Thursday, July 25, 2013

7 Explanations for Why He Didn't Want to Date You

Time for another reader's question answered right here, right now.

Dear AWV,

You talk alot about dating (this is true)  and you make it sound like if a guy isn't asking you out it is because he isn't interested, which for the most part I agree with. My question I guess is what am I doing wrong? I know you don't know me personally, but what do you think women do in general that make guys not want to date them? What makes a guy pick one girl but not me? I'm starting to think it really is just me. Does that make sense?



Dear Squeeks,

They don't want to date you because your name is the same noise a mouse makes when you step on it. 

Case closed.

 OK, OK, maybe not. 

I think I get what you are asking. Rejection sucks....A LOT....and it would be really easy to sit here and attempt to placate you with all the reasons a person can't realize how amazing you really are, but you've heard it. I realize that when someone "opts out" from you, as it were, it is difficult if not impossible to NOT take it personally. We figure that it must be due to some deficiency on our end that made them asses the situation and then decide to pass

With all of that in mind, I would like you to consider the possibility that his lack of desire for you has nothing to do with your level of desirability, and I would like to illustrate my point with the following list....

7 Explanations for Why He Didn't Want to Date You (That Have NOTHING to do with You)....and a goat.

1. He is already in love with someone else

 If there is one thing I have come to know about men, it is that they have laser vision when it comes to women (unless they are dirty filthy cheaters). By this, I mean that if a guy is already pining over another girl when he meets you, then it is as if he has blinders on that don't permit him to see you or your romantic potential. Normally, it won't be until he has seen the current interest through to its conclusion (whether that means he marries her, or moves on), that he will begin to look at other options...namely you.

2.  He has already found the perfect woman....

And her name is Mommy.

You might be shocked by how many times I have literally heard a guy (or someone who knows a guy) say that the reason they aren't married is that they can't seem to find a woman who is as X,Y,Z as their Mommy. To make matters worse, many of these men are still living with their mothers, who are in turn, still treating them like they are the sweet little boys they birthed 30 years ago. They cook for them, clean up after them, do their laundry, make their beds, and make ZERO demands on them. Is it really any wonder then that these men, albeit even on an unconscious psychological level, would feel little to no desire to have to put in the effort a real relationship requires? You could be the catch of the century, but unless you want to pick up where Momma left off, chances are he isn't going to be interested.

3. He's Gay

Now obviously, we are smart enough to realize that an openly gay man isn't going to be interested in a woman...even if she were made entirely out of breasts. These are not the gay men to which I refer; I am talking about the closeted gay men who for one reason or another, aren't comfortable coming out and are instead choosing to live celibate lives. If this is the case, chances are you will never know it, and chances are that even if you were doing a fan dance with a lettuces leaf...and by the way, you have the body of a supermodel porn isn't going to do much for him...or you for that matter. 

4. He is addicted to something

Whether it's drugs, porn, video games, food, sex, TV, or midget wrestling, a person who struggles with any sort of serious addiction is going to find it hard to give a relationship what it truly needs. If the addiction is serious enough, then it is possible that these same people will have no desire for a romantic relationship because they are afraid of being exposed, or because they prefer their addiction to human interaction. It's hard to conceive, I know, but this does exist, and it exist on many levels and to many varying degrees. The point is you shouldn't waste you time trying to guess which one of the two of you (meaning you or the addiction) is more important. 

Side note: Please don't send me hate mail. I realize that addictions are real and difficult, and that even people who struggle with them are able to maintain relationships and deserve to be loved.

5. He is a secret agent/super hero/other-worldly-being

Look, I'm not saying that he is an international crime-fighting, double-life-leading, Cape wearing, Secret-identity-protecting super hero....buuuuuut I'm not NOT saying that he is an international crime-fighting, double-life-leading, Cape wearing, Secret-identity-protecting super hero....and THAT's why he can't date you. The laws of his people will not permit it. Ah well. 

6. He cares more about his chasing his dreams than he does about chasing you

Some people believe that they have been placed on this earth for a very specific purpose. Some people also believe that this purpose has nothing to do with a romantic relationship. Remember the laser vision I talked about before?....same concept, only in this scenario, the dream is what he is focused on. A man who believes it is his destiny, purpose, or simply his desire to become X,Y, or Z is going to make that his first priority in life. If at some point he achieves his goal, he might then be open to adding a relationship to the mix, but until that day comes, you will always be playing second fiddle....if you even get to fiddle at all.

7. He is a pedophile

Alright....So I'll admit that this one is a bit extreme...and possibly in poor taste....but in a way, it is the perfect illustration of the point I've been attempting to make this whole post, the point being that You Just Never Know.

You never know WHY a guy (or girl for that matter...since it obviously goes both ways) isn't interested in you romantically....but a lot of times, it has NOTHING to do with YOU. Sometimes it does...but there isn't much you can do in that scenario ARE you. 

Personally though, for the sake of comedy (and more so because it makes me feel better), I like to believe that if a guy I like doesn't like me back, that it is simply due to a reason like those I have just listed. After all...if he prefers the company of children...or maybe even goats, then obviously he isn't going to be interested in someone as amazing as me....for I am no goat....and neither are you...unless you which case, I applaud you on your ability to navigate a blog.


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  2. Hahaha, I liked this. Last night I ran into an old flame, we dated a couple times, she's nice, educated and gorgeous (I'm not being nice, she's a great package) but I just didn't ever feel like we made a connection. In a crowded room she just didn't jump out at me. I would notice her eventually and assess her qualities on mental paper and couldn't understand why I wasn't knocking her door down to beg her to date me again, she doesn't have a bland personality or anything. It's just freaky chemistry that makes life all the more incomprehensible.
    "made entirely out of breasts" heeheehee

  3. Hahaa. Yeah. I think more often than not it isn't one of these wild extreme examples. Usually it just doesn't feel right to one or both parties. I just find it helpful to go overboard to help drive home a point. The point being, we shouldn't take it personally when people don't want to be with us. What I struggle with personally is when they want you and then change their minds. Thats the mind tweak to me. Same concept may still apply.