Sunday, July 7, 2013

Readers Questions Answered: Too Many Options??

Alright you lucky readers you! The time has finally come. I, your very own A.W.V will be answering all of your burning questions right here on my blog. Ask me whatever you'd like! You can ask me about my life, or dating advice (at your own risk), or about my faith, of even what the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow would be. 

I can't promise to have THE answer to all of these, but I can promise AN answer, and more than likely, it will be entertaining....if nothing else.

Please send all questions to anxiouswv@hotmail.com and be sure to let me know if you wish to remain incognito ;)

Let's get this party started shall we??? Here is a question I received a little while back:

Dear AWV,

A friend of mine turned me onto your blog and I have been hooked ever since. Your life seems like a train wreck at times and I just can't look away. You seem to date a lot, or at least have a lot of dating experience. With so many options why aren't you married yet? From my perspective it kinda seems like maybe you are just being too picky and critical. Am I wrong?

Take care,

Tim

 Dear Tim,

Train wreck eh? Well as long as it is entertaining to watch, thanks for getting hooked!!

So you are not the first person to make this observation to me.  It is no secret that there is a large population of single LDS people where I live, and that if  getting married to just anyone were the goal, that this would be the ideal place to do it. However, when we look at this same large group of 27-35ish age range, what we are seeing is that a lot of them aren't getting married. They are dating the crap out of one another, but they refuse to take that next step.

From my perspective, I see two phenomenon occuring. There are probably many more than two, but I want to keep this short. 

The first issue is the illusion or lie that more options are better and make it easier to get what you want, and be happy. Scientifically speaking, this is incorrect. There have been a myriad of studies conducted on this very subject and based off of those results, the researchers in most cases have concluded that when a person is given too many options, it actually hinders their ability to not only make a choice, but also to be happy with the choice they have made. 

Think of it this way. If you are the kind of person, who, for whatever reason hasn't had many dating options presented to you, then it would stand to reason that you are going to be more grateful and apt to jump on an opportunity when it comes along. To go along with that, you are probably going to be more satisfied and happy with what you got. It comes down to expectations and entitlement, it comes down to what we think we deserve versus what we are actually going to get. 

I'll be the first to admit that my success in dating has probably caused me to fall somewhat into the trap of Too Many Options, and that on some level, I have to own the fact that, had I grown up in a place where there weren't so many options, we might not be even having this discussion because I would have been married years ago to a perfectly decent guy, the same kind I have so easily dismissed here because by comparison to so many other options it leaves one thinking......This is good, but could I do Better?

Lest you think me a totally shallow self-involved jerk, let me now state my second observation.  

Attraction is a funny thing. Attraction is a complicated thing, it is a subjective thing, and at least in part, it is a subconscious thing. It is part nature and part nurture; there is some biology and some social conditioning.  Sometimes it has more to do with timing than anything else.  Men I rejected in my early 20's because I thought them "too whatever", are just the kind of guys I look for now that I have also become "too whatever". 

As simple and trite as it sounds, it really is like trying to fit puzzle pieces together....that is...if the puzzle pieces were in a constant state of change....like some kind of Mighty Morphing Puzzle Pieces.

So to answer your question, yes, in a way I am being very picky. Some might argue too picky, but then I might argue that a lot of people who make such arguments are miserable in their own marriages. OK, OK, that might not be entirely fair. How about this...I would say that these people have different priorities and expectations for marriage. Some people require very little from a companion, some require quite a bit more, and some are just grateful to have a warm body to come home to. I don't know where I personally fall on this scale of expectations, but I do know that I am looking for a specific kind of guy that seems to be all but impossible to find. 

It's not that I feel like I'm better and so I deserve better, much the same way that one puzzle piece isn't any better than any other puzzle piece. I'm just looking for the right fit. It wouldn't be fair to marry someone who I felt a need to have to change, or worse, who I felt like I needed to change for. I may be wrong, and again, this all depends on how you personally view marriage and life priorities, but I fervently believe that I can do more good for this world as a single person, than I could if I were in a bad marriage that I entered into with good intentions, because I believed in the concept of marriage more than I stopped to think about whether or not it was a good paring.

There are plenty of AMAZING guys out there, but it doesn't mean that  many or even more than maybe a handful, are going to be good for me, or I for them. 

You can make the argument that we have screwed ourselves with how we have romanced all of the logic out of love and marriage, and maybe there is some truth to that. The problem is, I don't live in the days of Moses, and as such, I don't share their dogma on what marriage really is all about. I'm not saying the way we see it now, (the whole marriage is about falling in love and all, and less about a mutually beneficial practical venture), is "right" and their view "wrong", I am merely stating the social reality. I can see how my life would be "easier" if I truly believed in the concept of arranged marriages, or if I saw marriage more as a business transaction.....but I don't......and because I don't, because I still believe in falling madly in love, and then deciding if all of the practical stuff fits too, I have decided to be true to myself and not "settle" for less than what feels right to me. 

I have found men like this before, men I could have married and been perfectly happy with, but sadly, they didn't feel the same about me. So I just have to keep an open mind and an open heart and hope that someday it will click on both ends, and if it doesn't I have to find meaning and purpose and happiness regardless of my martial status. It is something I truly want, but it can't be what defines me, or dictates  the peace and enjoyment I experience in this life.

Thanks for your question, I look forward to the questions yet to come!

Yours Always,

A.W.V   

 

1 comment:

  1. Just for the record, it seems you're getting comments making your life sound out of control, or "train wreck"-ish. I completely disagree! I think you're in the throes of a perfectly normal, single LDS woman's life! I like your blog because you're funny and animated and I like your opinions. You are well spoken and entertaining. Keep it up and let the crazy people keep comparing their crazy to your normal ;)

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