Sunday, July 28, 2013

The Virgin Suicide

Dear Diary,

2 years ago I started this blog because a class I was taking required me to.

At that time in my life I was dating a guy that I loved very much, but that I didn't know if I wanted to marry. We would go back and forth and back and forth. I knew I loved him, and I knew he loved me, but we were so different, and no matter how much we loved each other, we just couldn't make it work. At one point, we separated and he began dating a girl who is now his wife. It is still hard for me to think that we are not going to be together....there are times I still think about him and wonder how he is doing and yes...if he ever thinks about me. But I am happy for him, and I know in my heart that what happened was for the best....for both of us.

The truth is...I gave my heart away a long time ago...and I never really got it back. 

I was 15 when I met the boy I would lose my heart to for the first time, and I had one of those strange, Don't I know you from somewhere? feelings. I can't say how, but I knew my life would never be the same from that moment on. I knew this shaggy haired boy was going to change my life....how right I was.

We grew up....grew apart, went our separate ways, but I always kept him in my heart, it was him I was always waiting for. The strange part is...I never told him...and I honestly don't know if he ever felt anything for me outside of dear friendship. 

And then came that day.

I suppose I should be grateful, and I am....I am grateful that I got the chance to know him again before....

I will for the rest of my life carry in my heart the sweet memory of laying on a love sac while he told about a dream he had had about the Savior. He spoke with such....faith....and love....it was so beautiful....I wanted that night to last forever...I wanted to stay there, with him, forever.

I don't know why I never answered his last phone call....God I wish I had answered. I guess I figured we had time. We do that as people...we always think that there will be more time.....and then you get another phone call....but this one is to tell you that he is gone.....no goodbyes.....no more time....just gone....and I never got to tell him...

I don't know what happened after that...it was a blur...I felt like someone had removed everything that was beautiful about the world...and when they buried him in the ground, I buried a piece of my heart along with him. 

But time moves on, and so must we. Life doesn't care that you are walking around with only part of your heart....there are no excuses...only life left to be lived.

I dated. I did things that I loved. I found my home on the stage, and I found my peace in music, and I found my escape in writing. Nobody would see what I wrote of course....they wouldn't understand...they would have thought me mad....and maybe I was...love can do that to you....these fragile hearts of ours....

And then one night, I sat in a backyard concert listening to a boy with a guitar sing about glass slippers and traveling the world. And for the first time since...since him...I felt something stir inside of me. His music, it moved me, and it reminded me of what it was like to be alive, to be excited about life. It reminded me that there is magic left in the world, there was beauty, and there was love.

I wanted to thank him for his music. He would later tell me that as I approached him that night, all he can remember is that everyone else seemed to melt away...and there I was. 

Despite my best efforts, I gave this boy my heart....and truth be told...I fell in love with him...though I never told him. I was afraid that he didn't feel the same, and so I hid that part from him....and when he left...when he ended things...he took another piece of my heart along with him. 

I don't know where he is now. I use to think that he would change his mind, and that he would come back so that I could tell him all of the things I never told him.... 

I don't know if it was after this heartbreak that I decided love was over for me. To meet one person and have such a connection seems like a once in a lifetime thing...to have it happen twice....and lose it again...certainly I had been given my shot...and now I was forced to face the reality that I would never know that kind of love again.

Still I continued to date, continued to lived, continued to write.

Then I met the boy I would date for 3 years. He was 5 years younger than me and squirrely as all get out. But he was also full of life, and faith, and hope, and that drew me to him. He had the most beautiful blue eyes, and when he looked at me, I knew he loved me. Being with him felt like coming home, even from the very beginning...that is what drew us to each other. And while what I felt with him was not the same as what I had felt with the other two...it was love nevertheless...but love in a different way. 

That is what he taught me. How to put love into action, instead of just holding it in as a feeling. I don't know what I taught him, but I hope nothing but happiness for him.

And then...just when I least expected it...and just when I felt as though I was least worthy of it, along comes a man who sees past my defenses, and past my broken heart and asks me to do the last thing in the world that I want to do....take a chance...take that leap of faith....and because he seemed so sure about us, I allowed myself to become sure too. It would take far more pages to describe what transpired between us. To be honest, I'm not sure I fully understand it myself. I have never before felt so prompted by what I would call God as I did during this time in my life. 

I apologize diary....I seem to struggle to explain this even to you. This boy, turned my life upside down. He came in like a flash of lighting and was gone almost just as quickly....I really don't know how else to describe it, except for to say that we both knew that we had come into each others lives for a reason...and we were right.

This is when I learned that absolutely every person that comes into our lives has something to teach us....but sometimes, it is not about us...sometimes we are meant to teach them something. 

I know now what I was meant to learn from him. Or more, I now realize what I was meant to find.....myself. It wasn't until I was forced to challenge who I was...until HE challenged who I was and what I believed that I truly came to know myself....and for this...how can I be anything but grateful. 


 What followed after finding myself is probably the most uncomfortable and painful process I have ever been through. When you tell yourself that you are a certain person for so long...you start to believe it. You become an expert at telling yourself stories about yourself and about your life and you believe that what you are telling yourself is truth irrefutable. This process of separating the the stories from who we truly are is like peeling scales off a dragon one at a time. There are moments when you just want to give up and just go back to the person you have known for so long....but like a pair of pants you shrunk in the wash, you realize that you can't fit into them anymore, and every time you try you just get depressed. 

So I thought I would "reinvent" myself. I got hair extensions, I got eyelash extensions, I stopped starving myself....my boobs got bigger, and my pants no longer fit. It was the last desperate battle between wanting to be totally authentic, and wanting to be a totally different person....and all the while I was looking to the outside world, to men, to tell me I was beautiful, to tell me I was worth something, to reassure me that I was worthy of taking up space on this planet. And because what they thought meant so much, when they left...when they chose to walk away, it was almost more than I could handle.

Sometimes...because we are human, and because we want something so badly, we are blinded by our own desires and we fail to allow people to play the parts they were meant to play. I have always struggled to let people go, but through this experience I have come to realize that we simply aren't meant to keep everyone for forever. Sometimes people come into our lives with the force of a hurricane and then vanish before the dust has had a chance to settle.....sometimes we make more of things than what they really were...or what they were really meant to be....Sometimes we hold onto things so tightly for fear of losing them, that we forget that we were never meant to own anything in this world. The craziest thing for me to realize is how two people can share the same physical experience, and yet walk away with two entirely different stories....neither party is right or wrong...it's simply a different story. 

These past 2 years you have seen me grow so much. You have shared in my victories and you have mourned with me when my heart broke. You allowed me to share my deepest secrets and expose my most vulnerable parts. In you I found a place to share my stories....to share my thoughts....to share my heart. We have laughed together and we have cried together, and above all things, we have learned together. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that a simple blog could have become such an incredible journey of self-discovery. I never could have imagined the response I would receive, or how once again, I would be forced to face who I truly was when challenged bu those who attempted to place me in a category or label me. And for so long I held on so tightly to this story...to this girl...she was my identity...it was the only world that made sense to me. But now....now it has all changed. Which makes what I am about to say all the more difficult.

The time has come to bring our story to a close. Not because you are no longer wanted or needed, but because like that pair of shrunken pants, I find that the story of the girl that I just related to you, no longer fits. I don't know if this will make any sense to you....because...I am still that girl...same face...same body....same freckles and flaws....and same heart....so even though the girl remains...it is her story that has changed. 

I was so afraid of letting this story go....I was afraid that without it, I would cease to be me....but now I realize that it was because I held on so tightly to it that I was unable to truly find myself. This story....it is not my story anymore...it doesn't fit. I know it must sound strange....but I suppose I felt as though putting it away was like saying that I wasn't grateful for it all...or that it didn't mean anything....but how could that ever be true? Every line...every paragraph...every heart break...every tear...every victory...every laugh...this has lined the path that has led me to where I am today.....it is simply time to move on.....but know that I do so with a heart full of love and gratitude. 

And much like those who I have loved...now this girl...this anxious white virgin will always have a piece of my heart. 

She belongs to the story now. For as inedible as it was for me to discover...and maybe even more incredible for you to believe....that is all this has ever been....a story. The story a girl once told to herself....and then to you...but she isn't telling this story to herself anymore....it longer fits....she doesn't belong here anymore.


That girl belongs with the boy with the shaggy hair, on a love sac...she belongs to the boy with the guitar and to that summer night. She belongs to the squirrely boy with the beautiful blue eyes, and she belongs somewhere in the middle of nowhere Wyoming, and that is where she shall remain. I don't need to be afraid of letting them go, because I have left those I have loved in her care, she will watch over them, she will stay with them, she belongs there.... and I.....I belong here, and to whatever lies ahead.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you.    

4 comments:

  1. Does this mean no more blog posts?! :(

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  2. Love this. Thank you for sharing. Much of it resonates with my own life/experiences... it's nice to hear that other people have felt the same. Your witty blog entries will be missed. Goodbye, anxious white virgin. (Hello, content hispanic sex-fiend?...) ;)

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  3. This was beautiful, like when christopher robin left the 100 acre wood to go to school and learn about places like brazil. Good luck!

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