them. This is the definition of Charity, of selfless love vs. selfish love.

Selfish Love says I will love you, but only on my own terms. As soon as you do anything that inconveniences ME, or puts ME out, or causes ME to have to compromise or adapt to the way I have always done things, then it is simply not worth it to me. 

Again...to these people I would say with all the love in my heart....You don't want a companion, you want an automaton. You might as well just order an Living Doll and stop wasting your time and money on dating. People are messy, complex, emotional creatures. You take the good with the bad, and if you can't take the bad....then you don't really deserve the good.

Selfless Love, on the other hand, says I will love you through the 80% and then I will love you even harder during the 20%. It says, Hey...it's OK, I realize that we all get a little scared, or insecure, or frustrated from time to time, maybe even from day to day, but that's OK! Selfless love says you are safe to show the 20% you try SO hard to hide from the rest of the world in order to survive. Selfless love says Show me that 20% so that I show you that it doesn't frighten me, or bother me, or burden me....for you see...there is a HUGE difference between, IF you feel like you need to share I'm willing to listen...and Please show/tell me what is causing you to forget the amazing person that you are. The first denotes obligation, the second, selfless love.

I hope that this has been helpful for you. I often wonder if these ramblings really do any good for anyone, but I guess if nothing else....they are things I need to remember for myself. Not only as a person who is looking for the person who is capable of loving me in this way, but also as the person who needs to remember that THIS is the way I need and want to love that special someone as well.





Monday, April 22, 2013

Dating: The Game: The Dance: The Horror

Finals are melting my brain....I need to decompress and talk about something silly, trivial and meaningless....hmmmm....Oh I know...DATING!!

I love when I hear people say that they hate "games" and that they themselves never play games when it comes to dating. I usually have to suppress my urge to laugh right in their face and instead I nod and smile like a baboon.

EVERYONE plays games.

What I have found is that some people are just better at it than others and some play them less than others and also, the definition of "Games" has such a negative connotation that people are less apt to own up to playing them.  Here's the thing, I believe that there is a difference between Games and what I like to call The Dance.

Games are for the most part exactly what they sound like. And if there is one thing I have learned from years of family game night, the point of a game is usually to make yourself the winner and somebody else the loser. Unless you are playing Risk and then everyone loses. And so it is with people who knowingly play Games in relationships. Let me give you a classic example of a typical game a guy might play, and to be fair, we will give a female example as well.

A typical guy Game that I have observed is for them to build a girl up at first and then knock her down a few pegs once she's started to fall for him. In this way, he is able to make the girl think that the reason he isn't acting as sweet as he once did is HER fault or because of something SHE did.  This of course will make a girl a nervous wreck and subsequently she will spend the rest of the relationship trying to "win back" his love and recapture the sweet way he treated her in the beginning. Withholding love is a GAME, and it is a game where there is a clear winner and a clear loser, though I would argue that ultimately BOTH parties lose here. If someone is making you win or earn or prove their love, they are probably dealing with some substantial emotional/psychological issues and while I always believe that people can change...you need to decide if you wanna stick around and see if they ever do.

A typical girl Game is to pretend like she is something or someone that she isn't in order to get a guy to like her. She may say she loves the outdoors and would love nothing more than to be your hiking companion for the rest of eternity...which really only turns out to be until she obtains girlfriend or wife status, and then she seems a little less enthused whenever the prospect of the outdoors is laid in front of her. Or maybe she pretends like it doesn't bother her that you are always forgetting the little things until you fail to realize it is your 3 and half month anniversary and now she is giving you the cold shoulder. In either case, she isn't being real about herself or about her expectations. She is playing nice so as not to come across as the needy-high-maintenance female.  Granted, both of these examples could be applied to both genders, I am merely stating what I observe more often in each sex.  I never tire of over hearing the following conversation taking place between two guys....

Dude 1: So you still dating that one chick?

Dude 2: Nah Man.

Dude 1: Why not?

Dude 2: She went crazy on me man.

Dude 1: Dude that sucks, why does that always happen with chicks? You think they are totally cool and normal and then they go Crazy on you.

Dude 2: I know right?!

Dude 1: Dude

Dude 2: Dude

!!!!NEWS FLASH!!!!!

Alright men...hold onto your seats cuz I'm about to blow your minds......ALL WOMEN ARE CRAZY.....If by crazy you mean driven mostly by emotions and irrational feelings. And I'll tell you what's more.....ALL WOMEN ARE CRAZY, there are just women out there that are better at hiding it than others.  The problem here...as with most gender disputes...is that men expect women to think/act/behave like men and women do the same with men.  So fellas...I'm sorry....but if you become physically involved with a woman and then wonder why she has become so needy and clingy whereas before she gave you no indication that she was either of those things....it's because women don't often separate their bodies from their emotions. And once the physical comes into play their emotions follow after. Don't hate us for this, don't belittle us or make us feel bad for this, and whatever you do..DO NOT say that a girl went "crazy" after you made out with her hard core and then didn't contact her for a week. I see this happening SO often that I feel like we all need to have a come to Jesus moment.

Now...let me address the ladies.

Ladies. I know the fellas are really good at making you feel are purdy and special and Disney right from the get go, but you need to realize that IN GENERAL men do not place the emotional value on physical intimacy as you do. SOME do...SOME...SOOOOMMMMEEEEEEEEE....but if he falls into that rare SOME category then chances are you won't ever find yourself in a situation where this council will apply...make sense? Don't hate them for it, don't make them feel like they are evil for it. See them for who they are and decide if you want to be a part of that. And men..the same with the ladies. Back to my point then.....

Think of physical intimacy like a puppy......puppies are a lot of responsibility and as such a person should probably not buy a puppy or on the other end give someone a puppy who lacks the commitment to take care of such a creature. In the same way, ladies, giving yourself physically to a guy who you hardly know and who has made no sort of commitment to you is like a giving a puppy to a person who couldn't be trusted to maintain the life of a plastic house plant.  Bare in mind, what I am NOT saying is that every guy is sitting back and tenting his fingers as he softly exclaims "exxceeellent" at the prospect of killing your puppy. I honestly believe that the intentions are rarely corrupt on the part of the guy....I truly believe that if anything, what we have here is a differing in values placed on certain acts, namely physical.

Now...I am all about bringing the genders together and helping us to understand one another in order to form a more perfect union...as they would say. That being said....here is what I am proposing....and let me start by saying neither party here is guilty or bad or wrong. Let us not use this post as grounds upon which to point fingers or wage a holy war. We just need to understand one another from a practical standpoint in order to eliminate undue complications and suffering.

Men, if you don't want a girl to go "Cra-Cra" on you, then don't become overly physically involved with her before you have decided whether she is someone who you plan on making a long term commitment to or not.  Think of physical intimacy as a promise....I know...I know....chessey....But I am telling you, it's not far from the truth.  If you are unsure about a girl, or your feelings about her, or whether or not she is someone you want to spend an indefinite amount of time with...then DON'T get physically intimate with her. Of course, if you enjoy watching a girl go crazy then this will probably be the fastest way to accomplish that goal. In short, don't buy the puppy until you are ready to commit to the responsibility, maintenance, and care required to sustain such a creature. And if you are a straight up tool-bag who doesn't give a flippidy-flying-fetch about girls or their feelings...then ignore this entire post and just keep doing what you are doing and continue to marvel at why you always seem to meet the "crazy"ones.

Women, like I said before, if you have no promise, no commitment, then do yourselves a favor and don't give them the puppy.  That being said, if you are OK with the possibility that once the puppy is given he might take it, throw it to the ground, and stomp it to death in front of your face, then by all means...give him the puppy. It's like my grandpa always said, "Never lend more money to someone than you are fine with never seeing again." It is the same concept with physical intimacy ladies. I know there are women out that just love sex and all things sexually related and for these women, physical intimacy is viewed in much the same way that most men do. I'm sure men would like to believe that there are more women out there like this then there really are, but I personally think this is a pipe dream. So again, knowing that most women have a hard time separating physical from emotional, it just stands to reason that if you wish to not become an emotional wreck, you should avoid "lending" more "money" than you are fine with never seeing again.

Make sense? Don't make a guy feel bad for not placing the same value on it. He isn't evil, or bad, or corrupt, he is just a guy. And yes, in an ideal world he would intuitively know the value that you place on it and therefor default to your wishes and pace....but come on....I think we need to be a little bit more realistic.

That was a good rant. I feel better now. Crap...I still have to write a research paper...bahhhhh