Sunday, May 5, 2013

One More Page

Like many that have come before me and countless that will come after me, I have found myself asking the question, "What is the point to all of this?" By "this" I mean life, existence, and in particular, my life and my existence. I look around me and I see so much hatred and so much evil in the world. I know that there are far more good people trying to do good than those who seem to be trying to utterly destroy it, but for some reason the ones who are lobbying for evil seem to have the upper-hand most of the time. Being the sensitive soul that I am, it causes me a great deal of suffering to see the suffering of the world, though I admit I can not say that I personally have done as much as I should to see these sufferings eased.

Aside from the global issues that so easily present themselves, there are always our own personal lives and issues to contend with. As many of you know, but some might not, I am 30 years old and as of now, unmarried. I was in a relationship with a boy for almost 3 years that at one time or another we both believed was going to lead to marriage. That relationship ended abruptly and unexpectedly the first of this year. Two weeks later he was engaged to another girl....

This event devastated me.

I had come to a place where I couldn't picture my life without this man in it, and because I believed he felt the same way about me, I thought I never would have need to. So when things ended, in a very real way, I felt like my life was ending. I went through a period of time where I had no idea what I was suppose to live for anymore. I'm sure to some this must sound crazy, to others, maybe very familiar.

All I have ever wanted my whole life was to meet a man, fall in love, and spend our lives loving each other.  The details of where we lived, what we did for means, how many if any children we would have, all of these things were of a lesser concern to me. I didn't care about the kingdom, I just wanted my prince.

After the break-up I was struck with the very clear reality that I might never find someone to spend the rest of my life with. This thought first horrified me, then depressed me, then made me angry and bitter, and finally spun me into a sort of defeated apathy. I was alive, but I didn't feel alive, and I honestly didn't know why I would even want to be alive anymore. I have never been suicidal, but I can't say I wasn't secretly hoping that God would give me cancer and therefor a valid excuse for leaving this world. I looked around and I could honestly say that there was not one thing that the world held that I still wanted, for all I had ever really wanted was that person, and he appeared to me to be nothing more than a bedtime story.

Then, unexpectedly, a boy came into my life and made me hope again. He came in with the force of a hurricane and with just as much impact. Despite my best efforts to guard my heart, he broke through the walls and I allowed myself to hope again. As much as I hate to admit it, the whole thing seemed "meant to be", just a little too perfect to be coincidence, and he seemed to agree.

I would love to tell you that things have only continued to progress...but sadly this is not the case. As is standard in dating relationships, where you first see nothing but common ground and similarities, you later seem to see nothing but the differences that make a relationship seemingly unworkable. And all of that hope I had allowed myself to feel again, I felt slip through my hands like sand as I desperately lunged for the falling grains.

My heart was broken once more, but this time it felt as though it had broken for the last time. As if my spirit had made a deal with my heart when first the idea of opening up was proposed which dictated that my heart would allow this to happen, but that this would be the very last chance my heart was willing to give.

I again found myself asking God why. Why can't I have the one thing I have always wanted? What is the point of this life anyway? Am I to come here, suffer, and eventually die alone? And what of those in countries where bombs fall on innocent children; what of them? Is this truly the way you intended it to be? This can't be what you wanted.....

I was asking myself these very questions when I was struck with this idea...or thought...

One More Page

At first I didn't understand what this was suppose to mean. One more page? One more page of what? One more day to suffer you mean? One more heartbreak, one more day in a life I hate, surrounded by people who seem all too eager to hate one another? One more loved one taken from me? One more graveside service and forced goodbye? One more pimple, toothache, doctor bill, credit card bill, student loan bill? One more boy telling me how amazing I am and yet how I don't fit into his idea of a wife? One more night in an empty bed clutching a lifeless pillow while I try to cry softly enough that my family doesn't hear? One more day to get older and fatter and watch as my once youthful and lithe body deteriorates before my eyes and I can do nothing about it? One more freezing cold winter that lasts too long and one more blazing hot summer with no escape from the heat? One more opportunity to see children killing children, brother betraying brother, and evil sit in positions of power? Is this what you mean by One More Page? Thanks.....but no thanks.

But then....something changed....I suddenly....understood.....I knew what had been said, but I finally understood.

It was the same answer but from a different paradigm. Like starring at the same painting but from a different angle. In fact, it was almost exactly as though I had been staring at one of those Magic Eye posters for the last 20 years of my life, struggling desperately to see whatever hidden image was concealed inside it's random non-sense imagery and just about to huck the whole thing at the wall and then burn down the building for good measure when.....suddenly.....there it was......One More Page....

One more page.....One more morning in a soft bed, one more satisfying stretch, one more bird chirping outside my window. One more chance to move my body, to feel my legs beneath me as I run. One more bag of kettle corn, one more dinner with a dear friend. One more overrated action hero movie. One more overpriced can of coconut water. One more chance to discover new favorite thing. One more cold wet dog nose and the licks that go along with it. One more book on CD. One more road trip just because. One more hot bath. One more frozen candy bar. One more smell after being out in the wind. One more rain storm. One more occasion to curl my hair, one more moment to feel feminine. One more winter night curled up by a warm fire, and one more summer day spent in the cool mountain air. One more camping trip, one more camp fire, one more s'more. One more chance to see my mothers smile, or hear my grandfather call me his movie star. One more text from a long lost friend just to see how I am doing. One more night spent without sleeping because you stayed up talking instead.  One more silly blog post. One more opportunity to fall in love. One more chance to stare into a pair of kind eyes. One more embrace in a set of strong arms. One more feeling of someone else's heartbeat. One more first kiss. One more chance to dream.........One more day to show love....One more day to be loved.....One more day.....One more breath...One more heart beat.....One more page.

This is the point. All of these things are the point. Gratitude is the point. Gratitude for all of the One More's we are given.

Someday, we will leave this place, it is inevitable, and I, sadly, have spent half of my life being utterly paralyzed by the fear of that truth, and the other half wishing to God that He would just hurry it up and get it over with already. I have been waiting my whole life to die....and in this way, I have been dead already.

If I could ask one wish of God, it would not be that he send me that person.....not anymore. If I could ask for one thing from God it would be that He grant me the ability to always see life the way I see it in this moment. That He would engrave upon my heart the feelings that I feel right now. I wish to always see life as a never ending list of One More. A life utterly filled with gratitude, a life fully lived and loved.

8 comments:

  1. I find it truly a pity that we did not know each other in our youth (although this is not to say either of us are anywhere near old.) Your words resonate within my own soul more often than not, and the more I read the more I want to find you and give you a hug. Old souls tend to get stepped on a lot in this phase of existence, but I want you to know that, for whatever it's worth, your words bring a smile to my heart. Thank you.

    Okay, so that sounds all sorts of corny, but you know what I mean. Peace and love.

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    1. Aaron, We are indeed not old by any stretch of the imagination....old souls maybe. Thank you for your kind words. It is comforting to know that there are others out that hear what my heart is trying too convey. And by the way, I will take a hug ANY time!!!

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  2. This was a really well written piece. I feel sorrow for your pain, and yet hopeful in your resolution. You are correct that there is so much good and so many wonderful things in this life that we seem to overlook and not pay attention to. We as humans tend to focus on our struggles and problems too much that we overlook the small simple things that make the journey worth it.

    Again, thank you for your blog posts.

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    1. Thank you for your compassion, it means more to me than you could ever know. I really hope I can keep this perspective. It is so easy to slip back into old mind sets and beliefs. Thank you for reading.

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  3. I'm so glad I found your blog a few months back. I feel like this is definitely something I needed to read today.

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    1. I am so very glad you found it too. As lame as it might sound, the notion that this simple little blog might do some good in this world makes me feel like maybe just maybe my life means something ..lol.

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